Better Without You
by allie34
Summary: Post Endgame. Voyager has returned to Earth, this story follows Janeway and Chakotay over the years after their return as they struggle with their feelings for one another, the different directions their lives pull them in, and some unexpected news. JC.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Voyager is property of Paramount, obviously.

**Better Without You**

This story takes place after End Game and contains adult topics and probably bad language, so please stop reading now if you're of a sensitive nature as I don't want any complaints.

For all the JC fans, yes, this is a Janeway/Chakotay relationship fic, and I might put in a little JP as well, but I'll see how it goes. I've already finished writing the first part of this story, I'm just tinkering with it and will put the chapters up when I'm happy with them and if there's a good enough response to keep me writing, so please review, you'd be amazed at how much helps.

This is not a light hearted story, but hopefully it should have a happy-ish ending. One assumption that I've made, is that Janeway and Chakotay did engage in a brief affair during and a while after new Earth, it's not crucial to the plot, but I've made some subtle references to it. One final thing is that this story jumps 'intertemporally', by this I mean to warn that it will jump one, two, five years ahead, and then it will go back again to explain everything that has happened in-between. I've tried to make it clear where necessary of the point in time I'm writing from in relation to Voyager's return to Earth, so please take care to read the top of each section so that you don't get lost. And if you do get lost, then it should be all the more fun  Enjoy.

_Chapter 1: If I didn't know you better_

From her ready room view port Kathryn watched as the blue planet spun below, one world disappeared off the horizon to her right whilst another land mass started to appear on the left. The station orbited in a movement counter to that of the planet, so the Earth appeared to spin faster than it actually was, in fact if she stood watching for exactly twelve hours she would have been able to examine every face of the Earth's surface.

They had been back in the alpha quadrant for less than two days now, but somehow the delta quadrant felt both a lifetime ago and also as if she still hadn't quite left. She heard the doors behind her slide open, but she was so transfixed by the sight of the planet that the thought someone had entered her sanctuary didn't quite register. The feel of his hand on her shoulder, although surprising was grounding and comforting as she realised it was Chakotay, and instinctively she moved her hand to cover his.

"Well, you did it," he softly interrupted her thoughts.

A lump caught in her throat at his words as they conjured the memories of all they had endured in those years together. She closed her eyes briefly, willing herself to stay into control, to not dwell on the bad times and the lives that had been lost along the way, but to concentrate on all they had accomplished and achieved and to be thankful that so many of them had returned in one piece. "We did it," she corrected him, "I couldn't have done this without you."

"You could have," his voice was solemn, "you're so stubborn; once you'd set your mind to getting this crew home you wouldn't have it any other way."

She could hear the smile in his voice, but couldn't summon herself to share in his light mood, "Chakotay, I'm worried about the maquis crew… about you," she released his hand and turned to him, "Starfleet are being very tight lipped about what will happen to you all when we return to Earth."

"Kathryn, I think if they wanted us in jail they would have locked us up already," he reassured her, a smile still evident upon his face, "it'll be fine."

Nodding absently she returned her gaze to the blue and green globe below them, "I know," she sighed, "and admiral Paris has assured me that all of the charges against you will be dropped in the next couple of days…" she trailed off.

"But you're not going to be able to relax until they've made it official," he filled in for her; sometimes it annoyed her that he knew her so well.

They slipped into a comfortable silence, both deep in their own thoughts but at the same time knowing exactly what the other was thinking. _"Captain Janeway,"_ her combadge activated to ensign Kim's voice, _"we're ready for you."_

"I'm on my way," she replied her voice giving away no sign of her current emotional turmoil. Letting out a long breath Kathryn turned to look up at her first officer.

Sensing her apprehension about the coming speech she was to give to their crew in the shuttle bay the commander offered her a reassuring smile. Absently she placed a hand against his chest as a gesture to thank him for his support, and then she lead the way from her ready room.

V

_Six months later_

Chakotay ran up the stone steps of the tidily manicured park just outside of Starfleet's main office in San Francisco. The late afternoon air was cool and burnt his lungs as he gasped desperately from oxygen deprivation and moved onto the grass bank by the lake, the ground beneath him cushioning his every footfall. This was the same circuit he had run almost every evening for the past couple of months, but this time as he ran it everything seemed in slightly more focus than it had any other time. The air felt fresher, the grass greener, he heard the calling of every bird and noticed almost every animal that rustled about him. He knew why; the next morning he was scheduled to take a short transport to the next ship he would be serving as first officer aboard, and he knew he wouldn't be back for at least another four months.

His calf muscles were agony as he sprinted the last stretch to his San Franciscan home and his shoulders felt heavy with the weight of his own arms. He stopped by the porch and rested against the iron railings as he caught his breath and searched the pockets of his shorts for his keys. His clammy skin shivered with heightened sensitivity as a gentle breeze brushed up against his body, and he was grateful to locate the archaic piece of metal in the bottom of his right pocket.

As he let himself into the house he was quick to notice her jacket hanging up on the coat rack, frowning he glanced up at the grandfather clock in the corner of the hallway to see that it wasn't even five and his confusion increased. "Kathryn," he called out, carefully balancing himself on one leg as he pulled off his trainers.

"I'm in the lounge," he heard a soft reply.

He made his way across the hallway to the source of her voice to find her sat on the sofa a padd in one hand and cup of tea in the other. "You're back early," he noted.

She arched an eyebrow as she turned to face him, resting the padd on the table in front of her as she did so. "It's you're last evening here before you leave for the Orion," she explained, "I thought it would be good for us to spend some time together."

Chakotay nodded, "well, I've made dinner reservations for half eight so what did you want to do until then?"

A question like that several years ago would have been accompanied by a playful smirk from her first officer and she would have flirted in kind. The fact that they still hadn't found that spark from their early relationship did not go unnoticed by either of them. "I was hoping we could talk," she confessed.

He studied her a short moment, she looked nervous, but unable to ascertain why he considered that maybe he was imagining it. "Sure," he said, moving to sit in the armchair across from her, "what did you want to talk about?"

"About my visiting you on the Orion next month… I won't be coming."

Chakotay shot her an annoyed expression, "Kathryn, the Orion will be leaving federation space for the final three months of the assignment, if you don't come then, we won't get the chance to see each other for the next four months."

"I know…" she averted his gaze.

"Just reschedule whatever it is Starfleet has planned for you to do… for heavens sake you're an admiral now Kathryn!" He felt exasperated; ever since her promotion to admiral her work had become ever increasingly invasive into their private lives. She rarely returned to their house before seven in the evening, every other weekend she would be too busy to spend any meaningful time with him, and he felt like she was constantly attending one banquet or another, often not returning until after he had gone to bed.

"It's not work," she said quickly.

He frowned, his initial anger faltering in uncertainty, "then what?"

She hesitated and he felt his stomach muscles knot as she wrung her hands and he instantly realised what she was about to do. "This isn't working Chakotay," she said, feeling slightly detached from the room she was sitting in, disbelief of what she was actually doing. Watching the hurt flash across his eyes was bad enough, but when he turned away from her she felt as though she might break… somehow she managed to find the strength to continue. "I think we turned to each other when we returned because we were both under the same illusion that we were meant to be together, and maybe we were once, but so much has happened since then I think we've lost whatever it was that we had," she explained sadly. "We still can't shake the distance that I spent five years forcing between us; we've both known this hasn't been right for a while, but we were so determined to make this work that we ignored it. I don't think either of us can say we're happy right now and we should both accept that your assignment on the Orion is just an excuse for us to take a break from one another and end it now before it goes any further."

She finished and looked across at him expectantly, but was confronted only with silence. Reaching across she placed a hand on his knee, willing him to look up at her so that she could gauge his reaction and she would know how to continue. "Please say something," her voice was barely a whisper.

When he finally looked up to meet her gaze he saw tears forming in her eyes, he would have thought there would be tears in his too, except that with so many emotions playing with him at that moment he wasn't sure how to feel. "Is there someone else?"

The question threw her for a moment, and caused her a moment's hesitation. "No," she shook her head, giving his knee a small squeeze.

"I don't understand," his voice displayed his frustration, "Kathryn, we can work on this… we've waited too long, and fought too hard to just give up now."

Kathryn sighed, she had known he would protest, had prepared for his every argument against their separation and although she knew she was soon going to make it much harder for him to leave, she knew it was the right thing for them to do. "We probably could keep going Chakotay, maybe for a few months, a few years, but it would be a fight all the way and even then, eventually we would lose. We would end up hating and resenting each other. At least if we quit now we can salvage what's left of our friendship."

"I don't want friendship Kathryn," he insisted, "I accepted it aboard Voyager because I knew it was all you could give me, but that can't be enough for me now, not now we're back on Earth and there is no protocol, or crew, or delta quadrant to keep us apart. I want you…" he reached out and tenderly cupped her cheek, "I don't want this to end."

The feel of his skin against hers sent shivers down her spine, and she hated that he still had that effect on her. Reluctantly she reached up and took his hand in her own, gripping it loosely as she pulled it from her face, she swallowed past the lump in her throat, "please don't make this harder than it already is."

"Tell me that you don't love me," he said, knowing he was doing just the opposite of her request.

She met his gaze, and despite the pain it caused her to do so she held it steadily. "This isn't about love. This is about how I've become so dependant on you over that last seven years that I no longer want you, I _need_ you… it shouldn't be this way."

Pulling his hand out sharply from her grasp he leant back in the armchair he was sat and let out a sharp long breath, but he didn't say anything. She waited patiently for him to talk to her, to let her know what was going on behind the face that had become a mask; she knew he was upset, angry, disappointed, maybe even surprised, but she wasn't sure which feeling was more dominant and which he would first verbalise. "There's more," she said, now knowing she was breaking into unchartered waters because she had no idea how he would respond to what she would say next. "I'm pregnant."

His heart stopped. He sought her face as his mind reran over her words to confirm that he hadn't misheard; he hadn't. Never before had he seen his former captain look so uncertain, so scared… so fragile. The full meaning of her words were still a blur to him; he was going to be a father… right? He reconsidered everything she had already said to him, there was no other man so the child had to be his, but he couldn't understand why then she would be ending their relationship. "Are you not keeping-"

"No, I am," she cut him off quickly, horrified that he could even think she would do such a thing… then again, she had done worse by him.

"Then I don't understand why you're doing this Kathryn, surely now you need more than ever to support you through this, to help you raise this child?" Even as he said the words and he saw her lips part to make a response he suddenly knew exactly why she was breaking up with him now of all times.

"You're right: I will need you, I _do_ need you, but not like this; I feel suffocated by our relationship as it is, and we're only going to tear each other apart if we continue. I can't bring someone else into the middle of a failing relationship, someone else to get hurt."

Deflated and exhausted from the emotional upheaval this conversation was creating he leant forwards and covered his face with his hands; she was right. On their return to Earth they had quickly become intimate (despite his initial involvement with Seven), he had felt a rush to make up on the time they had lost and he realised now that maybe he had been pushing her too far too quickly. He had suggested they start a family after only a couple of months and she had been reluctant to consider it, he had proposed to her shortly after that, but she had turned him down. After the debriefing period he had asked that they move in together, and it was with great hesitation and much persuasion that she had agreed.

"You can't expect me to walk out on my child," he said quietly, his face still buried in his hands.

"I'm not asking you to," she assured him, "you can be as involved as you want to be."

"I just can't be with you," he looked up to meet her gaze, "it was difficult enough aboard Voyager, I don't think I can do that now."

"We'll have to find a way, I want this baby to know its father, to know you."

Unexpectedly Chakotay stood, unsure he could hear any more. He had always imagined starting a family with Kathryn when they returned to Earth, but he had never anticipated that she might not want all the same things as he did. Hurt and confused he made his way from the lounge, "I can't do this," he mumbled as he left.

"Chakotay," she called out, but it wasn't until she heard him climbing the stairs that she got up to follow him. She found him in their bedroom zipping up the bag he had been packing before his run. "What are you doing?" she demanded as she watched him from the doorway.

"I'm leaving," he replied angrily, "I thought that was what you wanted."

"Not like this," she insisted, watching helplessly as he lifted the bag from the bed and chucked it next to another bag he had packed.

"Then how did you want it Kathryn?" he raised his voice, "I have given you everything for the past seven and a half years. I have tried everything to make this work. But you have resisted this every chance we've had, you have pushed me away, used me and hurt me more times than I care to remember. If you don't want me, fine, then I'll leave. Just don't expect me to come back this time."

"What about the baby?"

"Have it," he flicked away her question with a small movement from his hand, "it's yours," he said, as if he were offering that she keep any inanimate object they had brought together.

Up until that point Kathryn had remained carefully in control, but his final comment fuelled a fire that had slowly been smouldering inside of her since she had discovered the pregnancy some two weeks previously. "This pregnancy is your fault," she accused, struggling to control the anger that now bubbled inside of her.

"How do you figure that one out?" he asked, placing his hands on his hips.

"You neutralised your booster without telling me," she explained, her tone indicating the full extent of her hatred towards him at that moment.

Chakotay frowned, "yes, after we agreed to start trying for a baby months ago."

"We talked about it, but I never agreed to anything," she argued back.

Knowing himself that maybe he had been a little covert in what he had done he decided not to pursue this particular argument trend, "there was nothing stopping you from renewing your contraceptives?"

"I thought you were up to date."

He shrugged, "well it's done now."

She felt like slapping him, she knew if she was the same woman as twenty years ago she probably would have snapped by now, but her long established Starfleet training kicked in and she forced herself to stay in control. "You did this in the hope that you could trap me into being with you."

Chakotay paused as he finally dared to meet her angry glare, considering if there was any truth to her words. Maybe she was right, maybe a part of him had been afraid their relationship would fail, that he had wanted a family with her simply to ensure that she wouldn't leave him after the debriefings had finished. He closed his eyes, wondering if she was right, that this was just an ambush that had gone terribly wrong. "No Kathryn," he said at last, his voice low and heavy, "I wanted a family with you because I love you, because I wanted to share that love with someone else, someone that was a part of both of us. If I can't have you…" he shook his head from the many thoughts that were racing through his mind and reached out to grab one of his bags. "I need some time. I can't be here right now," he explained as he pulled the shoulder strap of his bag over his left shoulder and lifted the other with his opposite hand.

"Where are you going?" she demanded, still too angry to notice his change in demeanour and process his words.

"I'll stay in a hotel for the night," he said closing the gap between them as he made his way over to the door, "my transport leaves at eight tomorrow morning."

"Chakotay…" she placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks as he walked past her.

He turned to her, and studied her face. Later he would reflect on this moment and realise there was both sadness and fear held within her eyes, and he would understand that it had been a difficult decision for her to make, however, that time wasn't now. When he saw her he was unable to look past the woman who had just broken his heart and taken his dreams out from under his feet without warning, and he wanted nothing more than to get out of there before she could damage him further.

Kathryn opened her mouth to say something, anything to console him and prevent him from leaving, but when nothing came she closed her mouth and glanced away, allowing her hand to drop from his shoulder.

He lingered only a moment before he continued past her and down the stairs of their home. The second she heard him reach the last step of the stair case she slumped against the door frame, finding herself frozen until she heard the front door open and then close. It was only when he had finally left that she allowed her emotions to take hold of her; the tears that had been threatening her eyes started to stream down her face and she slumped further against the door frame to sit on the floor, crying not for him or what they had lost, but for the terrible feeling that she may never see him again.

-

Okay, so what did you think? Shall I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, thanks for the great response from everyone, I considered torturing you all for a little longer, but to thank you all for your kindness, I'm updating earlier than I had planned… after all, it's a weekend.

Okay, I've snapped together this chapter in a bit of a rush, most of it was already written but I've made some adjustments etc, so please forgive me for all errors as I've spent a couple of hours writing new material and haven't had time to check it properly. I can't be bothered to include any C7 scenes, I usually put them into my stories for integrity, so if you're missing them, then feel free to use your imagination whilst the rest of us vomit silently in a corner. Enjoy!

_Chapter two: As it should be_

_Six months earlier_

Kathryn was on her fifth cup of coffee that evening when she heard someone at her office door buzzing for entry. She glanced up at the clock: it was almost eleven. Her assistant had left four hours ago and it was too early for security to be doing the rounds investigating why the lights were still on in her office. It was too late for normal people to bother her and Tuvok was still on Vulcan and wasn't due back for another couple of weeks so that only left one person who it could be. "Come in," she called out, feeling no need to look up from her computer screen as Chakotay entered. "I know, it's late," she stated, hoping that she could short cut the lecture she was in no doubt of receiving, "but I have a lot of work to do and it really can't wait."

"I know," he said simply.

The ease at which he caved to her argument surprised her and was enough to cause her to look up from her work. He was out of uniform having opted for jeans and a black polo shirt instead and was making his way over to the couch with a basket in one hand and bottle of wine in the other. When he saw her looking at him he smiled, "I thought you could do with a break," he explained as he sat himself down, "after all, even 'heroic delta quadrant captains' need to eat once in a while."

She attempted a scolding look at the presumption that she would even consider moving away from her desk, but it failed drastically as she struggled to suppress a small grin. She stood from her chair and made her way across the room to join him, "I suppose it couldn't hurt to take a few minutes out." When she saw him take a cork screw to the bottle of wine she hesitated, "it that's real though I think I might have to give it a miss."

Chakotay met her eyes moment, a wicked glint in them as he ignored her reluctance to joint him with a drink and pulled the cork out anyway. "I've brought some hypos with me," he nodded towards the opened picnic basket which she gazed down to see not only two hyposprays but a delightful array of food inside.

Sitting down beside him her grin widened, "I knew there was a reason I hired you."

He shot a smile in her direction before his concentration again turned to the bottle of wine and of pouring it into two glasses which he had produced from the basket. "I thought Starfleet gave you an assistant to ease your work load," he commented neutrally, both at the hour at which she was working and the obvious absence of anyone to assist her.

"They gave me an assistant so that they could increase my work load," absently she rubbed her temple; the thought of how much she had left to do almost enough in itself to bring on a headache.

"I wish I could help more," he said sadly, "but I only finished an hour ago myself."

Resting a hand on his shoulder she shook her head, "you're doing more than your fair share Chakotay," he looked up to meet her gaze a moment before she broke the connection in favour of investigating what food he had brought with him. "Whoever would have thought returning from the delta after seven years would have brought with it so much red tape and paper work?" She joked lightly as she lifted out a quiche.

"It feels like it's going to take us another seven years to finish these debriefings," he returned although with a much more sombre attitude, "did admiral Paris give you any indication earlier how much longer they're going to want to hold all the crew in San Francisco?"

Kathryn had just started to unwrap the sandwiches when she answered, "maybe another couple of weeks for the junior Starfleet officers, a couple after that for the former maquis and the rest of the senior officers, and I get the impression they'll be wanting to hold onto the two of us for quite some time."

Chakotay sat back against the couch and took a long sip from his glass of wine, "and after that we'll be free to go wherever we like?"

Raising an eyebrow she shot him a curious expression, "planning on running off somewhere?"

His mouth curved up a little at her tone, "not running, more like visiting; I thought maybe I would see my sister for a while, my home world… or at least what's left of it, perhaps go catch up with a few old friends…" he paused, "I think I need to lay a few old ghosts I left in the alpha quadrant to rest."

She studied him for a short while, "and after that, do you know what you're going to do?"

He shrugged, "not a clue."

"I guess you'll want to stay close to Seven?" she eyed him carefully, wanting to examine his reaction to her question knowing it would be much more insightful than the actual answer he gave.

At the mention of Seven's name he looked away to avoid Kathryn's penetrating gaze, he had never wanted her to find out from anyone but himself about his involvement with the drone let alone some bitter old admiral from the future. "I think we'll both try and take positions close by one another," he felt much more awkward than he sounded, "how about you," he wanted desperately to change the topic, "do you know what you want to do when this is all over?"

For a moment she considered pressing the issue just to see him squirm a little, but the truth was she didn't really want to know anything about them and forcing the conversation further would only make them both feel more uncomfortable. "Not really," she replied with a fresh tone, "I think I'll spend my accrued time off relaxing on Earth… and after that maybe take another ship."

"Commanding in the delta quadrant hasn't put you off space exploration then?" he grinned softly now pushing thoughts of Seven from his mind to concentrate on the woman before him.

Kathryn chuckled, "not at all, the alpha quadrant should feel like a walk in the park in comparison."

"Well, if you need a first officer," he offered openly, "you'd better take me now before I'm snatched up."

"You don't think that's a little presumptuous of you?" she asked, hiding her smirk by taking a gulp of wine.

"What? That Starfleet would let me keep my field commission, or that I will be in high demand?"

"No, that I would want you back," she answered, only able to keep her face straight long enough for him to start to question his presumption, but all to quickly her face broke into a brilliant smile and she laughed openly for having so easily duped him.

Chakotay would have joined in the banter immediately had he not been so thrown back by the way in which she smiled and laughed and he found himself not looking at his captain and friend of seven years, but the woman who he had first me in the delta quadrant all that time ago. The woman he had grown to admire, with whom he had found not just friendship but a soul mate, who he had learned to trust with his crew, his life and with his inner most thoughts and fears. The same woman he had lost his heart to and fallen in love with despite his every effort to resist all attraction and magnetism towards.

"These sandwiches are good," she commented after having taken a bite, oblivious to her companion's momentary lapse in concentration, "did you make them yourself?"

Forcing himself to quickly recover he tried to answer in a manner appropriate to the light mood in which she had asked, "yes, I went back to my apartment for a while to pack the picnic after I finished in the office."

She shot him a grateful look, "okay, maybe I'd keep you on as my first officer."

"Don't you think that's a little presumptuous of you?" he returned her earlier question.

Kathryn quirked an eyebrow and rolled her eyes, "with your record of crashing shuttles I'm not sure many other captains would have you to be honest."

Chakotay grinned, but decided to let slide any possible retort. They finished the rest of the picnic with the accompaniment of mild banter, good conversation and a second bottle of wine which Kathryn found in one of the many gift bundles that had been sent to her since their return to Earth a week previously. By the time they had finished that bottle it was well past midnight, but both seemed oblivious to time as they chatted away about everything and nothing.

At some point they had closed the gap between one another on the couch and amidst the toxicity of the alcohol and friendly atmosphere they had both become unaware of their close proximity. Chakotay had his arm spread across the back of the sofa and was turned towards Kathryn who had her legs tucked up comfortably beneath her body. She touched him casually like he remembered she always used to, and the fact that his hand was placed lightly on her knee went unnoticed by both of them.

"Okay," Kathryn said, catching her breath between bouts of laughter, "ignoring the temporal prime directive…"

He shot her an exasperated but amused expression, "I still couldn't chose, besides you're the only one here who goes about ignoring the temporal prime directive."

His comment was a reminder of admiral Janeway and it instantly killed the joke as her smile fell and eyes dropped away from his. He knew it wasn't because of the admiral's sacrifice which caused his former captain to look away, (although he knew the guilt of leaving her behind to the Borg would be with her for some time,) but it was also the fact that deep down he knew Kathryn was scared that she could still become that woman. The admiral had been pleasant enough, but she was arrogant, bitter, self righteous and hardened from the many years she had endured in the delta quadrant. He could understand why, she had obviously lost more crew members, had been forced to make even more morally and ethically questionable decisions in order to get home, and most importantly had sacrificed and denied herself for a further sixteen years aboard Voyager. He knew the guilt and worry that Kathryn had carried with her for seven years had become intolerable as it was, he didn't even want to imagine how it must have been a further few years down the line.

What scared not only her but him the most was not what Kathryn had become in an alternate future, but what they both saw she had slowly started to become in the second half of their journey home together.

The silence dragged on, and whilst he left her to dwell in her own thoughts, he knew exactly what she was thinking. Instinctively he raised his hand so that his palm was cupping her cheek and he tilted her face slightly so that she was forced to look at him. He looked deep into her eyes because he wanted her to know that his words were sincere, "you will never become her Kathryn," he promised, "not now. I won't let it."

It was a long moment that they gazed into each others eyes, almost seeing into each others souls as they did so. Kathryn raised her hand to cover his with her own, and the look he saw in her eyes now was not of gratitude at his words, but of desire. He swallowed, hard, wanting more than anything to believe that she really wanted him, but he knew she was drunk and he was convenient. Slowly he pulled his hand away from her, "I guess we should probably use the hypos now," he explained his actions, using the moment with his back to her as he rummaged through the picnic basket to collect himself together. "If we stagger back to our apartments at this late hour singing delta quadrant melodies it will probably be all over the papers tomorrow."

Despite her compromised state of mind Kathryn realised that he was right, not about the staggering back to their apartments as they both knew they could always transport, but about the unspoken message that passed between them. He was involved with Seven, and she would only regret anything that happened. She felt the press of the spray into her neck and then heard the hiss as he dosed himself. They both sat back a moment as the medication soon took effect and the slightly blurred surroundings quickly sharpened and the haze of both their thoughts focussed.

Watching absently as he packed the remnants of their picnic away she missed his question the first time he asked it. "Kathryn," he repeated, this time looking round at her, "are you going back to your apartment now? If so, we might as well share a transport."

She considered his question a short moment, "it's okay," she forced a smile, "I've got some work to finish up here, but thanks."

He considered her response, "promise me you won't stay too late; I have half a mind to get the doctor to declare you unfit for duty just so that you'll be able to take a few days off from all of this."

Kathryn was grateful for his concern, "I'm fine," she insisted, "but I won't stay much longer… I promise," she added in the hope he would let her off.

It seemed to work as he stood from the couch and picked up the basket, "I'll see you tomorrow morning at our Omega debriefing," he needlessly reminded her of their early start.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said good naturedly as she moved up to stand beside him, "and thanks for coming by; I needed a break."

He looked thoughtful a moment as if he wanted to say something more, but then he seemed to change his mind, "good night Kathryn," he bid her instead as he made to move from her office.

"Good night," she said after him, and waited until he had left before she moved back to her desk to continue her work.

-

Voyager's return to the alpha quadrant had nicely coincided with one of the most glorious summers San Francisco had had in over eleven years, so when there had been a two hour lull in-between meetings, Kathryn had eagerly accepted Chakotay's offer to take a walk through the gardens around Starfleet headquarters.

Although the new Starfleet uniforms were very well equipped to deal with the high mid-day temperature, Chakotay had removed his jacket and carried it slung over his shoulder, whilst Kathryn remained clad in hers, thinking it best to maintain a professional stance whilst the high publicised news of their return made her face very recognisable. Ignoring the lingering looks of cadets that passed them, and briefly acknowledging those that saluted them, they walked about noting of all the changes that had occurred in the gardens over the years, and also the recent death of the infamous gardener Boothby.

Finally they stopped on the middle of a bridge that crossed over one of the larger lakes. Their talk gently drifted into silence and they both looked out across the still water, content in nothing but each others company. The past two weeks since their return had passed in a blur, and sometimes it was nice to simply do nothing but reflect on all of the sudden changes. What Chakotay found most intriguing was the slow transformation of his former captain, as he saw her letting go of her command reins and some of the anxiety that seven years in the delta quadrant had built into her, and he realised that Kathryn was re-emerging from behind the command mask.

She had lead with the integrity of the finest Starfleet officers, but he saw that every ethical dilemma she had been faced with had caused damage and doubt to her moral compass. She had faced every situation with a fearlessness and bravery that he was proud to have been witness to, but he knew that when she was given time to reflect should couldn't understand what had provided her the courage, and occasionally she would even confide in him how she was just as scared and worried as the next crewman, if not more. The authority she walked with was admirable and compelling, but it isolated her from the rest of the crew and he saw that sometimes she longed to be a simple crewman, working alone on the lower desks to escape the over powering responsibility that came with having an entire crew dependant on her.

To cope with it all she had become a different person. She became a captain that felt no pain or sadness, who never grew weary or tired, who could make a snap decision and worry about the consequences of it later. Captain Janeway was a woman he respected, admired maybe, and sometimes simply had to tolerate, but he didn't love her, because the captain could never love him back. He had been in love with the woman behind the mask, the women he had first met seven years ago, who he had consummated that love with on New Earth, but who had been fading even since. It had taken him a long time to realise that he was losing her, as the glimpses of her real self shone through less often and less willingly, before all that was left was an emotionless shell. When finally that realisation had struck, he had mourned for a long while before deciding to move on.

"I suppose now we're back on Earth I should take you sailing on the real Lake George," he said absently, his mind lingering in the past and loosening his tongue, and their current surroundings reminding him of a promise he had made many years ago before Kathryn had disappeared.

She was silent for long enough for him to realise what he had just said, and although bringing up that part of their history may have been a mistake only a few weeks ago, now it seemed only natural to speak his mind. "Perhaps when the debriefings are over," she was vague, "I can't think of anything but the memorial service right now."

He empathised with her. "It's unfair of Starfleet to put it so close to our return," he complained, "especially asking you to lead it; you're under enough pressure as it is."

"They want to get it over and done with quickly," she commented neutrally, "we've dealt with the losses as and when they came, but something official here is needed for all the families. I'm the right person to give the main speech, it would seem weird if I didn't… besides, I wouldn't like a complete stranger to talk about people that meant nothing to them."

"I know," he sighed, he too had been asked to make a small speech of his own, and he had willingly agreed, but he still wished that somehow Kathryn could be spared from the event, he knew she struggled to deal with it as it was, without having to dredge it all back up. "Would you like any help with what to say?" he offered his services.

She smiled but shook her head, "I'll let you know if I need a sounding board, but otherwise I think it's something I should do by myself."

He nodded, and leant heavily against the railings of the bridge. "I saw Tom and Miral earlier today," he changed the topic, much to the relief of his companion.

"How are they?" she asked, coming out of her sombre mood.

Chakotay shrugged, "well Miral was just crying a lot, but I think we can forgive her that given her infant status," he said, to receive a small smirk from Kathryn. "I was told that B'Elanna's post birth hormones have made her so tranquil that she almost seems doped, and Tom seems to be enjoying his newest promotion to fatherhood."

"B'Elanna tranquil…" Kathryn said thoughtfully, "is that an oxymoron?"

"I was more surprised to see Tom cooing and singing to a baby," he mocked a scared look, "it really plays down his bad-boy image."

She rolled her eyes, "why do so many men dislike all children but their own?"

"Why do women all coo over and look adoringly at even the most ugly babies that aren't even theirs?"

Kathryn laughed, knowing that she herself was guilty of his last comment, "I don't know," she replied unnecessarily, "but maybe one day you'll settle down and find yourself a father being mocked by all those who aren't."

He pulled a doubtful expression. In his youth he had made a talent of dodging commitment and avoiding women who had wanted it and he was certain he could keep it up if he wanted to. In later years he had struggled to find any one suitable; after having made a habit of going for the right women to avoid a real relationship with, he found that they were also the wrong women to try and make a life with, but had had already tailored his tastes in such a way that he found the trend difficult to overcome. He had no regrets of having never started a family, but now he found himself wanting one, but waiting for the right woman to make him take that plunge was another matter.

"Maybe," was all he said, and without thinking he shot her a knowing look.

Suddenly she looked a little awkward, and he realised what he had just done and instantly felt guilty, this wasn't the time or the place, and most importantly it stepped over the bounds of their carefully defined friendship. "I suppose we should be heading back," she said quickly.

He considered apologising, but knew it would only make it worse to pull it further out into the open, "I think that's a good idea," he agreed instead.

Together they walked back to the central Starfleet building which raised high into the cloudless sky, and whilst they recovered from the moment and slipped back into friendly banter and casual conversation, Chakotay was aware of a change that was overcoming them that it would no doubt take Kathryn a long time to acknowledge. Somehow, his feelings were re-emerging for this woman, and he was almost half certain from the looks she shot him occasionally that she felt it too.

-

_A few days later_

Starfleet had felt it was appropriate as soon as possible after Voyager's return to hold a memorial service for all those who hadn't made it home. Although most agreed it was a good idea, Chakotay had been concerned from the very first mention of Starfleet's plans about the further emotional strain this would put on his captain. His worries were verified that afternoon as he had watched Kathryn give a speech to the many hundreds of people who had been invited to attend, and after the ceremonies had finished she then moved on to talk to the families of every lost crew member to offer words of condolences.

She spoke kindly to everyone, was good natured throughout and smiled when it was appropriate. But he saw that the smiles never quite made it to her eyes, and that as she spoke to the families of the dead their ghosts rose to haunt her already guilty mind all over again. He himself had given a brief speech on the members of his own crew who had died in the initial pull to the delta quadrant: 'those who had never met Kathryn and had the privilege to serve under her'. Although he would always remember each one of those people, he didn't feel personally responsible for the loss of them in much the same way that she did.

Chakotay had thought that their return to the alpha quadrant would have eased her guilt, and he almost thought it had in the past three weeks as he had slowly started to see Kathryn re-emerge from beneath the captain's mask she had worn for seven years. But as he watched every conversation drain her further, he feared that she would hide back behind her shield of protocol and duty.

The wake after the memorial service started to come to a close and as people started to leave Chakotay had intended to go to Kathryn then, but Seven had asked that he escort her back to her apartment. Having not known Tom had spiked the punch she had downed an entire glass before realisation had struck, and not wanting to embarrass herself with going to the doctor, she asked that he accompany her until she could administer herself with a hypospray. When he got to her apartment she had requested that he join her for an evening meal. At first he had refused but then she asked why, and not thinking it wise to explain because he had intended to spend the evening with another woman he had decided to stay behind for a couple of hours to eat with her.

Chakotay turned up to Kathryn's apartment late that evening only in the hope that she would be there, (one of the disadvantages he found to being back on Earth was being unable to ask a computer for someone's location). He waited a minute of so after ringing her door bell for the third time and was just about to give up and go look for her in her office when the door finally opened.

"Chakotay," she looked surprised but at the same time pleased to see him as she stepped back to let him in, "sorry, have you been out here long? I was just running a bath and only heard the bell when I stopped running the water."

"Not too long," he stepped through the doors and into her apartment, "but now I know you're here I should probably call off the search parties."

She smiled across at him good naturedly, "I thought you would spend the evening with Seven, I didn't expect to see you here tonight."

He felt a little awkward at her comment and assumption and for a moment wondered at her perception of his relationship with Seven. "No, I wanted to come here and make sure that you were okay."

She shot him a quizzical expression, "why wouldn't I be?"

"The memorial service," he bluntly reminded her. He watched as her mouth opened to say she was fine, but then she closed it just as quickly, no doubt realising he would see through any façade.

Without invitation he walked over to her living area and sat himself down on her couch, "I think everyone was very touched by the speech you gave," he decided to ease her into the conversation.

She hesitated where she was stood a moment before moving to sit by him, "I didn't think it was anything special… I just tried to be honest."

"It came through well," he assured her, but he could tell from her posture as she slumped herself down closely beside him that the outcome of her speech was furthest from her mind.

"I just wish speeches like that weren't necessary," she freely confessed, so that he could clearly hear the strain in her voice as she spoke. "Tell me I did all I could."

"Kathryn, we all did," he met her eyes with a steady look, then smiled softly across at her, "if it wasn't for you I don't think we would have made it back at all." He could see her about to roll her eyes, "I'm serious. Please don't think about everyone we lost, try to concentrate on all the good we did, the lives we saved and the lives you got back home."

"You're being unfair Chakotay," her tone changed to that of frustration, "you're crediting me with all we accomplished and sharing the blame for all my mistakes…"

He was a quiet a moment as he knew she was right and was uncertain how to respond. "I suppose that's what it is to be a good first officer: to only let you make the right choices. Any mistakes you made, we made together. So please at least give me the decency of allowing me to share that responsibility with you."

Kathryn looked up to meet his gaze. Tentatively she reached across to place a palm against his chest, "you've always been more than a good first officer," she told him sternly, "you were a good friend as well…" As she looked up at him he suddenly saw a sadness consume her eyes, and he could tell that it wasn't anything now to do with the memorial service, "perhaps a better friend than I deserved."

There was no need for her to tell him exactly what she meant by that, they were both well aware of her abuses not only of their friendship but of his feelings for her over the years. He had forgiven her every time of course, but the strain their command had placed on their relationship had driven a distance between them in more recent years, and both were now unsure if it was in any way recoverable. "Voyager was your priority, I always understood that," his words had a deeper meaning that he made clear to her from the intense look that followed them. What he also meant to say was that he understood why she had refused him any romantic entanglement, why she had forced a wedge between any deep emotional connection they could have shared. Why she had refused to return his love and affections to the same degree he had wanted to demand.

She looked away, as he knew she probably would; this was something they had avoided talking about for over five years aboard Voyager, and it would take more than two weeks in the alpha quadrant to reach the point where they could talk about it. Chakotay retreated a moment into his thoughts, he realised he had been making the assumption that one day they might discuss their feelings for one another, but by the time they were both ready for that conversation they might have both already moved on with their lives, and neither in any position to do anything about it.

"I intend to amend that Chakotay," she returned to meet his gaze, catching him a little off guard as he had already started to slip into his own thoughts. "I hope… after these debriefings have finished, we will stay in close contact; I want us to rebuild our friendship."

Chakotay smiled fondly across at her, she seemed a little uncertain in her words as if maybe she didn't expect him to agree to her suggestion. "There's nothing to stop us from starting now." He said softly and noticed her visibly relax as he realised that she had been tensing in anticipation of his response. After shooting him a grateful smile Kathryn rested her head against his shoulder, and instinctively he brought his arm around her back to place his hand firmly on her upper arm.

They sat for a long time in comfortable companionship, and he was reminded of a time when their friendship had been easy and guilt-free and in that moment he truly saw the horizon where it could be again. And then an unease over came him as he noticed how right it felt to have her rested against him, how at peace he felt simply by being in her proximity and he knew in that moment he still wanted more from her. His next actions had two main motivations: the intoxication of her closeness which brought with it a wave of desire, and the sudden fear of losing her.

Without thinking he twisted his body slightly, and in confusion at his sudden movement she moved her head from his shoulder to turn and look up at him. Their eyes met, it was such a brief exchange that she didn't have time to understand his intentions until she felt his fingers tilt her chin and he leant forwards to place his lips gently against hers. Instinctively she kissed him back, her mind momentarily going blank as she felt a shiver run up her spine in the unexpected electricity of his touch. But then her consciousness regained control and forced her to see the reality of the situation she now found herself in: she wasn't ready for this and most importantly, he was involved with Seven.

She placed a forceful hand on his chest and pulled back from him. Reluctantly he broke off the kiss and sat a little way back from her, confusion and hurt flashing through his eyes as he tried to understand what was wrong.

"Chakotay, we can't…"

He looked away from her, what had felt right at the time he now realised probably wasn't the best idea he'd ever had. He was about to apologise, and retreat emotionally from the scene, when the thought occurred to him that he had nothing to be sorry for: she knew how he felt, and he was fairly certain she felt the same way about him… they were no longer in the middle of the delta quadrant, and she wasn't his captain. Any boundaries that existed before had now disappeared and were open for negotiation and re-establishment. He had done nothing wrong, and he realised that short of apologising now was as good a time as any to push the new parameters of their relationship. "Why not?" his voice was soft but strong, "you can't tell me this doesn't feel right."

Kathryn hesitated, admittedly it had felt good kissing him again after so long, and there was a part of her that hated herself for stopping him, but that didn't mean it was okay to let it happen. "You're with Seven… I won't do this to her."

He let out a sigh; she didn't understand. He was willing to make a go of a relationship with Seven, and apparently he had in the admiral's timeline as he'd married her, but that had been in a time where Kathryn was unavailable to him. He couldn't be with Seven if he knew there was any chance at all he could be with Kathryn, however he knew she wouldn't accept such an argument. "Don't use Seven as an excuse," he warned quietly, "you encouraged me to move on, you drove me to other women, to her… I won't let you turn that around on me now."

For a long moment she went quiet as he very successfully tried to guilt trip her into submission. "I'm not ready…" she began to protest.

"When will you be?" Frustration leaked into his voice as the same argument they had disguised and prodded at five years ago started to re-emerge, and as always she had an excuse. "When the debriefings have finished? A year from now? Ten years?" She had told him a few months after new Earth that it was protocol, but he hadn't accepted it as a good enough reason, so she had brought out the delta quadrant card, and explained to him that command was enough of a strain, she didn't want to have to deal with all the difficulties and complexities of a relationship. That second argument he had been forced to accept, and so their six month long affair was forgotten, and the crew had never been any the wiser as to what had happened, and after a time their friendship had again started to blossom.

It hadn't meant they had stopped sleeping together though. It was occasional and usually on her terms and there was never any regret or awkwardness, but there were limits and emotional confines which he had been forced to accept from her, and for a long time he had thought it would be enough. And then one night as he had lain beside her and pressed his lips to her forehead she had moved to snuggle up against his him and he knew then that it wasn't enough; he wanted all of her, not just the moments she spared him when the loneliness started to get too much. To love her and never feel loved in return was breaking his heart more than to never have her, so he had made a decision then to bring an end to it. That had been almost two years ago now, so long that he had almost forgotten he had ever been intimate with her, but as he sat with her now, that time felt like only a moment ago.

"I don't know," she admitted, much to his further frustration at the old argument, but this time she had different reasons.

"Why don't you just be honest with me for once Kathryn?" he came close to pleading, "if you don't want me, if you can never allow yourself to love me, then tell me now and I'll never bother you again."

She opened her mouth but was almost afraid to say anything for fear that it would be the wrong thing and she would lose him forever. "I need you Chakotay," she confessed openly, "and I do love you…" she wanted to go on to tell him that it was because she needed him so desperately to keep her grounded through all the changes that were now going on in her life, that now was the worst time for her to begin a relationship. She needed to find herself again and alone before she could ever be comfortable with someone else.

"Then just let this happen," he cut her off before she could give him her reasons.

Although she had worries about what would happen if they began a romantic relationship, it wasn't as strong and obvious as the fear she now felt that if she let him go he would walk out of her life completely. She found herself in a lose lose situation, if she resisted she would eventually lose him forever, but if she gave in now although she would gain an unwanted lover, at least she would still have him. Either way she was going to lose a friend. So she made the latter of the two choices, and slowly, maybe a little hesitantly she nodded her head in defeat.

He looked stunned a moment, he had been so used to losing his arguments to her that to win one was something unusual. Then relief washed over his face and he smiled gently down at her as he reached up to place his palm tenderly against the side of her face, his fingers lacing through her hair as slowly he moved down to kiss her. At first he thought that she was going to resist him again, but then he felt her relax a little and soften into his embrace and so he deepened the kiss. Finally he drew back, this time on his own terms, and he waited until she had met his eyes before he graced her with a smile; knowing that this was as it should be.

-

Dun dun dun! Okay, reviews, encouragement, suggestions maybe (bearing in mind that most of this has already been written), it all helps.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter three: This is it_

_Two months_

Kathryn looked uncertain as she sat in the arm chair in her apartment's lounge. Part of her wanted to ignore him and continue with her work, the other part wanted simply to tell him to stop being so presumptuous whilst he sat sprawled across her sofa as if he owned it.

"I don't really understand why you're saying no," he sighed.

"Do I have to give a reason?" she looked up from the padd knowing now that he wasn't going to let her concentrate on it.

"No, but it would help me counter your argument if I could understand it first," he said lightly. He should have been annoyed, but he had learnt to be patient with her, and for that she was grateful.

She allowed him a small grin, "I just think it's too soon," she explained, "besides, it's only been a month since you 'officially' ended your relationship with Seven."

"I wouldn't exactly call it a relationship…" he shook his head, "I'm not getting into that debate now. Just say you'll accompany me to the ball next week as my date."

"And what about Seven?" she reminded him.

"I doubt she'd even think twice about the two of us turning up together; Seven and I were over before it really began and she knows you and I are good friends. We've waited a respectful amount of time, we'll be doing nothing wrong by turning up together."

She hesitated, unsure whether or not to voice the true reason as to her unwillingness for them to arrive at the ball together. Reluctantly she realised that she needed to tell him in order to add more weight to her argument. "I don't want to make our relationship public just yet… especially not at something as open as this."

"Kathryn, it's a banquet not a wedding," he insisted with a small chuckle. "Unless we make an announcement that we're sleeping together people will just assume we're two friends who decide to turn up to a ball in each other's company. We might stir up some of the old gossiping from before, but does it really matter?"

She still didn't look convinced but knew that this was a conversation that couldn't be won, only surrendered to, "fine, I'll go with you." Suddenly he looked more smug than she'd seen him in a long time: he enjoyed getting the better of her. She decided that some ground rules were in order to put him back in his place, "we'll behave like good friends Chakotay, not like lovers."

His lip quirked up, "can we at least be _very_ good friends?"

Eying him carefully she attempted to ascertain what he meant by the word _very_, but she decided not to indulge him on this occasion, "no." It was enough to wipe the smile back off his face, but he seemed satisfied with succeeding in the first round and sank back against the cushions behind him as he returned his gaze to the ceiling. At last she felt she could return to her work, and her eyes drifted back to the padd.

It had been two months since their return to the alpha quadrant, and as the junior members of the crew came to the end of their debriefings and were being granted permission to leave the city and move about freely within the vast confines of federation space, Starfleet had felt now was an appropriate time to hold one final celebration for their return. Unlike the previous two events, this was not to be a private occasion, but one in which most Admirals, many diplomats and all high standing politicians had been invited. There would be press present inside and out the banquet hall, and with Voyager the centre of media attention Kathryn knew that every aspect of the evening would be speculated on, analysed and written about… including her conduct with Chakotay.

The former maquis yawned tiredly, "it's late Kathryn, we should go to bed."

His words took a moment to register, but finally they did and she looked across at him, not sure if she should be irritated at his assumption of spending the night with her, or appreciative as she always slept much better with him beside her. "Go ahead," was all she said, "I'll join you soon. I just want to finish this off."

He paused a moment before getting up and she got the distinct impression that he wanted to say something, but whatever it was he changed his mind and went alone to the bedroom. It wasn't for another hour that she made a move to join him. She had thought he was asleep already when she climbed into the bed beside him, and he almost was, but in his sleepy state he wrapped an arm around her, so she snuggled up against him, finding it easy to fall asleep in his warm embrace.

The following evening they did turn up to the final homecoming celebration together, clad in their dress uniforms which although Kathryn felt very comfortable in, she knew was highly unflattering to the female shape. Chakotay however, looked even more dashing than usual and he swept through the crowds of journalists and photographers by her side with a wide dimpled grin plastered across his face. Although she didn't enjoy all the attention, she did like the feeling of walking beside him with her arm looped loosely through his, and of the way he so eloquently and politely dodged all the questions thrown her way and quickly whisked her into the safety of the great hall.

After their entrance there was no time to spend talking to members of their crew who had seen very little of them the past few weeks as they were ushered towards a large table at the head of the hall which was reserved for themselves and only the most important of the invited guests. Among the admirals and diplomats Kathryn felt very much at home, and found it easy to talk with them about politics, protocol, research and of course Voyager. Although she sat several seats away from her former first officer she kept an eye on him throughout the evening, and was proud of the way he kept a captive audience as he recalled tales from the delta quadrant.

The meal came to a close and as deserts were being finished people started to get up and move into the next great room where a band had started to play, a couple of bars had been opened and the floor space was clear for gathering and dancing. No one was more eager than Kathryn to move out into the hall and mingle with her crew, but she found herself trapped in an intense debate with an elderly senator. Chakotay had moved to her side in the hope he could get her out of it, but with the topic falling on the maquis he found that he too became drawn into it against his will.

Despite both their subtle and then later not so subtle attempts to bring the conversation to a polite close, the senator continued on a verbal rampage, not at them, but at everyone and everything, and they both quickly learnt not to make any contrary comments for fear of drawing the debate out any further. "… but the biggest problem they face isn't from the remnants of the maquis now, it's from the Ferengi, who insist on being compensated for the economic distress the war caused their empire and are demanding that they be allowed free mining rights in the region. If Fargo Yelfta had any common sense he wouldn't even consider handing the system over to the maquis leftovers." Kathryn saw Chakotay biting down hard on his tongue at the last comment and silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything.

"It's my understanding," a tall man nearing his fifties entered the group, "that the region you're speaking of originally belonged to the Gouftan tribes, who formed a sizeable portion of the maquis." Chakotay didn't know the man, but recognised him as someone who had spent a large portion of the evening talking with Kathryn. He wasn't sure exactly what he did which was so important as to merit him a place at the head table, but he felt uneasy about the way he had been looking at Kathryn that night.

"Yes, after they pushed the Cardassians out over three decades ago," Chakotay could tell that the old man didn't like the newcomer to the conversation.

"They brought that system from the Cardassians after Starfleet forced them from Faylon III, a motion I believe you helped to pass senator."

The old man glared up at the dazzling blue eyes of the younger diplomat who in turned smiled kindly at him. "If you'll excuse me captain Janeway, commander," he turned back to the two of them, "but I promised to speak with admiral Gibson this evening and I just saw him entering the ball room."

"Of course," Kathryn forced a smile and waited until he had left before she dropped the pretence and rolled her eyes turning at once to the stranger, "thank you, I was worried he would never stop."

"The trick with people like him is to know everything about them just in case you ever need to remind them of who they really are," he said smoothly.

She smiled up at him a moment before she seemed to remember that they were not alone and turned to Chakotay, "I'm sure you know of my first officer from Voyager: commander Chakotay," she politely introduced, "Chakotay, this is Caleb Enfield part of Romulus's diplomatic team."

The two men shook hands with murmurs of how nice it was to meet one another. "Well, thank you again for getting rid of the senator," Chakotay said and she felt him place a hand on her lower back, "but now we really should take some time to say goodbye to our crew."

"Of course," if Caleb was offended by the commander's clipped tone, he didn't show it. Before Kathryn could say anything she felt a pressure behind her and found herself being guided away, only finding herself enough time to give their rescuer an acknowledging nod before they left.

"That was rude," she muttered as they stepped through into the next hall.

"I didn't want to get caught up in more political talk," he said and she could tell from his expression that he didn't want to expand on his reasons for the quick get-a-way so she let it slide.

The rest of the evening went smoothly and was much more enjoyable for them both. At some point they comfortably parted company allowing Chakotay to spend time with those he had formed the closest relationships with over the years such as Ayala, Sullivan and some of the other maquis, and Kathryn was given free roam to work the crowd, taking time to speak to every member of her crew and allowing herself to be interrupted from time to time by other invited guests.

It still wasn't too late in the evening when the band quietened and the sound of tapping glass caused everyone to quieten and turn in the direction of the stage where admiral Paris was stood. "I'm sorry to interrupt you all," his voice boomed so that all could hear, "but there is one item on the agenda for tonight which we thought best be kept a surprise," his eyes searched the crowd, "I will need captain Janeway up here to help me with this," he added.

Now everyone in the hall was looking around. Chakotay frowned, Kathryn hadn't mentioned anything about this to him, and he didn't really think that she would want to give a speech tonight with the eyes of the media watching her every word and move carefully. He saw her emerge at the stage with a look of confusion and curiosity on her face as she stepped up to join the admiral and he realised that this was a surprise even to her.

Admiral Paris smiled warmly across at her, "I have known Kathryn Janeway since she was a cadet and she came to my office and talked me into being her PhD supervisor. Since then I have watched her go from being an adept and innovative scientist to a great and courageous leader, and like many people in this room, I'm proud to say I've been a part of her life, and it brings me great joy to be a part of this as well," he turned from the crowd and back towards Kathryn.

It was then that Chakotay noticed an ensign step forwards who had been lingering at the back of the stage since the admiral had called for their attention. The ensign was part of Paris's assisting team and he held a black box the size of a cigar case in front of him, suddenly Chakotay realised what was happening, and saw the same look of recognition pass across Kathryn's face as her smile dropped.

"You'll have to stand to attention for this Kathryn," Owen prompted, and she did as instructed.

"For your journey through the delta quadrant and discoveries of new life and civilisations which will have scientists studying and baffled for years to come, I wish to award you the Archer medal for exploration," he said, his aide opening up the case allowing him to reach in side to produce a silver brooch in the shape of the original USS enterprise.

He pinned the medal to her uniform, but she didn't look at it, instead her eyes were fixed on some distant part of the wall. The admiral went on to award her two more medals, the Kirk crest for bravery and the Golden Falcon. The latter inducing a communal gasp from the observers as it was one of the federation's most highly respected awards, and was only usually given after death or towards the end of a lifetime of accomplishments, to be receiving it only mid-way through her career meant that Starfleet viewed her as one of the most distinguished captains in service.

Chakotay watched a mixture of emotions pass across her face as she was given each medal: happiness, pride, and a sadness which he easily explained through the losses she had suffered under her command, where she felt she had failed to keep safe the officers in her charge and for that he knew a part of her thought she didn't deserve the decorations.

"This final addition to your uniform tonight is not a medal," the admiral spoke directly to her, as if there was no one else in the hall with them. He reached back to the box, but no one in the audience saw what he removed from it as it was too small, Chakotay guessed that Kathryn had seen it as the small smile on her lips disappeared and she swallowed hard, and he got the feeling she didn't like what was about to happen. "Captain Janeway, Starfleet high commission met last week and decided you needed an extra pip, and it's now my honour to promote you to admiral."

The room was still until he had placed the pip on her collar, and as Kathryn came out of attention to shake hands with him the room suddenly erupted into applause. As she came down the steps from the stage the band started to play again and she found herself swamped with people wishing to congratulate her. The crowd around her was so dense that Chakotay found himself unable to make a move over to her, and so resigned himself finding her again later that night.

"So?" he heard the voice of the second most dominant woman in his life and turned to see B'Elanna standing there with one hand on her hip and a grin across her face.

"So?" he questioned her question.

She rolled her eyes, "you've been walking around Starfleet headquarters that past few weeks with a self-satisfied grin, big and smug enough to challenge the Cheshire cat, despite being over-worked and your break-up with Seven. And then you turn up tonight with the captain and please don't tell me that you're just happy to be home, because it's more than that."

"Do I have to have a reason to be happy?" he smiled despite himself.

She didn't batter an eyelid, "are you? I mean _really_ happy."

Chakotay's smile faded and his eyes drifted over to where Kathryn was standing, seemingly oblivious to him observing her. "I am," he gave a determined nod, his eyes moving back over to her, "I think this is it B'Elanna, I really think this is going to work."

The half-Klingon's face lifted into a small smile as she narrowed her eyes at him, "are you going to marry her?"

He let out a small chuckle, "let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet," but she could tell the idea of it excited him as the grin quickly returned to his features, "but maybe… as least I want to."

The last part of his sentence concerned her, and she wondered if her former captain was as committed to the relationship as him; Kahless knew she'd seen her break his heart on more than one occasion. However she brushed that thought aside, not wanting to be pessimistic or dwell on the past but to be happy for two people whom she loved very much.

After what seemed an eternity the crowd around Kathryn started to thin and she was left with some breathing room. She was engrossed in a conversation with Megan Delaney, Chapman and Tal Celes when she sensed someone come up right behind her and turned to see Chakotay beaming down at her, "I suppose congratulations is in order," he said, then gave polite nods in the direction of the others in the group.

"Thank you," she smiled up at him.

"The cap- admiral," Megan quickly corrected herself with a grin, "was just saying that Starfleet probably won't finish debriefing you for another few weeks."

Kathryn felt him place an arm behind her to rest a hand above her hip, from the smell of his breath she could tell that he had been drinking and worried maybe it was a little too much. "Probably not, but it should be a lot easier now since the amnesty has officially been extended to the Maquis crew and they've cleared the Equinox group of any potential charges," he assured her.

"Do you know what you're going to do after the debriefings?" Celes directed the question at Chakotay, he assumed that was what they had previously been discussing with Kathryn.

"Not yet?" The corner of his mouth lifted up, and he returned his attention back to Kathryn, "but right now I'd like to ask the new admiral if she'd care to dance with me?"

He watched the surprise of his proposal pass across Kathryn's face, and for a moment he worried that she would turn him down, but then her face broke into a gentle smile, "perhaps just for one song," she gave in.

His face lit up, he couldn't help it, and although he knew his behaviour towards Kathryn was giving away everything, he really didn't care. They excused themselves from the group and walked to an area where some of the guests had started to dance. Chakotay extended his hand to her in a formal fashion, and she took it, moving elegantly into his arms. Ignoring some of the looks being thrown in their direction (mainly from those who hadn't served with them aboard Voyager) they moved slowly to the music.

"Do you think you'll miss it?" he asked without having to explain himself, they both knew he was talking about command.

"I hope not," she replied honestly, one hand was rested on his shoulder, the other on his waist.

"You're going to hate a desk job," he noted.

She chuckled, and with her mouth so close to him, he could feel her warm breath against his neck, "do you think?"

"Yes," he said simply, "I can see you pushing to be made a fleet admiral and commanding a cohort of science vessels on the fringes of explored space."

"Oh really?" her eyes twinkled.

Chakotay pouted a little, "maybe," he paused a moment and his face became unreadable, "maybe not. Don't let them push you into anything you don't want to do, you deserve to be happy Kathryn."

"I am happy," she insisted, but even as the words left her mouth she started to doubt them. "This promotion should give me more flexibility: when I spoke with Paris earlier this week he said that Starfleet would more or less let me have my pick of assignments."

"Will you stay on Earth?" it wasn't the first time he had asked her, but this time she sensed he wanted a definite answer.

"Yes," she replied, "for the time being at least."

Their feet stepped in synchrony without either of them having to think about it, and she found him gazing down at her with a deep look in his eyes, his mind thinking over something and she was at a loss to guess at what. "I never want to be apart from you," he said, his voice dropping so that no one would overheard.

She met his gaze, the meaning of his words reaching her: he was planning to stay on Earth with her. She didn't say anything, aware of the very public setting she knew this was the wrong time and place for this conversation. Instead she moved her body a little closer to his and danced with him for much of the rest of the evening, despite the attention they were drawing by doing so.

V

_Two months, two weeks_

Chakotay grabbed a large and heavy box from the back of the loading vehicle as Tom came up and lifted another crate from beside it. "After this there's just one more left," Chakotay nodded in the direction of another box in the corner, "we can leave that for Harry and go join the women for coffee."

Tom feigned irritation, "coffee? We've spent the past few hours doing hard manual labour, and their only contribution is a hot drink? I was at expecting at least a slap up meal."

The older man chuckled lightly, "well, I think Kathryn brought some of Gretchen's home-made brownies," he offered.

Tom pretended to consider it, "she does make fairly nice cakes doesn't she?"

Chakotay grinned as they walked down the ramp together, and stepped out onto the front lawn of the Paris's new home, "and Kathryn makes a mean brew of coffee."

"I'm sure she does," Tom spoke with an obvious undertone, which was enough to cause his former first officer to shoot him a mock warning glare which made both men smile.

Chakotay looked up at the white building in front of them; the large front lawn they crossed over was balanced by an even bigger garden at the back surrounded by a picket fence. The house had four bedrooms, an office for B'Elanna, a guest suite and a basement (which Tom already had his eye on for a games room). The couple had decided to remain in Starfleet and as they knew their new assignments would be near to San Francisco, they had chosen to live in a location not too far from the city, but not so close that they weren't able to find a comfortable home within walking distance of some small but friendly schools.

Although not envious of the shape Tom and B'Elanna's lives were now taking, Chakotay did find himself reflecting on what he wanted from his own future, and seeing them together and so happy made him realise that this was something he eventually wanted with Kathryn: a home together.

"That one's going in the attic room," Tom explained as they stepped up to the front door, forcing his friend's mind back into the present moment.

"Thanks," he said sarcastically, the weight of the cumbersome object already tugging at his arms and the thought of two flights of stairs not helping.

When Chakotay had dumped the box he started to make his way back down towards the lounge where he suspected they had all congregated for coffee, but as he reached the landing on the first floor, movement in one of the bedrooms caught his attention and he stopped his descent. He saw Kathryn with her back to him, pacing for a moment in sight of the doorway before moving to an area of the room he couldn't see from his vantage point. He realised she was in the nursery, and with that realisation came the recognition that she was with Miral.

Without thinking, he moved quietly over to the door, and stood in the doorframe to see Kathryn standing by the window, holding the baby against her chest as she gently rubbed her back. She hadn't noticed his entrance and so he remained undisturbed by the doorway watching Kathryn interact with the child, inexplicably transfixed by the scene.

She looked so natural and at ease with the baby in her arms, and the soft smile on her face told him that she relished the feeling. Miral made a disgruntled gurgle, which Kathryn quickly responded to with a soft hushing, bouncing the baby gently in an effort to calm her back down and sooth her into sleep. He wasn't sure at first why seeing her like this moved him so deeply, but the thought of what she would be like with his child slowly crept into his mind. His thoughts were interrupted though as he found Kathryn's gaze suddenly on him as she must have sensed him staring.

A frown consumed her features in confusion as to why he was just standing there, but he quickly regained his composure and eased her with a dimpled smile he knew all too well would melt her. Her lip quirked up as he had expected it would and she moved her eyes from him and back to the baby as he entered into the room, "I've managed to calm her down," she explained quietly, "but she refuses to go to sleep."

"Maybe she knows there's coffee downstairs," Chakotay joked, "I know that's enough to keep you up at night."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, although they both knew it was true. She felt his hands on her hips and move slowly down her thighs in a torturous caress before feeling his lips against her neck, her eyes closed in relish of the sensation before she remembered herself, "Chakotay!" she scolded, trying to step out of his grasp, but before she had the chance his arms were wrapped around her middle and he was affectionately nuzzling her ear.

Another cry from Miral and he stopped his advances, but his arms remained in place around her as he rested his chin against the side of her head and looked down at the baby in her arms who she was now trying desperately to soothe. "When can we have one of these?"

His question barely registered as she was more relieved at having avoided another wailing session from the small girl, "when they come with off buttons," she returned lightly.

Chakotay released her from his grasp, "I'm serious," he said, stepping around to face her.

"Chakotay…" she sighed, but whatever she had been about to say she didn't, realising that the question he was now asking required more than a quick answer off the top of her head. "A child would be a lot of commitment," she chose her words carefully now, "can you really say we're ready for that?"

"_I_ am," he said quickly, "I've been ready to commit absolutely to you since we were stranded on that planet five years ago."

She met his gaze, searching his eyes for any sign that this was some sort of game, she was disappointed to find that it wasn't. "I'm not even sure if I want to start a family Chakotay. In the delta quadrant I gave up on the idea of becoming a mother… returning to Earth so suddenly has changed a lot of things, but I'm not sure if it changes that."

He gave her a supportive look, not wanting her to feel that she would be letting him down by saying 'no'. "I know how hard it was for you on Voyager Kathryn, to resign yourself to never having your own child," he said with a sad smile, "but as you said things are different now. We have time to wait until you're ready," he assured her.

Kathryn looked away, focussing her attention on Miral who was now drifting off to sleep in her arms. In an effort to give herself more time to prepare a response to his suggestion she took her time in placing the baby carefully into the crib, standing near by with her hands rested on the sides of the cot as she watched to ensure the small girl was sleeping. Finally crunch time came and she realised she couldn't put him off for any longer and with a fearless reluctance she turned back to face him, "and what if I'm never ready to start a family with you?"

Chakotay bit his lip, in his heart he felt that creating a child with her would complete them both, but he knew how stubborn she could be and worried that she might not realise that she wanted it just was much as he did until it was too late. "You know nothing would make me more happy than making my family with you," he said sincerely, "but whether that's one, two… three children or none doesn't matter, I love you."

Their eyes met and locked, "and if I stand by my decision not to have a baby-"

"Then we won't," he gently interrupted, crossing over to her and placing his hands on her shoulders, "you're all I need, I'll accept what ever choice you make."

She looked up into his loving gaze for a long time and she knew that he meant his words: that he really would be happy either way, after all if he had wanted a family so desperately he would have started one years ago before he ever considered joining the maquis. As she allowed herself to be pulled forwards in his embrace, at the back of her mind she wandered if she could even give him what he needed, let alone what he now confessed he wanted from her. But as he lowered his head to kiss her deeply, she forgot herself, and it wouldn't be for a while longer that similar doubts would again cross her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4: Breaking Down_

_Two months, three weeks_

It wasn't the first time that Chakotay had met Kathryn's mother, as Gretchen Janeway had made several appearances in San Francisco since their return to Earth. On those occasions when they had met he had found her friendly, genuine and funny (some of the qualities he most admired in her daughter) and he knew that they would easily become fast friends. Phoebe, he had met only once, and that had been by accident. When visiting Kathryn's office in the hope of taking her out to lunch, he had bumped into her sister who had already pipped him to the post on a lunch proposal. Although the two women looked remarkably similar, he could tell instantly that they were two very different people, and his brief meeting with the woman had left him with a uneasy feeling as he was aware of a guardedness she had held towards him.

He had voiced his concerns about Phoebe to Kathryn that morning, but she had blown off his worries telling him that her sister had hated every man she had ever brought home, and that he would probably be no different. This didn't put Chakotay at ease. Eight hours since that comment and he felt all the more nervous as he walked beside Kathryn up the old dirt track which lead to her family home in Indiana. This would be the first time that he met the rest of her family.

They reached the front door and Chakotay shifted the bag on his shoulder and raised his hand up towards the bell, but he quickly halted his action as Kathryn shot him a sideways grin and twisted an old brass doorknob to open the door. "People don't tend to lock their doors around here," she elaborated on seeing his surprised expression.

He wondered how her family would ever know about their arrival if they didn't announce it from the ringing of the bell, but no sooner had they stepped from the porch into the front hall and Gretchen appeared from an opening just to the left of them. "You remembered your way then?" she addressed her daughter, but offered them both a smile which explained how pleased she was to see them at her home.

"Just about," Kathryn said, quickly dumping her bag on the exposed floorboards to take her mother in a warm embrace, "I'm sure you remember Chakotay," she gestured to the man standing awkwardly behind her.

Gretchen's lip quirked up in a manner he recognised from Kathryn which usually meant flirtation was to follow, "of course," she almost reprimanded her daughter, "who couldn't forget such a devishly handsome first officer?"

Chakotay attempted to smother a flattered grin, seeing Kathryn roll her eyes as Gretchen walked past her to reach up and embrace the man she'd brought with her. "It's good to see you again Gretchen," he said politely, "and thank you for inviting me to your house for the weekend."

He watched amusedly as Gretchen shot a look back to her daughter which although he couldn't see, he knew it must have irritated Kathryn as she shot a brief warning glare in the direction of her mother. "That's not a problem," she turned back round to him, "leave your bags down here for a moment, everyone else is in the dining room already and desperate to see you both."

Already starting to feel more relaxed about his stay in Indiana he placed a hand briefly on Kathryn's shoulder as they followed her mother down the hallway and into the other room. She looked up at him to give him a reassuring smile, and for the first time he saw her apprehension at his meeting her family. He could understand how she was feeling, most probably worrying that he wouldn't like them, or they wouldn't take to him as well as she was hoping. He knew she didn't need or want their approval of him, but he also knew having it would help.

He soon found himself being introduced to various relatives who had been invited for the gathering. He met Phoebe's husband: Gary, who was tall and lanky and to his surprise as much as a decade younger than her. They had three children, all boys, Ben was ten, Jake nine and Sammy was three and adorable. Her mother's brother and wife were there along with two of Kathryn's three cousins, plus their partners and four more children who's names swam by him and he instantly forgot. One person who he knew he wouldn't forget as the impression he made was very great indeed was a man introduced to him as William Vernon who he was quick to realise was a leading member of Earth's government and all the more impressively: Gretchen's partner. He wasn't sure why, but he had naively assumed that Gretchen would have remained a grieving widow, and he guessed that Kathryn wasn't too happy about William's presence knowing how much she had adored her father, but Gretchen was a charismatic woman (and like her daughter a dangerous flirt), if he'd known her better perhaps it would have surprised him more to find that she hadn't moved on.

When the fuss had died down enough for the two of them to sit at the table the meal was brought out by Gretchen and Kathryn's aunt, both of who seemed to be good friends. He found himself sitting beside his former captain which maybe wasn't the best of ideas as everyone started to bombard them both with questions which if they had have been split up, at least the attention would have been divided along the table. The seven children sat at another table in an adjoining room, and although forcefully instructed to stay put, he saw their heads twisting round in curiosity of what was going on at the main table, and at several points throughout the meal they used every excuse to enter the main room to get a better idea of what was happening.

Chakotay had worried that his vegetarianism would be problematic, but he was soon to find that Phoebe and her husband shared a similar philosophy and although Gretchen jokingly scorned their decision, she seemed more than happy to cater to their different pallets. The table was surrounded by talk, friendly banter and laughter throughout the evening, which got a little louder as wine was slowly consumed. When he reflected on his earlier unease about meeting Kathryn's family he found himself unable to understand why, as he quickly found himself feeling more at home there than he had for many years anywhere else. Although the attention on him was tiring, he answered fully every question shot in his direction, spoke easily with the men and pulled his charm effortlessly on the women, (despite Kathryn's mock warning glares).

As the meal came to an end the group of them joined the children in the lounge leaving only the men minus himself and William to clear up. As the adults relaxed with coffee on the couch and pulled chairs in from other areas of the house, Chakotay and Kathryn found themselves with the full attention of the children on them, who were even more exhausting than the dinner guests had been. Kathryn dealt with the children well, who ranged in age from fourteen to three. Her two eldest second cousins easily remembered her, and they recalled some of their fondest memories of her, Ben's memories were vague and Jake's non-existent, although he noticed her address them with a lovingness as if she had always been an active part of their lives.

At some point Kathryn excused herself from the main hub of people and together with her cousin they took the three eldest children up to the attic to take a look through the telescope. Her other cousin and his wife had made a move to leave some time later with their daughters and he soon found himself left with Kathryn's two youngest nephews. Sammy seemed to have taken a liking to him, and as he sat in the arm chair being quizzed about his adventures on Voyager by Jake, the little boy rested on his lap with a tired head on his arm and a thumb in his mouth.

"This is a sight not to be missed," Phoebe sat down opposite him beside her son, who's hair she ran an affectionate hand through. Jake instantly moved into his mother's side, relishing in the closeness to her. "My sister does have a habit of picking them."

Chakotay was instantly cautious of her words as she had a sly look on her face that he found difficult to translate; it had taken him years to fully understand Kathryn, he had no doubt it would take many more years to even begin to grasp her sister. "And what do you mean by that?" he was upfront, but kind.

She shrugged, "you're charming, handsome, obviously good with children, and patient, which is a virtue with Kathryn," she rolled her eyes at the thought of the many arguments their equally low tolerance of one another had brought about in their youth, "you're perfect for her."

"Thank you," he said carefully, "I think."

Phoebe's face relaxed and she smiled across at him which relieved a tension he hadn't been aware was building, "don't worry, it was compliment," she reassured him, but all too soon her face fell. "Be careful with her," it wasn't a warning, more like a request, "my sister also has a habit of falling for damaged men, and although she might have been able to handle them in the past, she's been through so much in her life now that I don't think she has the strength left to deal with any one else's problems but her own."

"I come more or less problem free," he said lightly, but the assurance was still forcefully there, "I love you sister, I'm going to do everything I can to make her happy."

The younger woman nodded slowly, "I hope so," this time it was a warning, and he didn't miss it. Releasing herself from the embrace of her now sleepy son, she reached forwards and took the other who was now fast asleep in his arms. She stood with the little boy, and taking the hand of the other child, she took them both from the lounge without any form of apologetic glance in his direction.

Chakotay watched the empty doorway and as he slowly came to the realisation that everyone who was staying the night at the house was making a move to bed he heard a chuckle from behind him. He turned to see William walking over to him with a mug of coffee in his hand. "Don't worry about Phoebe, it takes years to earn her trust, and that's if she even likes you in the first place."

He regarded the elderly man carefully who stood firmly across from him, "are you speaking from experience?"

William's face radiated power, but he raised an eyebrow with great elegance, "Edward Janeway was fiercely loved by his two daughters, I don't think either of them would ever regard me as anything more than a friendly impostor."

"And doesn't that bother you?"

William's chuckle was deep and hearty, "it would if Gretchen felt the same way," he smiled and seeing Kathryn re-enter the room he gave Chakotay a wink before walking away.

Although he found the man intriguing and was keen to continue talking with him as he had so little that evening, his attention was quickly drawn to Kathryn who looked completely worn out.

"Are the stars still there?" he asked as she crossed over to him and sat herself on the arm of the chair.

"Yes, they're still there," she laced an arm over his shoulders, and placed her chin on the top of his head. They were now alone in the lounge, and free for the first time that evening to behave affectionately towards one another without people to gawp at the intimacy of their relationship. "My aunt and uncle came up to the attic to say good bye and it suddenly made me realise the time."

"Is your cousin and his wife staying the night here then?"

"Yes they have the guest lodge, the boys are all taking the den, and Caitlyn is taking Phoebe's old room."

Chakotay didn't know the layout of the entire old farm house, having spent most of the time down stairs, but he knew there weren't _that_ many rooms, "where will I be sleeping?"

Kathryn looked down at him and although tired she still managed a seductive grin, "in my old room."

He decided to play coy, "and where will you be sleeping?"

"Shall I show you?" Their eyes met in a blaze of restrained passion which Chakotay was eager yet (given their surroundings) uncomfortable to explore.

He didn't have to answer as she stood and lead the way ahead of him anyway, taking his hand when they reached the top of the stairs to take him into the third door off the landing. Whatever he had thought her childhood room would look like, this was not it. He had imagined it would be littered with books and trinkets, her bed would be home to a few soft toys and her wall paper would be floral themed. The walls were magnolia, except for one which the head of the double bed was pushed up against which was lilac. There was one stuffed animal placed on a chair in the corner, but all the surfaces of furniture in the room were clear. He noticed their bags had already been brought up and were rested to one side of the room.

"So this is your old room?" he said as he looked around, closing the door quietly behind himself.

She smiled back at him as she made her way over towards her bag, "well, it's not the same as when I was a child, but when I was seventeen my sister and I redecorated as a summer project and my mum's left it like this since."

"Were you both minimalists back then?" he sat himself at the end of the bed as he pulled off his shoes.

He heard her laugh lightly, "no. I was however," she sighed reminiscently, "back then I thought attachment to material objects was a weakness I had to learn to overcome, but it's come back to haunt me over the years, and now I regret having painted over my childhood without any thought."

"Well, at least you have a solid reminder of your teenage years," he joked, unbuttoning his shirt.

She laid down her nightdress beside him before starting to undress, "I guess."

His eyes fixed on the silk material she'd pulled from her bag, and then they fixed on her as she stepped out of the dress she'd been wearing that evening. "Do you really think you're going to get into that tonight?"

Kathryn looked across at him and saw his eyes flicker towards her nightdress and a wicked look on his face, "I had been planning on it."

Suddenly she saw the item of clothing being flung to one side and Chakotay lunging towards her, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her to the bed, a giggle escaped her mouth before his lips claimed it and she realised his intent. After a long and playfully ferocious kiss he pulled back and held her tenderly in his arms as he took a moment to study her, a deep, adoring look in his eyes as he did so. "Thank you for showing me your home and your family Kathryn."

She smiled up at him, "I think they all like you."

"Except Phoebe," he pointed out.

"Except Phoebe," she agreed with a light laugh he was quick to join in with. But when the laughter had died down at the new joke, she again found his eyes fixed on her, and she knew him well enough to know exactly what he was thinking at that moment. As expected she found his lips pressed to hers and she knew it wouldn't be for a long while longer that they would be getting any sleep.

V

_Three months_

Chakotay knew the access codes to Kathryn's apartment in San Francisco but out of politeness he rang the door bell and waited.

"Hi," if she looked surprised to see him it was because he was meant to be in a meeting that afternoon.

"Hi," he leant over and placed a kiss to her cheek.

Stepping back to let him in she shot him a curious expression at the mysterious gleam in his eyes, "I wasn't expecting you this early," she stated the obvious with a cautious tone.

"I managed to get out of the debriefing with Portman," he explained.

"Any particular reason you did that?" she asked suspiciously, following him over to the kitchen.

"Well I knew you had this afternoon off," he said as he reached the breakfast bar, "and because I managed to get hold of tickets to that Opera you wanted to see."

"Le Nozze di Figaro?" Surprise and amazement slipped into her voice.

"Apparently being a member of Voyager's crew holds its advantages on Earth, especially if you're on good terms with her captain," he playfully swaggered.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, she'd known Chakotay to abuse his position as first officer on more than one occasion back on Voyager… it was of little surprise to her that he still was enjoying the perks.

"Anyway," he said, taking a seat on the bar stool, "my Tux is still in your wardrobe and as it won't take me too long to get ready, I suggest you get changed quickly as I've arranged the transport to arrive here in about an hour."

"Chakotay, it's one afternoon," she reminded him.

"Not in New York," he said with a smile.

"New York!" she exclaimed, a feeling a dread overcoming her.

"Of course," he frowned, "that's where you said you wanted to see the opera."

"Chakotay… I only mentioned it would be good to go there, I didn't really expect you to take me."

He chuckled, thinking that her fluster was entirely due to the short timing of his surprise. "Don't worry, you'll have enough time to get ready."

She sighed heavily, "it's not that, it's just I'm supposed to see the doctor this afternoon."

Some of the fun was sucked from the moment, "the doctor?" he repeated, "is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine," she reassured him in a clipped manner, "it's just a check-up."

"Well put it off," he suggested, "you always used to on Voyager."

Kathryn placed her hands on her hips in defiance of his suggestion, "I've already put it off," she dropped her hands, "I'm already a couple of months behind on my contraceptive booster, if I put it off any longer it'll wear off very shortly."

Chakotay's grin dropped at her words, he knew that the yearly boosters for men and women worked very differently, and that it could take as long as six months for a woman's body to return to normal after the booster was purposefully neutralised. The fact that she'd allowed it to run over its course meant that it was becoming less effective each day. "Why don't you just let it?" he said simply.

For a moment she thought he was joking, but she realised the solemn look in his eye before she had time to scoff him. "Are you serious?" she said carefully.

"Yes," he replied, but when saw she was about to make a protest he made a quick intercept before she could begin. "I know we haven't really spoken about this properly, and I know you're not sure if we're ready… but I just want you to take some time to think about this before you have your renewal. I'm still protected so we'll be fine in the meantime."

She considered his words (she knew that he deserved that much), and although she wanted desperately to make him happy in her heart she knew that it would do the opposite for her whilst she still wasn't sure what to do with herself now they were back on Earth. Then she saw the hopeful look on his face and she realised that it would be impossible to say no to him at that moment, they really needed time to talk it through properly, and now wasn't that time as she wanted to have made a decision before they began that conversation. She realised the only option for her was to put the talk off for a little longer until she was ready and could begin it on her own terms. "Fine, okay," she said, meaning she would cancel the appointment and think about it.

His face lit up instantly at her words, thinking she was grudgingly coming around to the idea of trying for a baby. "Really?" he sought confirmation from her, she nodded, "you're going to call the doctor?"

"I suppose I should," her eyes narrowed on him for a moment, "considering I have an opera attend this afternoon."

Chakotay's grin widened, and he pulled her to him and pressed his lips gently to hers. She didn't let the kiss linger though as she pulled back and made the excuse that she had to go get ready. He looked after the doorway long after she had disappeared through it, sitting in a stunned amazement of what he thought was her submission to start a family. In years to come they would still look back at that moment and wonder exactly why the misunderstanding had occurred, but for the time being they both remained blissfully unaware of the different designs they had for their future together and apart.

V

_Three months, two weeks_

The debriefings had come to a comfortable end some two weeks previously, and now Voyager's senior officers found themselves with three months of free time. They had spent seven years living on a nervous edge, never letting their guards down, rarely having an uninterrupted nights sleep, and shore leave was a luxury rarely indulged in. With so much time off to relax and recuperate, Kathryn had found herself at a loss with what to do with herself. Chakotay had been a welcome distraction for the first few days, but then he had left to go visit his home world and his sister, so Kathryn decided to go back to Indiana and stay with her mother.

At first the lack of work and distractions had been relieving, but after only a few days of doing nothing an unsettling feeling started to overcome her. At first she had put it down to the dramatic change to her day to day schedule, then she had thought it was maybe just missing Chakotay, but when she had broken down into tears one morning in the shower, she knew what it was. It had first come over her after the death of her first fiancé and father. She had felt the same way on Voyager several times on the journey when she had been left with nothing to do for too long. And it had been with her, building in the background now since she had made the decision to strand Voyager in the delta quadrant.

Her counsellor seemed to know before she did, and had apparently just been waiting for her to show some symptoms. She wished she could have had a little warning… but after seven years she had finally broken down. She could now understand why the admiral from the future had been the way she was, seven years of that kind of strain could easily change a person, she certainly knew that it had started to change her, but twenty three years out there… she didn't even want to think about what the admiral had been through.

Kathryn had been seeing her counsellor since their arrival back on Earth, and in that time the empath had done nothing but listen as she recalled the trivial details of each day. Occasionally the woman would ask her about Voyager, but Kathryn had always shrugged off the experience and was grateful when no further questions were put forward to her about it. Now that a depression she was unable to shake had taken hold, her counsellor started to push her to talk about how her command in the delta quadrant had made her 'feel'. She grudgingly spoke to Dr Neild (although with a half hearted attitude), and listened patiently to what she had to say, one comment in particular almost gave her cause to get up from her chair and walk out of the office.

"I can't help notice the timing of the onset of your symptoms," Neild was on the edge of a chair across from her, with her elbow propped up on the side of her desk and her chin rested in her palm.

Kathryn frowned, "how do you mean?"

"Do you think it's coincidence that you started to feel this way the moment he left?" she narrowed her eyes, although she could easily read the mind of a human, from her experience she had found that it was best to do a little guess work, as many of her patients found mind reading to be rude and invasive.

"I guess…" she said thoughtfully, "I think missing Chakotay might have triggered some underlying emotions that I've kept buried."

Neild considered her words, "that's not exactly what I meant," she went on cautiously, choosing each word carefully. "From what you've told me about yourself, I can tell you're drawn to men who you feel 'safe' with, perhaps who remind you of the security you felt with your father. Although that's not a bad thing, you have to think carefully about why you're with Chakotay _now_. Is it because you love him and you want to be with him, or is it because with him you can forget your guilt and anxieties and pretend that they don't exist?"

Kathryn found herself sitting bolt upright in her chair, "my relationship with Chakotay isn't something I'm willing to discuss with you in this room."

"Why is that?" the empath remained calm despite her patient's angry outburst, "in our sessions you've told me that you became involved with him after your return to Earth, but you seem reluctant to talk about any aspect of your relationship with him now and during your time on Voyager."

"Because it's none of your business," she restrained herself from walking out right then and there, knowing that if she did, it would go down on her record and she would be forced to sit through even more of these sessions.

"How long have the two of you really been involved?"

"Three months."

"I can tell when you're hiding something Kathryn," Neild said simply, "even if you can control your thoughts, you can't control your emotions as well as you'd like to think you can."

Kathryn glared across at the other woman, who must have been at least twenty years older than her. She considered her options, and realised that she had very few, so with great reluctance she gave in. "Five years ago," she said at last, "we were stranded on a planet-"

"The one you both named New Earth," Neild uncharacteristically interrupted, "I remember reading about that in your file. Did you become intimate whilst alone on that planet?"

"Yes," Kathryn sighed and sat back in her chair, "it took me a while to accept our fate on that planet, but when I finally did, I found Chakotay there and waiting for me to also accept our feelings for one another. We tried for a while to make it work back on Voyager… but it was never the same, and eventually it came to an end."

"Was that his doing or your own?"

"Mine," Kathryn hated to think back to that time, to see the hurt on his face as she crushed his heart and spent the next few years pretending as if it had never happened.

"And your relationship now, was that his idea; to 'pick up where you had left off' so to speak?" Neild felt she was pushing it a little, but the other woman seemed more willing than usual to broach the topic.

"I guess his…" she said slowly, her mind back in the moment he had tried to convince her to make it work again.

Neild waited a moment before she spoke her mind, "you have another few days before Chakotay comes back from Trebus, if you can open up to him and find a way to deal with your emotions whilst maintaining your relationship with him, then that's great. I'm just worried that the moment he's back you're going to slip behind him to shield yourself from all these changes, instead of embracing them like you should be doing."

Kathryn nodded, taking the words in, but with so many other thoughts running through her mind, she wouldn't process that comment until a long time later.

_To be continued._


	5. Chapter 5

This chapter completes the loop and leads back to the first chapter and so ending the first part of this story. I considered separating the parts into different stories, but it would make it too complicated, so part 2: Better With You, will up here in a few days.

_Chapter five: Like I Do_

_Four months, two weeks_

Whilst Chakotay had been away on Trebus Kathryn had told herself that the only reason she hadn't told him about her depressive state was because she didn't want to ruin his time away by worrying him. Besides, between the short and sparse sub-space communications that they shared she didn't really have the opportunity to talk with him properly.

Neild's words about opening up to him had been ringing in her head for the many days after that, and she had honestly thought that on his return she would tell him everything. The moment he had stepped off the platform in San Francisco's transport station though, her mood lifted and in the jubilation of seeing him again after two weeks the thought of the conversation she had been planning never crossed her mind. It didn't for the next few days in fact. By the time she remembered, she no longer felt she needed to talk with him, his return had brought with him a sense of peace and purpose for her, and the guilt and sadness and exhaustion she had previously been trapped under seemed to vanish as if it had never been there.

It took her a while to realise that despite the warning, she was using him to hide from her own emotions. She knew why she did it, she didn't need an empath to explain. In the delta quadrant she had drawn on Chakotay's strength to protect herself from the anxieties of command, and now on her return when she should have been letting go and embracing all that she had denied herself, she felt unable to give him up, worried of what she would become if she did.

In the end she decided against telling him. She would find a way to deal with herself without involving him. If Neild was right and she had become dependant on him, then she would just have to become less dependant and more of his equal. Kathryn really thought it could work.

They sat on the balcony overlooking lake George with a delicious meal that Chakotay had spent that afternoon preparing. They had decided to spend the weekend together during their communications to Trebus, but Chakotay hadn't told her where he planned on taking her. He liked to surprise her, and she liked to be surprised, and when he had turned up to her apartment that morning telling her where they were going, as usual she found herself amazed at how he always knew exactly what she would like before even _she_ knew it.

The next day they would go sailing, just as they had planned to do all those years ago on Voyager, but for the meantime neither of them wanted to do anything more than relax in one another's company.

"So do you think you'll stay in San Francisco?" he asked her from across the small table.

Kathryn was mid sip of wine, "probably," she said, placing the glass back down on the table, "I've been offered a few research positions, there's the possibility of doing some teaching, but I'm not sure if you remember Caleb Enfield?..."

Chakotay thought for a moment, "the diplomat from Romulus?"

She nodded, "there's talk of him being made ambassador and he's asked that if he gets the position that I become part of his team to head the Starfleet liaison committee."

"With Romulus?" he didn't look quite so convinced that the offer was as good as she seemed to think it was. "The Romulans are looking to cause trouble Kathryn, if you get caught up in the middle of that… you could find yourself in the same position your father was in with the Cardassians."

Her eyes focussed on him for a moment as she considered if he was being critical of either her or her father, she decided he wasn't, and so forced herself to relax. "There are a lot of ifs and buts to that offer even being officially made," she decided to bring this line of conversation to an end.

"But if they made you the offer, would you take it?" he pressed.

"I would consider it," she said honestly, then reached across and took his hand, offering him a reassuring smile, "but we would make that decision together."

Her words seemed to work, and he returned the smile, "well I guess in the meantime we'll both be in San Francisco."

Kathryn nodded, "but I'm sure you'll be offered a space assignment soon; you're not bound to the ground like an admiral."

He grinned, "no I'm not," he said, knowing how much the thought of a desk job was irritating her. "I'll still need a base back here though…"

"In that case you might as well find somewhere-"

"Kathryn," he cut her short, and she shot him a confused expression as she got the distinct impression she was saying something wrong. "I wondered if you would consider us finding a house together," he said at last, having given up on waiting for her to guess what he was getting at.

She was thrown back by his suggestion; they had both been living in apartments assigned to them by Starfleet since their return, and although they had both been talking about finding other more permanent places to live, this was the first time the idea of them finding somewhere together had been put out there. "This is a little out of the blue," she said, stunned.

He shrugged his shoulders, "maybe for you," he confessed, "but whilst I was away on Trebus and even before then, I've had time to think, about us, and about what I want from my future…" as he spoke he suddenly started to feel nervous, he had only fully exposed himself to her on a couple of occasions, the first was on new Earth and had begun what would be their life long friendship, the second had been a few months later back on Voyager when she had wanted to end their relationship, and despite him laying all his card out, she had still rejected him. "I've always known that I wanted you in my life," he went on, "I've known that since we first met over seven years ago, but now I also know how I want you to be a part of my life."

Kathryn didn't really realise what he was doing until he had moved off from the chair and onto one knee before her on the wooden slats of the balcony. She saw him reach into his pocket and knew instantly what he would retrieve before she saw the small velvet black box. She sat in shocked silence as he looked up at her, "I'm not sure what paths we'll follow in the future, all I know is that I want us to walk them together with you as my wife."

He opened the box to reveal a beautiful engagement ring studded with diamonds which glittered in the soft candle light. Her mind raced with so many different thoughts and emotions for a long time she didn't know what to think or feel. She had known he'd been thinking about marriage, but had assumed he meant maybe a year or two into the future, a proposal right now completely threw her and she was unsure how to respond. Her eyes moved from the ring to his face and inwardly she cringed at the hopeful look on his face, "Chakotay, I can't," the words were out her mouth before she even realised why she was saying them.

The smile that had been playing on his lips fell and he looked instantly confused; in his own mind he had thought this moment through many times, and that had never been her answer. Kathryn desperately searched her mind for why she had uttered that particular response, "at least not yet," she added quickly. She looked away, ignoring the voice at the back of her head screaming at her for doing this to him all over again, the last thing she wanted to do was break his heart. "This is all happening so fast," she admitted, hoping that through speaking her mind she would be able to explain to both of them what she was doing. "I can't marry you when there are so many uncertainties and changes in both our lives."

"Kathryn, I'm offering you one certainty, and everything else we can face together," he almost felt as if he was pleading.

Instantly she knew what was wrong: her counsellor was right, she was using him as a shield and as long as she was with him she would continue to do so which would only elongate her recovery and transition back to a normal life. She couldn't marry him because in doing so, she was binding herself to him, at least now, she had the option of putting their relationship on hold if she felt it was the right thing to do, there would be no coming back from a marriage, either way. "Chakotay, I love you…"

It wasn't enough, he snapped shut the box and raised himself back onto two feet, purposefully avoiding eye contact with her as he walked over to the balcony's edge and placed his hands on the barrier as he looked out into the darkness across the lake. She waited a moment before she went over to him, and when she did, she kept a short distance between them as she now felt unable to predict any of his next moves.

"I'm sorry Chakotay," cautiously she reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, "please don't be upset."

"Then how am I supposed to feel?" he turned to her, his eyes ablaze with restrained anger and disappointment, "you keep pulling back from me, and I don't want to keep pushing you if this isn't what you want."

"You are what I want," she insisted, "I just want us both to be more settled in our lives before we make that kind of commitment."

Chakotay frowned, "and a baby wouldn't be commitment?"

Kathryn was thrown by his comment a moment, they hadn't spoke about it for a while, and she'd thought they'd put it behind them for the time being. "Of course it would be…"

"So you're willing to start a family with me, but you won't marry me?"

"A family?" now she was just as confused as he looked, "I said I'd think about it, for some time in the future, definitely not now, that's the last thing I need at the moment."

Chakotay watched her carefully, "you said you wanted to try for a baby."

"Why would I say that?" she came close to demanding, "I know I said I'd think about it."

His eyes rested on her for a long time, and she wanted desperately to know what was running through his mind, but he now wore a mask she was unable to see behind. "When will you be ready?" he asked steadily.

Kathryn remembered Mark asking her a similar question once, and like then she felt almost afraid to answer. "For what?" she asked.

"For everything," he sounded exasperated, "for marriage, for a home, for a family… how long do I have to wait for you to accept me completely into your heart?"

"You are…" she started to protest.

"No I'm not," he said harshly, "you keep me at a distance. What are you afraid of? I'm _not_ going anywhere!"

She took a step back from him, dropping her arm as she did so. "I know," she said with a sigh, "and you're right, I am keeping you at a distance, but I've spent the past five years trying to ignore my feelings for you, I need more than a few months to change that."

Her words stilled him and caused his anger to fall away from him as he remembered all she had been through during her command of Voyager, making him feel guilty that he hadn't protected her more from those pressures. "Okay," his voice was now calm and understanding, "I can give you time, if that's really all you need, but if you're holding back because you're not sure of your feelings for me…"

"Chakotay, my love for your is the one thing that's certain in my mind right now," she promised.

He nodded with acceptance, but said nothing.

Kathryn could see he was still disappointed at her rejection of his proposal and her mind raced at how to appease him. "Perhaps we could find a house together in the meantime though," she decided to meet him halfway. Although a part of her protested at the compromise she was about to make, she reasoned with herself that he would soon take a space assignment and in their time apart she could work on her jumbled emotions.

His eyes darted back to her as he tried to work out the authenticity of her suggestion, "you're saying you want us to live together?"

"If you still want to?" she felt inexplicably apprehensive that he might say no, after all it wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

"Of course I still want to," a smile suddenly enveloped his face, "if you're sure that's what _you_ want?"

She nodded, "it is," she said simply.

Before she knew what had happened he had closed the short distance between them and had taken her in his arms. He pressed his lips to hers in a gentle kiss, then pulled back to check that she was serious, she looked at him reassuringly and the second time he kissed her it was with the promise of all they had yet to share in their future together.

V

_Five months_

As Chakotay walked through the back streets with Kathryn's hand placed in his he felt inexplicably normal as she pulled him into yet another furniture shop. They were shopping to furnish their new house a short walk from the San Francisco's centre in a 'private Starfleet village' reserved for only the highest ranking Starfleet officials, of which Kathryn was now classed. They had spent the past three hours walking the streets, diving into one shop or another, stopping only for a quick coffee before he found himself back on his feet. Kathryn was tireless.

"I don't know," Kathryn said as they stood in front of two very stylish couches, "the leather or the suede?"

He wasn't sure why she was still asking for his opinions, they were rarely worth anything to her or taken on board for the final decision. "They both look the same to me," he shrugged his shoulders.

"Well they're not the same," she scolded him.

"Well the suede will stain easily if you spill coffee," he decided on a practical approach, "and the leather will make it difficult to have sex on."

Kathryn took a quick look around to make sure no one had overhead him, and was disappointed to see an old lady standing near by looking aghast at her boyfriend's lack of discretion. She glared up at him, "we'll have the leather then," she said angrily.

Chakotay grinned but smothered a chuckle, watching after her as she walked off to get the help of a sales assistant. He saw the same woman who had overheard them and smiled carefully, "for the coffee," he explained before following after Kathryn.

Like everything else they had chosen that day, they asked that it be delivered to the house the following week before leaving the shop in search of other things on their itinerary.

"Have you considered taking the position of first officer on the Orion?" she asked as they stepped out of yet another shop at the end of a fruitless search.

"I was kind of hoping they would give me my own vessel," he said honestly, "and besides, I'm not even sure that I want to stay in Starfleet."

She didn't have to remind him that Starfleet was probably wanting to test him before they handed over command of an entire ship to him, and the offer she had played a hand in being put forward to him was aboard one of the leading and best equipped tactical vessels. They both knew it was as good an offer as he was going to get in the meantime, considering his history in the Maquis, but the question as to whether or not Starfleet was still for him was a completely different issue. "The assignment is only for three or four months," she reminded him, "it would be a good opportunity to help you decide what you want to do next."

"I know," he shrugged, "but it will also mean several months apart for us… are we ready for that yet?"

Kathryn slipped her arm though his with a chuckle, "I think we'll manage." Chakotay didn't look quite so convinced, so she added, "I should be able to come and visit you though, you won't be leaving federation space straight away, I'm sure I could swing by and come to see you."

He smiled, "that would be good," he said, then added, "if I take the assignment."

She didn't understand his reluctance to take the command position, it was no more or less responsibility than Voyager had been. Under the close watch of captain Johansson, (a very well respected Starfleet officer) a good recommendation would offer him a great boost to his career. If she was honest, she was also looking forward to their time apart, as it would mean time for her to deal with everything she had put behind her without him in the way, but for that reason she didn't want to be selfish and push him into something that he really didn't want to do.

"It's up to you," she said lightly.

Chakotay didn't understand his true reluctance to leave her for so long, but knew that it had something to do with worrying about if she would cope in his absence, at least if he was close by he could get to her quickly if she needed him. Before he could say anything further she spotted another place she wanted them to go, and he sighed inwardly as she dragged in along. They didn't talk about the offered assignment for another few days after that, and when they did, he came to the decision to accept it.

V

_Five months, three weeks_

Kathryn hated to visit the doctor, especially when she was really sick. When she went for a check-up he would always scold her for her excessive caffeine intake, her undisciplined eating habits and lack of adequate sleep. Even now she was back on Earth she hadn't improved as much as the EMH would have liked, and he made a point of reminding her that she no longer had any excuses whenever she saw him. When she was ill he was even worse; 'I told you so' was a phrase he didn't even have to say, as it was etched into his face as he scanned and tested her, diagnosed and finally treated her. This time was no different, at least not at first.

When she had entered his office in Starfleet medical and he had realised she wasn't just dropping in to say 'hi' he had shot her a grim expression and emphasised a sigh. He had made a reprimanding remark as she'd sat on the edge of a bio-bed, and pulled the 'I told you so expression' before he'd even lifted the medical triquarder from the side. He hummed quietly to himself as he started to pass the scanning device over her body, in his mind he already had a diagnosis: stress, so he thought he was testing simply to see what element of her physic she had exerted this time.

Suddenly the humming stopped and Kathryn looked across to see that so too had his annoying superiority expression was now replaced by a frown. "What?" she asked, realising that something other than the usual was wrong.

The EMH checked the readings to make certain, then his frown faded to be replaced by a smile, "you're pregnant," he announced, "congratulations."

She looked at him in disbelief, "I can't be…" for some reason she thought protesting could make him change his diagnosis.

He twisted round the read-out on the main screen by the bed in order for her to see for herself but she didn't understand enough of the terms to see that he was telling the truth. "You are," he confirmed, "I'd say about six weeks."

The doctor noticed she didn't seem as thrilled by the news as he had been expecting, "is everything okay?"

"Yes," she replied automatically then corrected herself, "no… this is the last thing I expected to find out when I came here this morning."

"I'd thought you'd be looking out for the signs of pregnancy," he said slowly, getting the distinct impression that he knew something she didn't.

"Why would I be doing that?"

"Because when Chakotay had his booster neutralised several months ago, he said you were trying for a baby," as he spoke he realised he was telling her something completely new and it occurred to him that Chakotay had acted without her knowledge.

An anger flared up inside Kathryn that she hadn't been aware was smouldering and suddenly she felt betrayed that he had gone ahead with his plan to start a family without consulting her. "And you didn't think to check with me before you let him do it?" she retrained her full fury as it was Chakotay she knew she should really be angry with.

"I just assumed you'd both decided…" he trailed off as she jumped up from the bio-bed, "where are you going?"

"Thank you doctor, you've been very helpful," she said sarcastically as she stormed out of the room.

As he watched her go he considered calling Chakotay to warn him, but he stopped himself for two reasons, the first was that his ethical sub-routines reminded him of the doctor-patient confidentially clause. The only reason he didn't over-ride his programming was that it was none of his business, and he had learnt from vast experience that meddling rarely helped a situation.

-

Kathryn paced the kitchen in her family home in Indiana as her mother sat at the table with a fresh brew of coffee. Her nose upturned at the smell of the pungent liquid, but she tolerated it out of a loving fondness.

"Calm down Kathryn," Gretchen insisted.

She spun round to glare at her mother thinking that the woman hadn't listened to a word she'd said since her arrival over an hour previously. "How the hell am I supposed to be calm?" she spouted, "I'm pregnant!"

Her mother succeeded in suppressing a grin, although she was happy with the news of another grandchild, she knew her daughter was less than pleased at that moment. "Maybe you should stop being angry at Chakotay for a minute and think about the fact the two of you are going to have a baby."

"Mum, you don't understand," she insisted.

"What don't I understand?" Gretchen asked patiently, "you and Chakotay love each other, you're living together, and this is just a little sooner than you wanted honey, it's not the end of the world."

"I didn't want this!" she burst out, stopping her pacing for a second.

"Kathryn, you've never been the most homely of types, but you've always wanted to eventually have a family. I know the deaths of your father and Justin may have made you think otherwise for a time, but you were ready for a long while before Voyager."

"Before Voyager," she repeated, quietly and almost to herself, "you have no idea what it was like out there…"

"I know the delta quadrant was tough, but the stories of your adventures out there…"

"They're stories mum," she rested her back against the work surface, "we've sugar coated them and cut out all the bad bits. The truth is that after a while out there I started to become someone else, I became reckless, depressive, heartless and so many other things I never wanted to see in myself. People think that I was fearless, but I shut out the part of me that was scared until I became the leader they needed…" She shook her head dismissively, "there were days out there where I no longer recognised myself.

"Did you ever hear the story about when I confined myself to my quarters for a month? Or when I left an officer to be tortured by alien beings so that he would give up access codes? I bargained with the Borg, I broke the prime directive, made deals with questionable cultures and sometimes I felt like I was selling my sole whilst I did it, but I went ahead anyway because I knew I needed to."

"Oh Kathryn," her mother watched her sadly, "I had no idea."

"This is why I can't have a child," she said her heart crushing as she realised the truth of her own words, "I still haven't found myself, so how am I supposed to show someone else who to be?"

Gretchen was silent a moment as she considered what her daughter was saying, "what are you going to do?"

"What can I do?" she shrugged helplessly, "I didn't even want to begin a relationship with Chakotay so soon, but I did because I was afraid I would lose him otherwise. On Voyager he was the only person who could get through to me sometimes, who could remind me of who I really was… stopped me going from too far. I'm so scared what I would be without him, but I know I have to find out, and being intimate with him is holding me back. Now I'm trapped, and the worse thing is that I think this is exactly what he wanted."

"I don't think he intended to trap you Kathryn," she didn't know the man as well as her daughter, but she could see when a man was in love, and her daughter's former first officer was head over heals for her. "Have you mentioned any of this to Chakotay?"

"And say what?" she asked desperately, "sorry, although I love you I don't want to be with you…"

"You could try telling him that you need some time apart from him," she suggested helpfully.

Kathryn shook her head at the idea, "I've already turned down his marriage proposal, I think he would take that as the last straw… he wants it all or nothing."

"Well he'll have to take what you can give Kathryn now that you're going to have a baby together," she pointed out.

"You don't know him mum… you don't know what I've put him through, I'm worried that if I push him back any further he's going to walk out of my life for good without a backwards glance."

"Would he walk out on his child?"

Kathryn considered the question as her mind went back to when he had thought Seska's child was his. Despite his poor history with Seska he had still be willing to risk everything to go after her son. It was then she knew that although he might never want to have anything to do with her again if she suggested they take some time apart, he would still want to be part of their child's upbringing. "No, he wouldn't," she said confidently.

"Whatever choice you make, it's got to be right for you," her mother said, making it sound so simple, "and everything else will work itself out eventually."

"And if I leave Chakotay, do you think he would ever forgive me?" she wanted desperately to be given a definitive answer.

"You know him better than I do," she said instead, much to Kathryn's further despair.

Feeling a little calmer than when she had arrived at her mother's home, Kathryn left with a more focussed train of thought. She knew her relationship as it was with Chakotay wasn't working for her, but now she had to decide if she wanted to amend the technicalities of that relationship, to work through it, or to put an end to it before the birth of their child complicated things further. All she knew for certain is that whereas before she thought she had time to work through her issues, now a time limit of another seven months had been put on her.

V

_End of part 1, what did you think?_


	6. Chapter 6

_Part 2_

**Better With You**

_Chapter 6: Moments  
_

_Two years, one month_

Having just finished presenting her latest paper as guest speaker for the Quantum Particle Physics conference at deep space 4, (a popular station for intellectual conferences due to it idyllic position as an equidistance from Earth, Vulcan and Bejor) Kathryn was collecting together her notes whilst the room cleared. As expected she found herself surrounded by a group of three or four people asking her questions on the paper, and having placed the last padd in her case she took the time to answer their queries as best she could.

It was the second day of the conference, but this was the only day she had been scheduled to do any form of presenting, however the rest of the time she had left was far from a holiday. Most nights of the week long conference she was expected to attend one party or another, and her days were taken up with making contacts for Starfleet and head hunting potential researchers for the new transwarp development team being put together, of which B'Elanna Torres was already set to head up.

Finally the group around her dispersed and she found herself with some breathing room and an hour break before the start of next lecture she wanted to attend. It was only as she started to move down the steps from the podium that she noticed him. He was sat towards the back of the theatre lounging casually in his seat, with one arm stretched out across the back of another.

He watched as she approached, and as she came closer he stood and she took in the full extent of his changed appearance. His hair was much longer than the last time she had seen him, and although brushed back it still parted and fell across his forehead. He was dressed casually in fitted jeans and a white shirt with the top three buttons purposefully undone, holding a black jacket over his shoulder with his index finger. Despite the extra few lines and the three day old stubble on his face, he looked younger and fresher than he had on their return to the alpha quadrant. He stepped out into the aisle and smiled warily when she stopped a few feet from him, "hey," he greeted her.

Recovering from the shock of seeing him after so long she finally found her voice, "hi… it's good to see you again," she said politely.

"And you," he said, taking the time to get a better look at her now she was only feet in front of him. She had grown her hair in the year since he had seen her last and had pulled it back into a French twist. She seemed to have acquired a healthy amount of weight, and there was a colour in her cheeks that he hadn't seen since he had first met her in the delta quadrant over nine years previously. "You look… great," he said, giving her a cautious smile.

"If that's a nice way of saying I look stressed, tired, over-worked and under-appreciated then thank you," she joked mildly in an effort to lighten the tense mood.

Chakotay forced himself to relax, "no, seriously, you look wonderful."

"Well," her lip quirked up, "you don't look too bad yourself."

He nodded, but didn't say anything, allowing a passive silence to fall between them as they slipped into their private thoughts. He had known she would be at this conference, and for that reason he had been reluctant to attend, but when the director of studies had given him little choice, he had made the decision that he would make the effort to meet with his former captain, but now he had he was uncertain how to proceed. "Are you free for lunch?"

Kathryn considered his invitation briefly, although she was pleasantly surprised to see him, she knew that having lunch with him would probably be awkward and for that reason her mind went over possible excuses that she could give to avoid him. At the same time however, she was curious as to what he had been up to over the year since she had spoken with him last, and for that reason she accepted his offer. "I have an hour before the next conference," she admitted.

When he realised that she hadn't turned him down he felt instantly relieved, knowing that she had every reason to never want to speak with him ever again after their last confrontation and everything he had said to her. "There's a good salsa bar just off the main promenade if you'd care to join me?"

She smiled, "sounds good."

Chakotay felt nervous as they walked together towards the bar, they hadn't spoken for almost an entire year, and although he heard about her from their former crew and the news vids, he had no idea how she had come to feel about him in that time apart.

"I didn't know you were here at this conference," she broke the silence as they walked out onto the station's promenade.

"I got here earlier this morning," he confessed.

"How long are you staying for?"

"Until Saturday. Yourself?"

"I leave on Thursday."

"Oh." He said, and again a silence enveloped them both.

On entering the bar they were seated by a waiter and their drinks orders were taken right away. As they were left alone at their table Chakotay came to the conclusion that people were staring at them, further confirmed when he saw one customer nudge another and point indiscreetly in their direction.

"You don't have to look so nervous," Kathryn reassured him shooting him a soft smile.

He met her gaze and allowed her a small grin at having been caught out, "I get the feeling people are looking at us," he tried to explain away all of his nerves.

She raised an eyebrow, "I think they are."

Chakotay didn't feel at all put as ease by her reaffirmation of his paranoia, "I don't know what they expect to see."

"They're probably just curious," she explained, "the two of us haven't been seen together for a while, and with all the rumours going around, it's not really surprising that us eating lunch together might draw a little attention."

He tried to shrug if off, "I guess…"

"So how have you been?" She asked in an effort to distract him.

Despite himself he allowed her to distract him, and it wasn't long before they had fallen into comfortable conversation. He wasn't at all surprised at how easily they were both able to slip back into their old routine of easy talk, friendly banter and even subtle flirtation, after all, they had pulled it off with great skill for seven years aboard Voyager. Somehow the two of them had become expert at covering over the cracks, ignoring the many unresolved issues between them and pushing aside their own feelings in order to maintain a polite and professional relationship.

As he sat and spoke with her he was almost able to forget everything that they had done to one another over the years. Her radiant smile, quick wit and easy laugh reminded him of the women he had first met in the delta quadrant, and although he was glad to see that woman had returned, he knew that it betrayed her true feelings of seeing him there. He was certain that she was just as determined to avoid the topic as he was; he didn't ask, and she didn't mention it, and for that he was grateful. But that didn't lessen his guilt, he knew she was only doing it for his benefit, he wasn't ready to listen let alone talk about it, so out of whatever affection towards him she still felt she let him off.

They talked about their former crew, about his research and her work in Starfleet, anyone over hearing their conversation would have thought they were nothing but old friends catching up with one another's lives. But anyone in the near vicinity would have also felt the electricity that sparked between them, the tension of unsettled emotion, the silent words that passed between them by gestures and looks, the longing for each other held in eyes as their gazes met, and an attraction that had been denied and unexplored for too long. Chakotay recognised it straight away but felt at a loss for how to deal with it, Kathryn however pushed aside the feelings towards him that his close proximity evoked and tried to ignore it. They were still in love.

Mid-sentence Chakotay noticed she had suddenly become distracted and stopped to question what was wrong.

"I think we've lost track of time, I was supposed to be at a lecture fifteen minutes ago," she explained.

Unable to hide his disappointment he reached for the napkin on his lap and placed it carefully on the table, "I'm sorry. Do you think you'll be able to slip in quietly at the back?"

"I hope so," she shot him a disarming smile, "I should probably head there now."

He stood as she did, "hopefully I'll see you later."

She looked uncertain, "hopefully."

"Are you free tonight?" he asked, hoping that his desperation to see her again didn't rise into his voice, "I could cook you dinner in my suite."

"Actually, tonight I'm supposed to attend a banquet in the central hall."

"Tomorrow night?"

It was only then that he recognised the look that she was giving him, a pleading look to back off and let her be. She had only had lunch with him out of courtesy; he was deluding himself to think that she would be able to forget their past and spend time with him as if nothing had happened. "Chakotay, this is difficult enough," she lowered her voice determined that no one would over-hear this part of their conversation, "if we pursue this one of two things are going to happen and either way will only make it harder on us both."

He swallowed hard, only now able to consider his real motives for wanting to see her again; he wanted her. He wanted to reignite that passion they had discovered on new earth and failed to rekindle on their return to the alpha quadrant, a passion he again felt smouldering between them. Chakotay knew she felt it too, but unlike him she was able to keep such feelings in much better check, and had most probably thought further into the future to a point where it would only end up hurting them both more than they did already. "I know," he said quietly.

"It was nice to see you again though," she said softly, in an effort get back to the place where they had been before; their comfort zone where they could both ignore everything that had happened and act as if they had never been anything more than captain and first officer and good friends.

"Thank you for taking the time to have lunch with me," he said, feeling suddenly awkward.

And then she left. Placing a hand gently on his shoulder as she passed him, but with no second look back as she walked away.

V

_Over a year earlier_

"Were you even going to say goodbye."

Chakotay was standing with his back to the door as he packed the contents of his office into boxes. He stilled immediately on hearing her voice, and placed the paper weight he was holding back onto the shiny black surface of his desk. He hesitated, determined to regain his composure and to prepare himself for seeing her again after so long. He turned. Kathryn was stood in his doorway, one hand resting on the door frame, the other on her hip. Her swollen abdomen was obvious through her uniform, but there was a look of disappointment in her eyes which was unbecoming of a mother to be.

She waited. Over the four months he had been away on the Orion she had persistently tried to call him, had sent him letters when he never answered the comm, and kept up to date with him through friends when he had refused to write back to her. She had waited four months to hear from him and this time was adamant that he would speak to her.

"To be honest, no," he said simply.

They studied each other a long moment. "Was I really so cruel to you that you can never see me again?"

Chakotay looked away, not wanting to watch the hurt and guilt that passed through her eyes at the thought it was her own doing that had caused him to leave her life. He shook his head, "no, but to see you is to remind me of what we had and everything that the delta quadrant took away from us."

"Well I'm going to have two reminders for our mistake," she quietly interrupted.

His eyes widened, and she realised that he obviously had no idea. "Twins?"

Ignoring his question she went on, "when I said I wanted you to be involved I wasn't lying, but if you chose to walk away I'm not going to try and convince you to stay, but just remember this is your decision not mine."

"I know," the muscles in his face flexed involuntarily with the tension required to maintain his mask of indifference. "Maybe in a few years they can know me…"

"That's very noble of you Chakotay," she cut him off.

"Kathryn, don't think that I haven't thought long and hard about this," he replied angrily, "I've had the past four months to think things through and re-evaluate my life. I can't be a father to this child… children, when my life is such a mess and looking at their mother does nothing but remind me of all the pain we've caused each other." He ran a hand through his hair, "maybe you don't see this now, but I'm doing the right thing… these children don't need to be brought up by two feuding parents."

"You're doing the right thing by no one but yourself," her voice had lowered to the dangerous level he recognised and knew better than to test.

"I'm sorry you see it that way," he said quietly.

Clenching her jaw muscles she wandered if it would do any good to walk over to him right then and slap some sense into him. "The way I see it is that you're just trying to punish me for ending our relationship and refusing to pursue one aboard Voyager."

"Oh no, the lack of a romantic entanglement in the delta quadrant was by far made up for by our late night fu-"

"You never said no though did you?"

"I didn't have a choice!" he reminded her, "I was so in love with you I would have died to spare you a frown! I convinced myself that to make love to you and then lie in your bed to watch you sleep was half way to you actually loving me back."

His words stunned her and quelled the anger that had been building towards him, he had said that he _was_ in love with her. Did that mean he no longer did? "You weren't wrong," she said quietly, "there were moments then that I could let myself love you in the way you wanted."

"Moments," he harshly repeated as if he had made his point, "that doesn't excuse how you used me."

"We used each other," she pointed out.

He didn't reply, instead he shrugged his shoulders and turned his back on her, preferring to concentrate his attention on the half filled box on his desk.

"I'm due in three months Chakotay," her voice was soft after having taken some time to regain her composure, "I want you there from the beginning."

He wasn't sure if he was doing this because of the reasons he gave, or because of what she suspected: that he resented her too much. Perhaps it was a little of both. All he did know was that to see her now caused him a pain deep enough to break him, and that was a real enough reason to put as much distance as possible between himself and her.

Chakotay felt her eyes on him for a long while as she remained standing in the door way, but he resisted the urge to turn back, for fear that if she saw him now she would realise how much he still cared, and how much it was hurting him to walk away. "No one wins from you running away," he recognised the warning in her voice, and waited patiently for her to continue.

A long moment passed, too long in fact, and sensing a change to the scene he turned to see why she hadn't gone on. He didn't know what he felt at seeing that she had left, all he knew was that it wasn't relief.

-

_To be continued_


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7: Fuel to the Fire_

Relaxing on the couch in his suite on deep space four Chakotay stared blankly at the screen in front of him, not entirely sure why he was torturing himself. Seeing Kathryn again after almost a year had evoked feelings in him that he still wasn't sure how to interpret. She had changed in their time apart. She was relaxed, radiant, even more charismatic, but she had always been those things it's just now he saw them shine through better than ever before, but that wasn't the change that had surprised him the most. It took him a long time to put his finger on it, but after some deep contemplation he realised that it was the first time he had seen her truly happy. From the very beginning of the their journey together in the delta quadrant she had been consumed by a worry and guilt that had only deepened over the years, now, nearing two years since their return he saw that those worry lines had disappeared and she had somehow dealt with the guilt, putting it behind her and allowing her to move on.

From the news vids he had seen her transform from the heroic captain to Starfleet's golden girl. He knew that she had been working with diplomats on the Romulan dilemma, had become a Borg consultant along with Seven of Nine, and was heading up research on the transwarp technology. He had also been made aware of several of her… acquaintances; Luis Guild, Earth's defence minister, Admiral Kevin DeCruz chairman of the Alpha zero committee and more recently Caleb Enfield, Romulus's prime ambassador. Although he wouldn't call him self jealous of those men, he did find himself cautious in regards to them, unsure if Kathryn was using them, or taking them to fill a void in her life, either way he knew wasn't good for her.

Again his thoughts drifted back to their brief lunch, and to her blowing him off after. He knew she wasn't being rude, and although wasn't hurt by her rejection to join him for dinner, he was confused as to why he had asked her. They both knew full well his intentions for wanting her alone, it was pointless to deny it, but Chakotay was unsure of his own motivations. He still loved her, he knew that much, but he had been in love with her for well over seven years now and had successfully held those feelings in firm control all that time, so he knew that couldn't be the reason. Kathryn had been a constant thought on his mind since they had broken up, at first he had remembered her with a bitterness, and then an indifference and more recently a distant fondness, but he didn't pine over her… he no longer wasted time on contemplating what could have been, so he struggled to understand why seeing her again now had rekindled those feelings.

Tilting his head back he stared up at the ceiling, slowly blowing out all of the breath from his body hoping that with his breath he could also expel this new complication.

The entry tone went at his door and he jumped a little at the unexpectedness of the noise. He glanced at the clock in the corner of his computer screen to see that it was nearing midnight and wondered wildly as to who would want to disturb him at such a late hour. Pulling down the screen and getting up from the couch he made his way to the door, the back of his mind wondering to the possibility of Kathryn being his late night visitor.

She saw him, hair dishevelled and eyes sleepy but not rested and she knew instantly that he was having the same trouble sleeping as her. He said her name, not with complete surprise, but more with confusion, she suspected mostly due to the way in which she had rejected his company earlier that day. Although not entirely sure why she had decided to track him down and come see him, she did know it was probably unwise that she been seen outside his suite in the middle of the night and so without waiting for an invitation she made her way inside.

"Why are you here Kathryn?" he asked after her, remaining rooted where he stood as she took a few steps into his room as the doors closed behind her.

"I'm not sure," she said honestly as she stopped only a few feet away and turned to face him.

Their gazes met allowing a silent conversation that neither of them could fully interpret, but at the same time their confusion was replaced with a clarity. "You know this is a bad idea," he warned her.

She raised an eyebrow, "when has it _ever_ been a good idea?"

He considered her words and realised she was right, there had never been a right moment, and he doubted there ever would be. In the time it took for him to consider what to do with her she had closed the gap between them. She placed a hand on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze, her eyes searching his for any reason not to continue; he didn't give her any and so she reached a hand to place behind his neck and putting herself up on tiptoes to place a kiss to his lips.

In all the years he had known Kathryn, she had rarely kissed him like this. It was without need or provocation, without guilt or desperation, it was with desire and affection and clearly expressed her love for him. He remembered how it had been on new Earth, how relaxed and easy it had been between them, and for the first time since they had left that planet, he realised it could be that way again. Wrapping his arms around her he deepened the kiss, wondering how he could have ever been without her all this time.

Somehow they made it to his bed, their love making erasing all rational thoughts of the complexities and anxieties they would face the following morning. As Chakotay lay beside her later that night, his eyes heavy with sleep and her body snug against his, he started to doubt that there would be any regrets and apologies for what they had done. She had come to him that night, not out of loneliness, or wanting anything from him, but out of the same compulsion for them to be together that he felt. There had been no declarations of love or promises for the future as they both accepted that this wasn't about that, it was about the present and of allowing themselves to finally embrace the magnetism they had to one another.

It was as Chakotay was on the verge of sleep that he realised what had brought them together that night, as somehow, with time and distance between them they had managed to rediscover the fire and passion they had found and buried on new Earth, now his only worry was if tonight would quell that burning or merely add fuel to it.

-

The time had slipped past them both so quickly that they didn't realise it was Thursday morning until it had arrived. After that night together Chakotay had worried that she would retreat away from him, but she had kissed him and grinned and had coffee with him whilst they talked and gossiped, mainly about their old crew and a little about their new lives. He was quick to realise that she was a different woman to the one he had known in the delta quadrant. She was relaxed and content; he could tell from the way she didn't fiddle with her comm. badge every other minute. Her smiles were genuine and infectious and he knew that she was happy. She surprised him the following afternoon by putting her work aside in favour of spending the time with him as they walked together in the station's immense bio-dome. There her spontaneity was demonstrated as she had grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into a hydro-hut for young saplings and kissed him sneakily and freely as if they were teenagers. She was _almost_ carefree (well, she was still Kathryn).

They didn't really talk about anything important, or say anything meaningful to one another, and they both came to the silent agreement that this was a fling, that it would be remembered but kept a secret, and this time not out of shame but out of privacy. They spent the following two evenings together, the first they ate and the one just passed she had come by after a banquet she had been forced to attend. Now it was the morning and Chakotay watched her dress as he lay casually in his bed with a contented smile on his face, "come back to bed," he said playfully, "it's too soon for you to be leaving. Stay another hour."

She glanced back at him and rolled her eyes, "that's what you said an hour ago, and remember, I stayed."

"When I said an hour, I meant the rest of the morning," he protested, "I'm sure your transport will wait… after all, you're the only passenger that really matters."

He heard her chuckle, "I'll pass those thoughts onto admiral Leary," who was the only other passenger for the private shuttle.

Chakotay grumbled as she pulled on her jacket and turned back to face him. And then the fun drained from the moment as the reality that she really was leaving this time hit him. She crossed over towards him, a tender smile on her face as she clambered across the bed to bend over and kiss him deeply. She pulled back to look at him as her fingers absently traced the lines of his tattoo. "This has been fun," she told him honestly.

"We should do it again some time," he joked, but his words were met with a stillness he hadn't really expected and suddenly the atmosphere became tense. "Stay," he repeated, but this time it wasn't light hearted, and he didn't mean just for an hour, or another day, he meant indefinitely; he was pleading and she knew it.

"Don't do this," she insisted.

"Phatar is only two days travel from here, you could come back with me and stay for a while."

"I can't…" she said sadly.

He grinned, "just tell Starfleet you're taking some personal time, you do more than enough for them; I'm sure they'd understand."

"Chakotay, I have a family to get back to," she eyed him carefully not wanting to think that he had forgotten.

If the moment had been heavy before it was now lined with lead and filling with water, the family she spoke of should have been his to share with her. "I…"

"Please Chakotay, spare me, I don't need to hear it," she pulled away from him and moved to sit on the edge of the bed so that she could put on her boots.

He sank back against the mattress, they hadn't spoken about that, and at times like this he had also managed to forget. Layla and Elliot. Since they'd had names his discomfort at leaving had turned into a guilt he had been unable to shake. He tried not to, and didn't want to think about them, but often when his thoughts would drift to Kathryn they would fall on them as well. He wondered what it would feel like to hold them, he was curious as to what they smelt like, what their laughs would sound like. Would they grow up to look more like him or Kathryn? Would they be as stubborn as their mother or as giving as their father? He decided to tell her all this, "I never stop thinking about them…"

"I don't care," she cut him off, "if you really do think about them it's from time to time and then you forget… like now. If you really cared you wouldn't have cut yourself off on a planet over twenty light years away," she turned to face him, "don't tell me it was a tough decision or that you feel guilty, because it's too late and it won't change anything."

"It's difficult Kathryn; to know I have two children who's lives I'm not apart of," his voice was soft but strained. "It's because I care that I try not to think about them and what I've done, but as you said, it's too late now." He let out a long breath, "maybe you're right in that I went too far away, maybe if I was closer to Earth I could do something to change all of this… but the space and time has been good for the two of us and you know it."

Her shoulders sagged but he wasn't sure if it was out of resignation or exhaustion, "when I ended our relationship I really thought you would stay…" she admitted, not liking to disclose that she had been unable to predict this turn of events. "If I had have known that you would leave I would have waited until after the children had been born and you'd formed a bond with them."

Chakotay was silent a moment, "but you still would have left me?" there was an anger in his voice he was unable to restrain.

She turned to face him with a sadness now in her eyes, "probably."

He looked away from her, unsure how to feel, they had managed to avoid this conversation their whole time together and he was starting to think it would have been better had she left without starting it. "I wish you hadn't told me," he blurted out, the moment's pressure leaking into his words. "I wish you have told me you'd been having an affair and that they weren't mine. Knowing about them is a daily torture…" he didn't sound angry, or upset, only distant and maybe a little uncertain. "I hear about them from our former crew, occasionally on the news vids, sometimes people even ask and my sister constantly pesters me and I don't know what to tell everyone. At least if I didn't know they were mine then I could go on with my life in a blissful oblivion."

"Well I'm sorry to make your life a little cumbersome," her voice was low and dangerous, "but I'm constantly being questioned about the identity of their father, people don't believe it's you, they think _you_ left _me_ because I'd had an affair. Did you know some of the former Maquis won't actually talk to me because of what they think I've done?" He turned and met her gaze. "I wasn't happy when I was with you. To be honest I wasn't happy with anything in my life back then. If we had have stayed together you would have become miserable too, and who knows maybe once I realised how difficult twins were we would still be together now, both miserable and resentful of one another, but at least we would have each other right?" She paused and looked away, "stop punishing me for doing what I thought was right."

"Why did you let yourself become involved with me in the first place?" he came close to demanding, but his voice could never carry the full extent of his anger and frustration.

Kathryn shrugged, "I don't know," she said honestly, she didn't like to think about that anymore as she loved her children and wouldn't want to change anything that meant a future without them. "You pressured me, and I guess I was scared of losing you back then so I let it happen."

"I pressured you?" he seemed genuinely confused.

She stood from the end of the bed, "maybe you didn't realise you were doing it, but you were. You kept asking for more commitment: a family, marriage, a house together, I only gave in on the last one because I'd said no to the first two and it was least damaging. I really thought we might be able to make it work, with enough time I could find a happiness with you… and then I found out I was pregnant and it changed everything." She paused and suddenly looked deeply apologetic, "I'm sorry I could never be a part of what you wanted us to be."

He was now sat up in his bed watching her as she stood agitatedly across from him, "maybe I should think about coming back to Earth," he said thoughtfully, "when I switch to writing up my thesis it doesn't matter where I do it. I could be apart of my children's lives."

"I would like that," she shot him a small smile, "but don't do anything based on these few days together, out here it's not real, on Earth… it would be complicated."

"I know." The complications she talked of included a merciless press, a man she had become involved with a couple of months previously, unresolved problems, arguments and emotions and no guarantee that they would even attempt to work on a relationship. "We were always friends before, beneath everything else, it can be that way again."

She considered his words and then gave a small nod, "maybe," she said, knowing better than to take his words for promises. Then, seemingly remembering the time, "I have to go."

"Okay," he said with an acceptance of her departure. He shoved the covers from off his body and clambered across the bed, quickly closing the gap between them. Reaching up a hand to her face he looked her in the eye and exchanged a soft smile with her, he didn't need to say it, she knew, and for once he could tell that she really did love him back. "Have a safe trip back," his voice was low and caring, and then he kissed her.

"Goodbye Chakotay," she said as she stepped back from him, smiling as she studied and memorised his face one last time before she left.

He didn't follow her as she walked from his bedroom and through the suite, but waited until he heard the door close before he made a move to ready himself for a day of meetings and lectures. As he walked through main living area to the bathroom, light coming from the screen of his computer caught his attention and he realised that it had been activated. Vaguely the memory of Kathryn asking for his permission to make a call came back to him, and he just about remembered making a sleepy reply which provided her with consent. Then realisation stuck him that maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to allow her access to his computer and he walked over to check if she'd activated his personal area.

He realised she had, as he tilted the screen of his computer up towards him to see a picture of their two children displayed as a back-drop. By the time they had been born Kathryn had given up on contacting him, but the EMH had discreetly sent him a message via sub-space the morning she had given birth. The picture of the two, month old babies laying side by side and peacefully awake had come from Gretchen Janeway, Kathryn's mother. The letter had been brief, describing which twin was which, their birth weight and good health, she had mentioned the fact that Kathryn and the children had moved into the family home in Indiana and requested that he not mention their correspondence to the mother of his children. On the occasions he had met Kathryn's family he had got on well with Gretchen, and had managed to kindly tolerate her sister Phoebe, but he didn't know her mother well enough for such a covert and personal letter, but he was grateful all the same to her for contacting him… although he had never replied to tell her so.

Reluctantly he realised that now Kathryn would know two things: firstly that Gretchen had contacted him behind her back, and secondly that he hadn't allowed himself to forget completely. He could guess her reaction to the first: rage. The second he was unsure of, but he guessed that was part of why she had snapped so readily at him before; out of uncertainty at the new revelation. He didn't know if or how it might contribute to a change in their distant relationship, all he did know was that now he was ready to make that change.


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry this chapter has taken a while to put up, but I've been trying to finish off the story in the later chapters and I'm finding it very hard to give it an ending that I'm satisfied with and that I think you'll all like. Anyway, let me know what you think of it so far ____._

_Chapter 8: Uncharacteristic_

_About a year, (two weeks before first Voyager reunion.)_

It was late into the evening, and Kathryn had been ordered to rest, but after having spent over two hours in her darkened hospital suite trying to fall asleep she had found she couldn't and had given up on the idea altogether. She moved from the room which had started to feel like a prison over a month ago when she had first been admitted and walked down the corridor. She had never been one to be caught in an indecent state, and this time was no different. She had pulled her long hair back, clipped it up, and dressed in slacks and a loose blue t-shirt before making her way in the direction of the nursery.

There was a security guard standing outside who nodded politely at her as she entered into the private room. She didn't consider the security necessary, but the hospital had insisted given her high profile, and reluctantly she had consented to a Starfleet officer to be instated outside the room. Most of the staff had finished for the day and gone home, leaving monitoring to the night staff as they came on, so Kathryn wasn't surprised to see that the room was deserted.

She walked over towards the only two incubators in the room where her children now slept. She had given birth over three days ago now, but she still wasn't allowed to take them home with her yet due to their early arrival and her own poor state of health before her labour was induced. At the time it had been happening she had silently cursed their father for his absence and hated herself for sometimes wanting to give up and terminate as the doctors had suggested, but now as she looked at them such thoughts were furthest from her mind.

Layla had been born first, but hadn't been breathing, she vaguely remembered the medical team trying desperately to resuscitate her as she had started to deliver the second baby, but now when she thought back it was all a blur. Her sister had been with her throughout the labour, she couldn't remember all that Phoebe had said to her in those last couple of hours, but she knew her presence alone had been comforting, and the words encouraging and supportive. Elliot had been handed to her by a nurse, healthy and beautiful to her exhausted mother, but whilst she was jubilant to finally hold one of her children, she couldn't enjoy the moment properly until she had known that Layla was going to be okay.

Finally a doctor had walked over to her holding the smallest and weakest of the two babies, and although too delicate to hold, Kathryn had reached out to run a hand across her head and face, before the screaming infant was taken away to the intensive care unit. This was the first night that the twins were sleeping in the same room together, and for once Kathryn was grateful at not having to travel between them, carefully ensuring she spent equal time with them both.

Elliot fidgeted in her sleep, and Kathryn realised she was about to wake and instinctively reached into the incubator to hold her. The baby settled back instantly, drifting back into blissful sleep making her mother jealous of how easy she made it look. She looked down at the daughter now in her arms, admiring every aspect of her and still amazed that this one was hers. Back in the delta quadrant Kathryn had given up on ever becoming a mother, and even up until the later stages of her pregnancy she had wondered if it was even what she wanted. When her doctor had first told her about the complications though, her desperation to keep the twins made her realise how much she was looking forward to seeing them, and to being their mother.

Chakotay's influence on their children was unmistakable. They both had his dark hair, and their eyes were already starting to go brown. She could see Layla had his cheeks and dimples, but there was something about Elliot, not a distinct feature, and it was too young for her to emulate any of his expressions, but there was an overall subtleness which echoed her father. Kathryn could have gazed indefinitely at both girls, but movement out of the corner of her eye made her realise she was no longer alone.

Her head twisted in the direction of the door, to see a tall lanky man hovering by the nursery's entrance, "Tom," she said, surprised but pleased to see him as a smile overtook her face.

"I was just on my way home and decided to drop in and see how you were doing… when you weren't in your room I guessed you would be here," he explained entering further into the room.

Tom and B'Elanna had been regular visitors since the arrival of the two twins, and for the few weeks before whilst she had been confined to a hospital bed. Throughout her pregnancy she had remained in close contact with them and in the year since their return to earth she had formed a close friendship with the couple. Although she had always got on well with them on Voyager, there had always been a formal distance between them. Now she was no longer their captain, she had become their equal and a good friend and godmother to their daughter.

"Well it's always nice to see you, but I get the feeling B'Elanna may have sent you to check up on me," she eyed him suspiciously.

"Actually, I came here to check up on you on my own accord," he confessed with the same cheeky grin he had won his wife over with.

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "the girls are doing better," she changed the topic, "the doctors say that Layla will take a while to reach the same weight as Elliot, but at least she's out of the danger zone."

"I thought living on the edge was how the Janeway women did it," he joked as he stepped up to the other incubator to peer down at Layla.

"Maybe it was," she said sternly, "but I'd prefer another type of life for these two."

Tom glanced up, "you're not knitting their first uniforms then?"

She rolled her eyes, "no."

"Well, my plans for Miral becoming a pilot aren't going too well; she's looking way too interested in building blocks for my liking, I'm worried she might turn out to be an engineer." He emphasised a sigh, "well I guess there's always the next one."

"You can have one of these if you like?" she offered, "I only really need the one."

Tom laughed, but quickly sobered and raised an eyebrow, "which one?"

This time Kathryn laughed in the genuine way he always admired, and when the laughter between them had died down they both slipped into a comfortable silence for a short while. "Would you like to hold Elliot?" she asked him at last.

He nodded, it wasn't the first time he'd held her, but the last time he had, B'Elanna's hands had been impatiently waiting to snatch the baby from out of his arms. "What kind of a name is Elliot for a girl anyway?" he asked when he felt comfortable with her weight.

Kathryn sat herself on a stool nearby Layla, "the kind of name from a mother expecting one girl and one boy."

Tom looked down at the baby, "well I'm going to call you Ellie, and I'm going to tell everyone else that's your name is Ellie until it sticks." He noticed Kathryn raise an eyebrow at the voice he put on, but she said nothing, finally he looked back across to fix his gaze on her, "they're beautiful," he said simply.

She smiled, and turned to look at Layla, her heart aching just a little at how close she had come to losing this one in particular.

"He hasn't come then," Tom noted, not having to explain he meant the absence of the father of her children.

"We didn't part on the best of terms," she reminded him, "he just needs time."

"You know he was offered to do the same PhD somewhere in France, but he told B'Elanna that the distance Phatar offered was one of the reasons he'd taken it, so that he had a good excuse not to be involved."

The distain Tom now held for his former commander was evident in his voice, "I doubt he used that exact wording," she warned him gently, hating that she was the reason Tom was speaking that way about a man who he had once respected and appreciated.

"I don't know how you can be so calm about it?" even he was frustrated by Chakotay's detachment. "After everything you went through during the pregnancy, he didn't even call you once to make sure you were okay, and now I think he's really going to leave you to raise his children."

"Tom, you're talking about something you don't understand," she found it difficult to be angry at a man who had given her two beautiful daughters, and who's absence was her own fault. After having caused him so much pain over the years, that final blow to him just less than six months ago had been all he could take from her, and when he had left that night, she'd known he had no intention of returning.

"Maybe not," he admitted. The relationship between his commanding officers had always been somewhat of a mystery to the crew, and although the intimacy they displayed on their return came of little surprise to anyone, their parting had. As a result some of the crew (mostly maquis) had assumed Chakotay's quick departure from Earth had been because he'd discovered he wasn't the father of Kathryn's children. Others that had never been fond of the man thought that he was simply being a prick, whilst the majority, including Tom, accepted that there was more to their history than either of them had ever let on, and the unexpected pregnancy had put a strain on an already delicate entanglement.

"When do you think he'll be ready to come back?" Tom asked at last.

Kathryn shrugged, "honestly, I don't know," she confessed sadly.

He didn't ask her anything more about Chakotay, he saw it was already difficult enough for her to deal with the prospect of raising twins by herself, without him having to remind her of why. They spoke for a while longer about nothing in particular, but eventually he noticed her eyes were starting to droop, and aware that his wife expected him home at some point that night, Tom escorted her back to her own room, where he left her to get some well earned and needed sleep.

-

_A few days later_

Chakotay sat unaccompanied at a bar, the pint he was now nursing was of a number he struggled to count with his fingers, for the main reason he wasn't sure he remembered how to count. He'd been given the news a week ago from the EMH about the arrival of his two daughters, but like all other information he'd picked up about Kathryn and her pregnancy over the past few months he stored it at the back of his mind and tried to forget it. Then B'Elanna had told him their names, she'd wanted to see his reaction, and at the time he'd dealt with it well, nodding solemnly and changing the topic, refusing to let her see anything that might give him away. But for some reason knowing who they were pulled his heart in a direction he'd never known it could bend, and soon after their sub-space communication had ended he found himself wallowing in self pity.

Sometimes he realised he had made a mistake by walking out, other times he rationalised his decision by blaming Kathryn for her inability to commit. However he knew it wasn't a good enough excuse, he'd seen the signs of her reluctance to pursue a relationship with him from the beginning, and he'd been naïve to think that starting a family with her would change any of that. She'd needed his friendship in the delta quadrant, and she'd needed it back on Earth, but he'd abused her need and pushed her into something she wasn't ready for, now he felt he was getting his comeuppance as he was riddled with the guilt of not being there to help raise their children.

After their confrontation before his departure a few months ago she had given up trying to contact him. He wasn't sure if she had persisted if he would have eventually answered, but he did know he would have been tempted right about now. There were two things which stopped him from trying to contact her, the first obstacle was his wounded pride which told him not to step in the firing line for her to hurt him again. The second reason was the look of disappointment he'd seen in her eyes the last time he'd seen her, and he was now convinced if she didn't hate him then, she would now. So instead of doing what he knew he should, he decided to go down to the bar and do exactly what he knew he shouldn't and drown his misery.

"So," a sober voice came up at the side of him, "are you here because they're yours, or because the news vids are a terrible reminder that they're not yours."

Chakotay turned lazily to the woman who had sat down on the stool beside him, "that's none of your business," he slurred.

She eyed him carefully, trying to decide if she could get away with pushing him, but she realised there was little point in trying, "are you going to be okay getting back?"

"Who says I'm going back anywhere?" he said, draining his glass and signalling for a refill.

The bartender hesitated, but considering his height and build decided that one more might be okay and started to pour.

"Your presentation tomorrow for a start," she reminded him.

He seemed to have forgotten as his face twisted in annoyance of the reminder, "oh yeah," he said, swaying slightly where he was seated.

"It's okay," she spoke to the bartender, indicating the drink, "he doesn't want another one."

The bar tender looked about ready to complain, but saw that she wasn't a woman to be messed with, and nodded silently as he placed the full glass back behind the bar. Chakotay turned to his supervisor who was a professor at the university, "and now I suppose you're going to take me back to my house?"

"Not your house no," she confessed before stepping from the stool, "are you coming with me?"

He considered making an excuse, but he couldn't think of one and the look on her face told him that she wasn't about to accept one. So he decided that a distraction other than alcohol would be good for him, so he took her up on her offer, and with a little help walked back with her.

V

_One year, two months_

The twins had been born just in time for the summer, and their birth had been followed by a warm sun and good weather in Indiana. Kathryn sat out with them both on the veranda at the back of her mother's house, Layla lay contently in her basinet, her eyes dancing around as she listened to the sounds of the wildlife around her. Ellie as usual was unsettled, and Kathryn had been struggling to keep her calm for over an hour.

She hadn't intended to stay more than the first couple of weeks with her mother, but after the first month with two babies she'd resigned herself to the fact she needed as much help as she could get. In only a few weeks she was due to go back on duty, and for the first time since she'd reached Earth was looking forward to a quiet desk job.

The sound of the distant door bell, and then voices in the hall caught her attention and she realised she had a visitor when she then heard footsteps falling in her direction. Her mother appeared at the back door, "Kathryn, Annika is here to see you," Gretchen said needlessly as the former Borg appeared quickly from behind her.

Kathryn's face quickly grew with a smile, and her mother kindly made herself scarce. "Annika," she greeted warmly, standing from her chair and juggling the baby in her arm in order to embrace the other woman, "it's good to see you."

"And you Kathryn," Seven said as they pulled apart, her eyes immediately falling on Ellie.

The mother of the two girls noticed her old friend's eyes focus, "this is Elliot," she introduced her to the baby in her arms, then nodded in the direction of the other baby, "and that one over there is Layla."

"I assume they both have you surname," Seven said in a practical manner as her gaze shifted to the eldest twin.

Kathryn suppressed a grin, "of course." Seven nodded as if both girls had just passed an inspection. "How was the Avery system?" she asked quickly as she moved back to her seat.

"It was… an experience," from her tone she guessed that it wasn't one Seven was likely to repeat any time soon. After the debriefings had finished Seven had accepted a position on a deep space science vessel, and had only returned earlier that week. Although Kathryn hadn't thought seclusion on another ship was the best way for the former Borg to expand on her humanity and acclimatise herself to her return, she also knew that living a normal life on Earth would be impossible for Seven whilst there was still so much hype surrounding Voyager. She hoped that now the fuss had died down a little, that Seven could expand on her knowledge of what it was to be human without having it tainted by people harassing her. "I have decided that space exploration is no longer the best use of my time," she explained.

"I'm guessing you've decided what would be a better use of your time then," Kathryn surmised.

"Yes," she said, raising an eyebrow at her former captain's tone, "I will be heading up a project in Starfleet's New Zealand research centre to help the federation utilise Borg technology."

Kathryn wasn't surprised at the assignment, one of the developers there had contacted her a short while ago asking the best way to convince the former drone to take up the offer. "It sounds very appropriate for you," she said, trying to make her approval impersonal so that Seven wouldn't take offence.

"I will be working in the same facility as the doctor," she said, now watching Kathryn closely, "he says that he hasn't spoken with you for some time."

Unable to help herself she flinched, "we had a disagreement some time ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that," she realised that she would have to tread carefully now, "the doctor appeared very regretful of whatever happened."

Kathryn shifted Ellie in her arms, "he hasn't told you why we're not speaking?"

"No," Seven shook her head, "but I couldn't help noticing the timing of your falling out, as it would appear that you haven't had contact with him since the discovery of you pregnancy and Chakotay's departure."

Up until that point Kathryn had looked uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking, but now her eyes were fixed on Seven in a penetrating glare, "did the doctor send you here to convince me to start talking with him again?"

She seemed unperturbed by the other woman's warning look, "no, but I was concerned for him… he is very unsettled by your continued avoidance of him."

Kathryn looked away, "it's not my intention to upset him," she admitted, "I'm just not sure what I would say to him now if we spoke."

Seven accepted the admiral's words, realising that to push the topic any further was inappropriate. They slipped into a long silence, in which time Seven studied both children carefully, "would you like to hold Layla?" Kathryn asked.

Seven's eyes snapped back in her direction, "I am unfamiliar with infants," she protested.

Forgetting the previous topic she smiled freely, "Layla's very easy going, you should be okay with her." The woman hesitated a moment, but curiosity got the better of her, and she reached out to take the baby from the basinet. Kathryn watched as the former drone carefully held her child, amazed with the tenderness which she used in doing so, "do you think you'll want children of your own one day?" she asked.

"I am unable to carry a baby to term," she said matter-of-factly, making Kathryn feel very awkward at having raised the subject, "but I would not be opposed to sharing a family with someone in the future."

The thought of whether that someone she spoke of could be the doctor flashed across Kathryn's mind, but she suppressed the idea, "you've come along way from the drone who threatened to assimilate Voyager," she noted with pride.

Seven tilted her head to one side but said nothing as her gaze drifted back to the small girl on her lap. "They both look a lot like Chakotay," she said.

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, "you sound surprised."

"I am, I was under the impression that Chakotay wasn't the father."

"You know better than to take the news at face value…" she said, remembering the unflattering things that had been written about Seven and others during their first few weeks back on Earth. "I think there's a lot of people who disapproved of my relationship with Chakotay, either because of our positions on Voyager, or because of his Maquis status… anyway, both groups would prefer to believe that some anonymous man is the father to my daughters."

"Do you mind me asking what Chakotay thinks?"

"You mean whether or not he knows he's the father?" the question was more rhetorical than anything else so Seven merely nodded, "he knows he's now a father, but don't ask me what he thinks about it, because I'm sure I would be the last person to find out."

She looked deeply troubled and confused by the admiral's words, "his behaviour is very uncharacteristic in that case…"

"I suppose you might see it that way," she realised that she was about to teach Seven a new lesson in humanity from her own personal experience. "What you need to understand is that people who care as deeply and openly as Chakotay are quick to fall in love, and eager to help those in need, but just as quick to anger and hate. I upset him just before he left, and blinded by his anger he decided not to come back… he's not going to return until he's found a way to forgive me."

"And how long will that be?"

Kathryn chuckled lightly, for some reason people thought she could actually answer that question, as if she had some control over him, and Seven was especially expecting a clear answer. "A long time," she replied confidently.

Seven appeared to appreciate the response and looked thoughtful a moment, "I do not think I could ever tolerate someone so illogical and emotional," she said honestly, "I am uncertain why I would have married Chakotay in the alternate timeline we were exposed to."

People rarely spoke of the admiral from the future who had brought them home, in fact Starfleet had decided not to make public that element of their return, so Kathryn was as always surprised when their alternate future was brought up. "Because Chakotay is determined and persuasive and has wanted to settle down for a long while now; he would have convinced you that it was the right thing to do."

"Did he not try and convince you?"

Unable to help herself she laughed, "we have two daughters… so yes, he did try."

Seven was curios to know the details of what had happened but knew better than to ask. Layla interrupted the moment with a small cry, and with an audible sigh, Kathryn rested Ellie in the basinet, and took the other girl from Seven's arms. As she paced with her daughter Seven questioned her about the difficulties of childcare, and Kathryn as usual answered with patience and understanding, amazed as always with the former drone's open curiosity.

There had been a point where Kathryn had worried their relationship would be damaged by her involvement with Chakotay so soon after Seven's brief entanglement with him had come to an end. Chakotay had always insisted that their dating had only been light and easy going and hadn't been in anyway serious, but at the back of her mind she had remembered the admiral's words all too clearly when she'd been told of their marriage. Seven as usual had surprised her some days after the break up, rationalising that it was a good experience but that given the different surroundings she didn't believe it would have run the same course as it had apparently on Voyager.

Sometimes Kathryn wondered if the admiral had just been making it up to get a reaction out of her, or if there was more to the story that she was to ashamed to tell… but it didn't matter, it was a future that had no hope of happening now. As it turned out Seven had actually been supportive when her romantic liaison with Chakotay when it had become common knowledge within the Voyager clan (despite her efforts to keep it secret), and had told her at one point she believed their pairing was 'efficient and appropriate', whatever that meant… but it was just a relief to know that Seven hadn't been shaken at all by the news.

She had wanted Seven to stay longer, but after two hours of chatting away the drone had insisted that she needed to go back and regenerate and so she had left.

When Seven had been away the first couple of months she had called Kathryn almost every day with complaints and demanding answers of how to handle the various new situations she encountered. Eventually though, Seven's confidence had grown and her calls had were less often, and soon whenever she made contact it was not simply for advice but also just to talk. So that was how their relationship had evolved since leaving Voyager, although Kathryn would always been Seven's mentor, somewhere along the way they had also formed a much stronger friendship.

_To be continued._


	9. Chapter 9

There another couple of chapters of this part of the story to go and then it should get a little more interesting...!

_Chapter nine: Filler_

_One year, four months_

Tom paced with a disgruntled baby against his chest, as always amazed that such a small thing could make such a loud noise. After having watched Kathryn struggle with Ellie for almost twenty minutes, he offered to work his magic, and so carried her to an empty area of the café (where she could no longer disturb the other customers) and gradually managed to settle her down.

Elliot Taya Janeway had been difficult since the moment she was born, no one knew why, but what was more of a mystery was how Tom had become so good with her. Whilst it took Kathryn a couple of hours to get her to sleep, it only took him ten minutes, so as a result he had become the favourite baby sitter for the twins. By contrast Layla was the most easy going child he had ever encountered, she was always content, always happy, and thanks to her sister rarely had to cry for anything as she seemed to allow Ellie to do the demanding for them both.

When finally he thought it safe to return, he found Kathryn sat on one of the café's worn leather couches, Layla lying asleep in the pram and Miral on her lap as they looked through a picture book together. She looked up when she sensed his approach, smiling gratefully up at him as he took the arm chair opposite her, still holding Ellie carefully in his arms. "And I thought Klingons were difficult," he joked mildly.

At the word Klingon Miral looked up at her father causing Kathryn to shoot him an amused grin and then his daughter lost interest and returned to the book, turning another page for herself.

"So how's Harry?" Kathryn picked up on where they had left off.

"You've spoken to him recently haven't you?"

"Of course," she rolled her eyes at the thought of not keeping in contact with all her former crew, "but Harry stills thinks of me as his captain, you don't think he'd tell me _everything_ do you?"

Tom laughed heartily, "I never knew you were such a gossip hog."

She raised an eyebrow at the term, "I am not."

"You just want to know about how he's getting on with Penelope," he eyed her suspiciously.

Kathryn was torn between denying it to save some face, or giving in and admitting that she really was only interested in the gossip. "Fine," she said at last, "tell me all you know."

He considered drawing out this game, but a part of him was still a little scared of her when she had that look in her eye, the same look she held when plotting to betray the Devore, to deal with the Borg, or to order he flew into a sun. It was the look of determination, that no matter what she would succeed, damn the powers against her. "All I know is that they're very happy together," he said at last, weary of the hungry look on her face, "and it might not be too long until he proposes to her."

"He told you this?" he seemed surprised.

Tom sniggered, "no, but Harry is transparent as a pane of glass."

She seemed satisfied with this piece of information, and after only shooting a few more questions at him about members of the Voyager clan he was closer to than her, she dropped the interrogating completely. The conversation turned to other things, such as work, the weather, their families, and a little politics (which bored him too much for detail).

Since Tom had first met Kathryn, he had always felt some sort of bond between them. At first it had been because of his father; through her respect for Owen Paris, she had taken him onboard her ship without any prejudice, and he had worked hard at being a better man due to some unspoken promise not to let her down. As time went on a mutual respect and admiration had grown between them, which on their return to Earth had quickly flourished into a strong and natural friendship. Although he would grudgingly admit to himself there had been a time in their early years onboard Voyager when he had desired her, had maybe even thought he was in love with her, what he had with B'Elanna was more profound and intimate than he had ever thought possible between two people and he knew now it had never been more than a crush with Kathryn. What it also made him realise, (which he had been oblivious to when setting up with betting pools on them after their first year), was how it had been between her and Chakotay.

For two people who had appeared so close on Voyager, at the time the idea of them not remaining in contact on their return to Earth would have seemed odd to Tom. Time played strange tricks on people though. Kathryn still mentioned him occasionally, such as when she was recalling an event which had happened on Voyager, and to not do so would be too obvious, but she no longer spoke about him with ease and fondness. Instead, when his name come up a distant look would cloud her eyes, and the conversation would lull until it had moved on. She never denied that he was the father of her children, (that is if someone asked her outright) but she no longer volunteered the information.

Tom knew it was even more so the case with Chakotay, with whom B'Elanna still talked with regularly. His wife told him that whenever she spoke to their former commander anything concerned with Kathryn was taboo and to mention the twins was unthinkable. She could tell that he had walked away from the situation with a heavy heart, and for that reason alone she had sympathy for him. B'Elanna found it difficult, feeling torn between her two friendships with Kathryn and Chakotay, she would often confide in her husband that sometimes she wished she could simply chose a side and stick to it, but there was no wrong or right one to chose, and so she remained stuck in the middle.

Reaching out for his drink from the table between himself and Kathryn he paused in his action when he saw his friend's expression lift into an elegant smile. Noticing her eyes were focussed behind him he turned his head to see a familiar face making a beeline for their table.

Kathryn wanted to put Miral down for a second so that she could move to embrace her old friend, but knowing that he wouldn't appreciate the sentiment she thought against it. "Tuvok," she greeted warmly as he stood in the corner of the café they had occupied.

"Admiral. Mr Paris," he nodded at each of them in turn, "how are you both?"

"Good," said Tom quickly, "but we were starting to wonder if you were going to turn up at all this afternoon?"

"My apologies for my late arrival," he directed at Kathryn without missing a beat, "I was caught up at the end of a seminar by a group of students."

Tuvok had been a lecturer at the academy in San Francisco for over a year now, and appeared to be very popular amount the cadets, who, in Tom's opinion, found his dry sense of humour just as amusing as he did. "Excuses, excuses," Tom shook his head in mock disapproval.

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow, and Kathryn suppressed a smirk. "Well, I suppose we should order a second round of coffee now that you're here," she suggested when she trusted her expression enough not to crack.

Ignoring Tom completely for a moment he offered her a slight nod of his head, "I took the liberty of ordering a pot of coffee and one of tea for the table before I came over."

Kathryn gave an approving smile, then turned to Tom with a look which silently asked why he had never been so presumptive of her caffeine requirements. The moment was stolen however by Miral who was fed up with the lack of attention, and started to struggle in Kathryn's arms as she squealed out for Tuvok. The Vulcan instinctively reached out for the small girl and lifted her into his arms, as always amazing Tom with how good he was with children, and how fond his daughter was of him.

The three of them spent another few hours in the coffee shop reminiscing and catching up. The café was five minutes walk from the academy in San Francisco and had been a regular haunt of Kathryn and Tuvok's both before Voyager, and since their return. In recent months Tom had received the privilege of being invited to their weekly coffee sessions, and on occasion had been joined by B'Elanna or found that Kathryn had invited a couple of members of their former crew. Tuvok didn't seem to mind the intrusions, and in fact Tom could say that he almost enjoyed them… in his own way of course.

Eventually Tom realised the time and made his excuse to leave, taking a very reluctant Miral from Tuvok, and promising to see them both the following week. As he walked away, he looked back at the two of them, as they sat and continued to talk, not for the first time considering what a beautifully odd friendship they had.

V

_One year, six months_

Chakotay didn't hear the door at first as he was busy hammering nails into the new floorboards, but when he did he quickly made a rush to answer it out of worry that whoever was there had been waiting a long time. He half expected to see his supervisor there, but given their recent break-up he knew it was unlikely… instead he was pleasantly surprised to see Harry Kim standing there on his front porch.

"Harry," his face lit up in a friendly smile as he instantly recognised the young man, "what on Earth are you doing here?"

The lieutenant grinned, "my ship was in the area, so I asked to take a shuttle over to see you… I would have called first, but there's something about the sun of this system which makes communication difficult."

Chakotay stepped back to invite him into the house, "I know, it's the sun's flares," he explained, "they emit high levels of Thoron radiation every few weeks; they're still not quite sure how to predict it and I'm sure if they had you manning the planet's communication towers they'd have found a way around it by now..."

"They're probably doing the best they can," he said modestly, "I hope I haven't come by at a bad time," he said, looking around and seeing the clutter of the living room. Various tools were scattered about the room as well as boxes and plastic sheets, and there was an obvious lack of furniture.

"No, it's fine," he said, lifting the dust cover from the couch, "I noticed dry rot in the floorboards last week, so I'm in the process of replacing them," he explained the mess.

Harry nodded as he took a seat, "have you been living in this house long?"

"Coming up to three months," he said, bringing a wooden chair up to sit opposite his former crew mate.

"B'Elanna told me you're studying archaeology?"

"Palaeontology," he corrected, "I'm doing my thesis on some ancient ruins about five miles away from here… can you believe that this planet was one populated by an entire sentient species, and no one has any idea what happened to them!"

"It sounds fascinating," Harry said honestly, relieved to see his former commander happy after much of the talk and gossip that had gone on since his permanent departure from Earth. "I'm guessing you'll be writing up about what happened to them?"

"If I can work it out," he said honestly, "so how have you been?"

"I've been well actually. In a few months I'll start my command training back on Earth, and a while after that I will be getting married," he added with a goofy grin.

Chakotay was dumb struck a moment, "married?" he repeated, then his face erupted into an infectious smile, "I'm very happy for you, would I know the lucky lady?"

"You might… Penelope Harrison," he looked awkward a moment, and watched the other man's face in the hope that he would recognise the name without him having to say anything further. To Harry's dismay he realised that he would have to say how they might know one another, "she was admiral Janeway's personal assistant in the first few months after our return."

"Penny…" he said her name slowly, this time recognition did reach his face as he remembered Kathryn talking about setting the two of them up; it seemed that it had worked.

"We've been assigned to the Beleke together for over a year now," Harry went on, wanting to move on quickly from his mentioning the admiral, "I'm hoping that you'll be able to make it to our wedding on Earth in October?"

"I'll see what I can do," Chakotay said quickly, not wanting to seem that he was affected by the mention of Kathryn, "but as you know it's a week's travel to Earth from here… but I'd like to be able to attend."

"Do you think you might be able to come back for Voyager's second year reunion this year?" he had a feeling he was pushing it. Chakotay had missed the first reunion without even an apologetic explanation to anyone, but given all that had happened no one was surprised to see he wasn't there. Harry didn't really know what had happened between his former commanding officers, but hoped they would be able to reach some form of resolution, especially given the fact that they now had two children. Secretly, he was even optimistic that they might be able to work things out and get back together, but he knew it was unlikely, as whatever had caused Chakotay to move so far away would undoubtedly keep them apart.

"Probably not," Chakotay confessed, "I have a lot of work to do here, and to take out a few weeks just for one reunion would be a waste of time."

The carelessness in which he spoke about the get-together surprised Harry, but he didn't miss the bitter undertone and rationalised that when his relationship with the admiral had turned sour, any reminder of Voyager, was a reminder of what had happened… Harry realised for the first time that his presence may also be causing Chakotay the same discomfort, after all the two men had had little contact since the debriefings had ended. Before Harry started to think of reasons to leave though, he considered the fact that they had never had the sort of friendship where they would call one another over the comm., and chance meetings would probably be the only way they would ever communicate directly, and as this was a chance meeting, and Chakotay had looked pleased to see him on his arrival at the house, he decided to stay and chat for a while longer.

Harry felt uncomfortable at first talking about Voyager, but the topic was unavoidable seeing as it was all the two men had in common. They were both careful not to bring up Kathryn again though, and instead spoke at length about what some of the former crew were up to, and as it turned out, Chakotay was still in regular contact with about half a dozen of them, including B'Elanna. When they had exhausted all discussable gossip, (as much of the gossip amongst the Voyager grape vines was about Kathryn or himself) they spoke a little about what they were both doing in their respective lives. Finally though, as the afternoon went on, Harry realised that he should be heading back to his ship, and so with a handshake and a friendly farewell, he departed feeling satisfied that the rumours of Chakotay's miserable self-imposed exile on Phatar were much over-exaggerated.

V

Mid-sentence of the story book he was reading, Tom stopped when he realised his daughter was already asleep. Slowly he dimmed the light of her bedside lamp until the only illumination in the room was that from the landing, which flooded through the crack in the door. Crossing the room he placed the book back on the shelf, and turned to check that his daughter was still sleeping, lingering where he stood for a moment as he admired how beautiful she looked as she slept, before quietly leaving her room.

B'Elanna had been busy on the comm. system when he taken Miral up to bed, but he found her sat on the couch in the living room with a glass of wine in one hand, and another glass waiting for him on the side table. Carrying the wine over, the sat down beside his wife, "who were you talking to earlier?"

From the reluctant look that clouded her face he could already guess who she was about to say, "Chakotay," she answered.

Tom didn't say anything, but simply nodded as his suspicion was confirmed.

"I'm worried about him," B'Elanna said at last, "he's so isolated out there. I'm worried he's lonely."

"No one forced him to go there," he reminded her needlessly.

"No, but I think he felt he didn't have a choice other than to leave," she said with a note of sadness in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but changed her mind as she decided that Chakotay really wasn't a topic she wanted to raise on a Friday night. "It doesn't matter," she said at last, "how's Miral?"

"Fast asleep," he said triumphantly, relaxing back further into the cushions as he extended an arm, and his wife moved to rest against him.

They remained like that for a long while. Content in one another's company as they sipped their wine, listened to the soft jazz music which played in the background and allowed their thoughts to drift. B'Elanna had barely seen her family that week as she had been busy working on some complications which had arisen during the pre-flight tests of the new warp-engine design, and so was grateful to have some quiet time alone with her husband. Tom had been as understanding as she could have hoped, making very few complaints at the lack of time she was spending with their family as he knew she would make take more time when the project was finished to spend with him. He ordered in food or replicated as soon as she was through the front door (no matter how late it was) and took on more than his fair share of caring for their daughter despite his own work commitments.

"Do you think he was embarrassed?"

"Who?" she asked as he interrupted the moment.

"Chakotay," Tom replied. "It was obviously he was in love with her, even on Voyager. When we got back I always got the feeling that something wasn't quite right between them; I think maybe he wanted the relationship more than she did. Then for whatever reason it didn't work out, all I can imagine is that she rejected him and he felt too embarrassed to stay for his children."

"I think it might have been part of it," she admitted, realising that her husband had been thinking about her comment earlier of their former commander.

"Well it's the only reason I can come up with as to why he didn't think he had a choice about leaving," he said thoughtfully.

"I don't think he was humiliated by the break-up," she explained, "although I think he would have preferred it wasn't broadcast and speculated about so freely. Chakotay's a proud man, and I think whatever happened really wounded him. I don't think he could bare to stay knowing that he would have to watch Kathryn with other men-"

"She's barely been on more than a couple of dates," he interrupted, but stopped when he noticed her annoyed expression.

"But one day she will move on, and unless it's with him, I don't think he will ever be satisfied. He knew if he had stayed he would never have been completely apart of the lives of his daughters; he would have found it difficult enough being a part-time father to the result of a fling, let alone to his children with the one women he's ever truly loved."

Tom was silent a long moment. "Do you think she's the only woman he's really loved?"

B'Elanna shrugged, "I know he's thought he was in love with other women, but before Kathryn, I don't think he really knew how intense love could be."

"Maybe, but you don't think it was more of an obsession?"

"An obsessive love?"

"Sure," he shot her a grin, "kind of like the way I love you."

She chuckled lightly before trying to lean out of the way of his advancing lips, failing much to her own satisfaction as he started to place kisses all down her neck.

Finally he pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes, "I hope we're never like them, that we're always this happy."

Kindly she place her hands either side of his face, and smiled softly across as him before she placed a loving kiss to his lips, "me too," she agreed. And that was as much as they spoke of Kathryn and Chakotay for that night.


	10. Chapter 10

This is the final chapter of part 2: Better With You. Please note that the final section takes place a short time after the JC meeting at the beginning of part 2. Enjoy!

_Chapter 10: A knack for the overdramatic_

_One year, eight months_

Kathryn glanced at the clock on the wall opposite her desk and realised that she would have to finish her work soon and head back home to relieve the nanny of her two daughters. Just as she started to write the closing section of her recommendation to the particle physics council she heard a knock at her office door. With a sigh she sat back in her chair, "come in," she instructed and watched as the heavy dark wood door opened to reveal Caleb Enfield, "ambassador," her face lit up at seeing him.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," he said politely as he entered her office.

"No more than usual," she eyed him suspiciously, "I thought you were on Romulus."

"Not any more," he stated obviously, his grin indicating his remark intended no offence. "When I was told you'd declined my offer to head up the liaison committee I decided I had to come down immediately to find out why."

"You do have a knack for the overdramatic," she stated, rolling her eyes, "isn't my involvement with the committee enough as it is?"

"Not at all," he said with a wicked grin.

"Well I'm not sure if you've forgotten but I have two very small children, and the job would require me to make regular visits of Romulus. If I took the position what would I do with them?"

He took a seat in the leather chair opposite her, "you could bring them with you." They both knew the suggestion wasn't meant to be taken seriously, so neither of them entertained it. "How are those beautiful little girls of yours anyway?"

"They're good… well getting better at least," she replied, but knew that this small talk was undoubtedly leading up to something else.

Caleb nodded, "where are they at the moment?"

"At my house," she said simply.

"And how much longer do you have until you're expected back?"

She started to get an idea of where this conversation was going, "soon."

"Do you think you could call and say you'll be another couple of hours? I want to take you out for dinner," he said flatly.

Kathryn had to chuckle at his abrupt manner, and the way he looked at her as if he wasn't about to take 'no' for an answer this time. "I don't think so…"

"Kathryn, I called your house twenty minutes ago and said you were tied down with work, your nanny seemed perfectly okay to stay on another few hours," he admitted with a confident swagger. "I happen to know a French restaurant on the corner of the park that has a beautiful view of the golden gate bridge, and I have it on good authority that you're dating again, so if you say anything but 'yes' I will be very offended."

Caleb was nothing if but sure of himself and of his abilities to get people to agree with him, it was what made him such a good diplomat, and before that a successful politician. Despite herself she found that she was attracted to him, not just because he was handsome, with his carefully carved face, charming smile and beautifully blue eyes, but also because of his strong personality and infectious sense of humour. If people hadn't voted him into Earth's senate ten years ago because of his policies, it was most definitely because of his all round attractiveness.

"If that's the restaurant I think you're talking about, we wouldn't be able to get a table at this time," she excused herself from the invite.

"I already made a reservation for us," he said smugly, "two weeks ago."

She'd known Caleb during her involvement with Chakotay and her pregnancy, and although he had always flirted with her this was the first time he had made so clear his intentions. "You took a risk that I would be free tonight," she allowed him a small smile.

The corner of Caleb's lip quirked up as he realised he was winning her over, "actually, I booked for the whole week."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I suppose I don't have any excuses left," she said at last to be rewarded by his triumphant smile, so she shook her head, "I have a feeling I'm going to regret this."

-

_One year, ten months_

For a long while after the twins had been born dating had been the last thing on Kathryn's mind, and it was only when her daughters were quite a few months old and she had declined offers from several men that she started to consider moving on from Chakotay. She had no doubt he had moved on, he wasn't the sort of man to sleep alone for long. In the delta quadrant she'd turned a blind eye to more than a few flings he'd had with alien women along the way, and in turn he'd ignored her occasional indiscretions with other men, but she didn't fall so easily as he did. Although she really did hope that he had found someone else who he could share his life with, but he had a knack for attracting cunning and unscrupulous woman and a habit of being pushed into unsuitable relationships, so although she was confident he wasn't alone at night, she wasn't quite so sure that the company would be good for him.

She had dated a couple of men when her children were old enough to be without her for the occasional evening, but they had never lead to anything, and she never brought them back into her home. Caleb had become the first exception. For several weeks he had pursued her and persuaded her to accompany him to dinner, to various functions and a weekend away in Venice, until eventually her coyness simply became part of the game they played. It had been his suggestion to visit her house and to spend time with her daughters, and she had agreed knowing that if she was to let him further into her life, she needed to know that he was prepared to make room in their relationship for her children.

As it turned out Caleb was wonderful with Layla and Ellie; she never felt he was merely tolerating them for her sake and they seemed just as fond of him as he was of them. It was still too early for them to make plans, to talk of commitment or to make promises, but Kathryn could see herself doing all that with him in the future.

"What can I say to convince you head up the team?" he asked one night as he lay beside her in her bed, his hand gently rested on her belly.

"You don't think that would be a little inappropriate?" she raised an eyebrow.

"No," he said, sounding as if he really didn't think it would be. "I have to put someone more permanent than Cruthers as head of the team… you would be perfect for the position and you know it."

"You've been asking me for weeks now Cal, aren't you sick of hearing me say no?"

"Not yet," he replied with a soft, "if it wasn't for Ellie and Layla would you have agreed by now?"

"Probably."

"Then what if I suggest a compromise? You could head up the team, but stay stationed on Earth… I've been thinking about it, I only need to be on Romulus half the time and I can spend months at a time back on Earth, so you could run the liaison team from San Francisco and just visit Romulus two or three times a year, you could even bring the girls with you if you wanted."

"I couldn't bring two babies with me," she protested, but grew thoughtful, "but I suppose they are getting old enough to be without me for a few weeks every now and again…"

Caleb could see he was winning the long battle and was keen to conclude the deal, "and it's got to be more interesting than quantum physics?" he went on, "you would be in space again for a few weeks at a time, dealing with ferocious aliens and would have an entire new culture to explore… being granted free access to Romulus prime is a rare opportunity."

"Okay, okay," she raised her hands in submission, "I will think about it."

With a smug smile he settled back comfortably against the mattress, "you're going to say yes this time," he stated.

Kathryn had half a mind to turn down the offer there and then for his presumptive attitude, but the new terms he had proposed were very tempting…

V

_Two years, three months_

As Kathryn had arrived at her mother's house late in the afternoon with her daughters she had been surprised to find her sister was already visiting with her boys.

Phoebe didn't live too far away from the family home, and since she had first left home some twenty years ago had frequently returned to the house for food and creature comforts. Kathryn had always used to view her sister's attachment to the house as childish and pathetic, but over the years, especially since the death of their father, she had learnt to be grateful for it, as she knew with Phoebe around her mother was unlikely to get bored or desperate for company.

They stood in the kitchen talking as the boys played with their cousins in the next room, occasionally receiving a warning shout from Phoebe who would catch sight of them rough handling one of the small girls through the adjoining doorway.

"So how long will you be away on Romulus?" she slipped back into a normal talking tone after having just yelled at her eldest to put Ellie back down.

"Hopefully no more than a month," Kathryn said. Since she'd taken the position as head of the Starfleet-Romulan liaison committee she'd managed to avoid spending too much time away from Earth, but given a recent incident which had involved the inhabitants of Romulus's moon and the Enterprise, it had finally come time for her to make a visit.

Phoebe didn't agree with her sister's decision to leave her children with their mother for so long, but she knew to voice her concerns about Kathryn's absence would only cause an unnecessary argument. She filled a mug with coffee and automatically grabbed another one in order to fill it, but Kathryn stopped her, "it's okay, I don't want any."

Somehow Phoebe had become as big a caffeine addict as Kathryn, despite her very flexible and stress-free life as a sculpture artist, so when her sister turned down the beverage she looked aghast, "is our coffee no longer good enough for the great admiral K. Janeway?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "no, I'm just trying to cut back."

"It's not like you to turn down coffee," she said, raising a suspicious eyebrow as she picked up her own mug, "and the last time you decided to cut back was when you found out you were pregnant…"

"Phoebe," she glanced away, "I don't know why you always start to jump-"

"Oh my god you are," her sister cut her short with an astonished expression, "who knocked you up this time? I bet it was Caleb. I told you he was trouble…" she grinned broadly, "so: are you going to marry this one?"

"No and NO," Kathryn folded her arms.

Phoebe ignored her, "I knew you were putting on weight! How far along are you?"

Kathryn glared at her sister, but finally it faltered, "if I wasn't pregnant I might actually be insulted by the weight remark."

"I knew it!" She shouted so loudly that the fuss in the next room stopped for a moment, and she had to wait until she was sure none of the children were going to come in and disrupt them before she went on. "So tell me everything… and don't spare me the gorgeous details."

She watched as the other woman took a seat at the kitchen table, crossed her legs and waited with unadulterated anticipation. "Cal's not the father," she said quickly, before Phoebe could start designing her wedding dress.

"Oh…" Phoebe looked instantly disappointed. "How many men have there been Kathryn?"

"Just the two," she said, looking momentarily horrified at the remark, "remember my trip to the particle physics conference…"

Purposefully her sister sank her shoulders back and pulled a bored expression, "yes, I remember you ranting on about it for a while, please don't tell me it's some nerd who has three doctorates and will never marry because he's so enthralled in his work."

"No it's not!" Kathryn was losing patience with the many assumptions that were being made about her, and she wondered if her sister really thought she was such a slut and _that_ was her type of man. "It's Chakotay," she said, unsure she could take any more accusations.

The younger woman sat back in her chair, stunned and unable to hide her surprise, "who?"

Kathryn frowned, "are you deaf or something, I said Chakotay."

"No, I heard you right the first time, but I was hoping if I asked again you might tell me someone different… What the hell were you doing with _him_!?" She burst out, this time not caring that the children next door might hear. "Are you insane? He's already left you with two children, now he's done it again… please don't tell me this was intentional."

"Of course it wasn't," she said, stepping over to the adjoining door and closing it, "we met by chance… and then one thing lead to another."

"I don't want the details of this particular fling," Phoebe looked disgusted, "I can't believe, after everything that's happened you would want to go back there again…"

"It was different this time," she wasn't sure why she felt she had to justify her actions, but she did nevertheless. "I knew there was a risk that this might happen, but for the first time in a while Phoebe I didn't care about the consequences; He's changed a lot, and so have I… this time I felt that spark like when I first met him nine years ago. We've been in contact since, and I think with a little more time he'll be ready to be a part of the girls lives."

"I think you're living more a fantasy than you've ever claimed I have," she said, shaking her head, "do you really think that he's just going to hear about your pregnancy and come running back, and you'll all live happily ever after?"

Kathryn looked at her sister exasperatedly as she sat down opposite her, "no, I think if we tried to go back down that route it would be difficult at best… but I think we could definitely be friends, and that he could be a good father to Ellie and Layla."

"And the baby?" she pressed.

It was the first time that afternoon that Phoebe had seen her sister look genuinely awkward and reluctant to answer, "I don't think I can tell him it's his," she confessed, "I saw how difficult he finds it knowing about the girls-"

"And so he should," she interjected.

"Phoebe, he's a good man, he's just hurt and confused and scared."

"And hasn't bothered to find out anything about his daughters since they were born."

"He has," this time her voice was quiet and heavy with sadness, "he didn't know I'd seen, but he has pictures that our mother has been sending… I'd always guessed he would keep track of them, but I never realised before how difficult he found it to be apart and uninvolved.

Phoebe looked less than convinced, "you make far too many excuses for him Kathryn," she sighed, "but I guess what's done is done, you're going to be popping out another one soon so I'll leave it to the baby to scream 'I told you so' every three hours."

"You're assuming it's one," Kathryn pointed out.

Phoebe raised an eyebrow, "it's not…"

Kathryn laughed, "no, it is just the one this time."

Her sister joined in with her laughter and all too soon their mother and had walked into the kitchen, as always surprised to see that her daughters weren't fighting. She would have questioned what they were talking about, and they might have answered, but then William entered and using a tactic they had developed in their teenage years they changed the topic of conversation and made it seem that they were simply returning to it, so no questions were asked. Phoebe however was sure to pull plenty of faces when Gretchen's back was turned, and make subtle sly remarks which went unnoticed by everyone but Kathryn for the rest of that evening.

_End of part 2_


	11. Chapter 11

Okay, the final but longest part of the story... don't say I didn't warn you about the angst.

_Part 3: Better Together_

_Chapter 11: Promises_

_Five years and one month_

Sat at the table in the kitchen with a newspaper and enjoying a freshly brewed pot of tea Chakotay sighed inwardly as the yelling and screaming in the next room continued and he realised he would have to intervene. Slowly and purposefully he stood from the chair and made his was across the tiled floor which followed through into the lounge to see his two young children fighting on the same rug they had been playing contently with one another only ten minutes previously.

"Is everything okay girls?" he interrupted from the doorway, and two brown sets of eyes quickly turned up to look at him.

They were both silent a moment as they assessed their father's mood, he looked stern and unimpressed with their behaviour and although both felt inexplicably guilty from the look he was giving them, neither one was willing to take the blame.

"She won't give me back Sally-Ann," Ellie burst out, indicating her favourite doll now in the arms of her sister.

"It's my turn to play," Layla insisted.

"It's my doll," Ellie countered but not to her father, this time she turned back to the other girl.

"I don't see your name on it," Layla pulled a face, and Chakotay had to force himself not to laugh out loud.

"Aunt Lana gave it to _me_."

"Daddy," Layla turned back to her father, "tell Ellie to share."

But before Chakotay could say anything Ellie stood and launched herself at the doll trying to pull it from her sister's grasp before she had time to react. Layla with a wail held tighter to the toy and in one swift movement got up and ran in a beeline for their father. "Enough," Chakotay boomed as Layla hid behind his legs desperately clinging to the doll and Ellie came to a standstill a few feet away.

The two girls had personalities that he found himself at a loss to trace. Neither were anything like their mother or himself for that matter. Layla was easy going, usually good tempered, chatty, free spirited and perhaps a little flaky. She danced with every movement, never worried or cared what was going on around her, and was very content in her own little world where everything was magical and every memory was twisted into her own fantasy which she recounted to all who would listen to her.

Elliot on the other hand was the more dominant of the twins, she was demanding, and difficult to deal with, but she was always eager to help, patient and had the kindest heart he had ever encountered. Many people would say that she reminded them most of Kathryn, and perhaps she did on the surface, but deep down she was very much her own person. She wasn't stubborn or reckless like her mother, but careful and thoughtful, her mind was never set but always willing to adjust and reflect. She was a wonderful listener, which was good considering how much Layla loved to talk, and in that way she was like her father.

Neither of them had any love for science or rules or order for that matter as could be clearly demonstrated by the mess of their rooms and mayhem of their day to day lives. Chakotay was coming to the realisation that neither of them would ever find a place in Starfleet, and for that reason, he was determined that no one should push them in that direction as he knew was bound to happen given Kathryn's reputation.

"Layla, that's Ellie's doll, if she doesn't want to share it with you then it's her choice and you have to respect that," Chakotay said calmly, placing a hand on his daughters loose and long light brown ringlets. He knew that Layla's lack of personal space and Ellie's need for one would be the basis of arguments for years to come, and he wanted them to learn to accept one another, not force them and fail to become the same well behaved drones that so many parents wanted. "Give the doll back to your sister."

Layla hesitated as a rush of thoughts passed through her mind: betrayal, anger, confusion and finally a grudging defeat as she knew better than to argue with her father and came from behind Chakotay and slowly (out of reluctance) handed back the toy.

Ellie grasped the doll desperately in her arms, she felt no pride at having won it back as she had never considered it a battle, but was only grateful at both Chakotay and her sister. "Ellie," he wasn't finished as he turned to the other girl, "do you remember aunty Lana gave you each a doll?"

Elliot nodded slowly, it had been for their fourth birthday only a couple of months previously. "And do you remember how she lost it at that party?" he spoke of Voyager's fifth reunion only two weeks later, where Layla against her father warnings had taken her doll and in all the confusion and fuss around them both had parted with the present and cried bitterly that night when she realised it was gone. "If you lost your toys wouldn't you be grateful if Layla let you play with hers?"

Again Ellie nodded, her father always had a point, and it was usually a good one, but she still wasn't certain what he was getting at. "Then consider how happy it would make your sister now if you let her borrow Sally-Anne from time to time."

With an amazement that he never tired of he watched as Ellie processed his words and searched for an empathy she was still too young to fully comprehend, she must have found it as her next movements were timid and maybe a little guilty as she held the doll out to her sister. Layla took it with a smile, "ta," she remembered her manners, although making Chakotay cringe a little inside as she again persisted on using her first speaking word for 'thank you'. Ellie understood clearly enough as she smiled back knowing that she had done something good, not because she was told, but because she had decided to. Together the girls moved back to the rug and continued to kindly play together forgetting their father's intervention.

It always took longer than he expected to get them ready for going out as he found if he left one to do something by herself she would quickly become side tracked and wander off to do something else. Finally though, he got them out of the front door of their comfortable cottage on the outskirts of Crémieu and after locking the door each one of them placed a hand in each of his and they walked up through the front garden and out onto the old dirt track.

It was now September and the summer was starting to fade, as air was became milder, the days became shortened and the rain threatened them more often. Chakotay had gained a lectureship at the University of Lyon in France a short distance away, and they had moved into the cottage only a month previously in anticipation for the new term. This time was to be full of changes for all of them, as not only had they moved house, but Chakotay was to start a new job and his daughters were starting school and would be away from their father more often and for longer than they had both become accustomed to. He doubted either of them would have any trouble leaving him, but what was becoming more apparent as they neared the school gates was that he was going to find it difficult to part with them.

During the short walk he remembered the first time he had ever seen them as he visited Kathryn's home in Indiana. By then they were both over a year old and starting to crawl and clamber around and oblivious to their father's arrival. He had watched them from the doorway of the living room for a long time before he had dared to introduce himself as he had been scared of what he might or might not feel towards them. If he had ever considered leaving again then all thoughts of ever parting with them had vanished quickly over those first few days as he got to know them. He didn't realise he loved them until the time had come for him to return to Phatar and finish his PhD, and then he had been forced to make some difficult choices. Those choices he was now grateful for making as he felt more at peace with the family Kathryn had given him than anything else before in his life.

He walked with his daughters up to the gates of the school which were opened out onto the playground. He instantly recognised Mrs Deschamps who was to be their teacher for the next year and approached the elderly empath. She smiled kindly at him and took the two girls from him with a reassuring wink as she lead them to an area where all their class mates were already gathered and playing happily. He stood and watched the two of them, telling himself that he was making sure they would be okay, but really he wanted to make sure that he would be okay. Layla was nervous as she looked around the new faces, but he saw Ellie grab her hand reassuringly, and as soon as the two girls were linked Layla found the confidence to introduce them both to the other children.

The twins weren't identical, unlike Layla, Ellie's hair was darkening to her father's colour, it was perfectly straight and always brushed and neat. Layla's hair was much fairer and struggled to be straight, but it grouped into ringlets and as she never bothered to tidy it, was always a mess on her head which everyone found adorable. They both had his eyes and Layla had his dimples, but when Ellie smiled and laughed he held his breath in awe of how much she looked like her mother. There was only a marginal difference in height which fluctuated occasionally, however Layla had inherited some of his build and had chubby cheeks which were always rosy.

"The first day of school is always tough," he heard a female voice from behind him interrupt his thoughts and turned to see a tall dark haired woman nearing her forties.

Chakotay looked worried, "do you think they'll be okay?"

She laughed, and he was unsure why, "they'll be fine," she sobered, "it's the parents who find it difficult."

He allowed her a guilty grin, "I guess I am a little over protective of them sometimes… it seems like only yesterday they were babies and needed me for everything, and now they're growing up and telling me that they want to tie their shoe laces for themselves."

"I'm Erin," she introduced.

"Chakotay," he replied, "I just moved into the town a few weeks ago."

"I know," she shot him a sly look, "you're part of the Voyager crew right?" he could tell the question was rhetorical so only nodded, "news that there was a celebrity in our midst spread through the town quickly."

"I'd hardly call myself a celebrity," he said sternly, he always felt jumpy around people who had heard of him, not knowing what they did and didn't know.

It turned out that Erin knew very little as she asked him: "usually it's the mother who brings the children on the first day. Is your wife working?"

Chakotay smiled pleasantly and held up his bare left hand, "I'm not married," he explained.

Purposefully she gave him a once over that he was quick to recognise and decided to enjoy, "you're partner?" he could tell she was testing.

Now Chakotay found himself in a situation he often tried to avoid and for a moment he was uncertain how to answer. "My children's mother hasn't been with us for a while now," he decided on the basic truth.

Erin shot him a sad look, "I'm sorry to hear that."

He shrugged, "it was a long time ago… well over two years in fact," as he said the words he found himself amazed that so much time had past by so quickly. "So you have children at the school?" he decided a change of topic was in order.

"Yes," she smiled, "two boys: ten and nine, and I have a daughter I left at pre-school earlier this morning who's just two."

He grimaced remembering when his own daughters had been at that age, "I still can't decide if they get easier or more tricky as they get older."

"Both," she rolled her eyes, "in different ways. Well, it was nice meeting you Chakotay," she started to bring their short chat to a close, "I guess I'll see you at home time?"

"I'll see you then," he said as she walked away from the school and back onto the road. He looked back up at the playground and after assuring himself one last time that they would be okay, he made his was back to the cottage.

V

Two years, three months

Chakotay sat reclined in his desk chair and waited patiently as Kathryn spoke to someone outside of the scope of the view screen with the channel on mute. Whoever she was talking to had just told her a joke as he saw her face light up and chuckle, he watched her eyes look at something in the distance before finally she turned back to him and reactivated the audio. "Sorry about that," she apologised.

"Who was it?" he asked quickly.

She seemed a little taken aback by his abruptness, "it was just Cal," she said, then seemed to remember who she was speaking to, "ambassador Caleb Enfield."

"I know who he is," Chakotay assured her, "what's he doing in your office? I thought the two of you broke up weeks ago?"

Kathryn frowned, "we did. But we still have to work together."

He wanted to make a comment about how it didn't look much like work, but decided to hold his tongue: it wasn't his place to say anything, and he felt he had little right to be jealous. "So the wedding?" he prompted.

"Oh yes," she remembered where she had been before the interruption and smiled as she started to recall the events of a few days ago. Chakotay had already heard most of it from B'Elanna, but her version of events was always laced with sarcasm and criticisms. He loved the way that Kathryn told stories, how her face lit up as she repeated a joke, or her eyes rolled when she told him about anything that had upset the evening.

"Did you take the girls?" he asked when she had finished telling him about Tom and Harry's drunken performance of various old sailor songs. He noticed that both women hadn't mentioned their presence. The last time B'Elanna had ever said anything to him about his daughters was a while after they had been born and she told him their names; his unimpressed expression and lack of response had been enough to put her off mentioning them since. In the past couple of months since his encounter with Kathryn on deep space five they had been in frequent contact with one another, but he noticed that she didn't often mention the children to him. At first he had been grateful, not sure if he was quite ready to hear about what he was missing out on, and now he felt that if he was ever going to amend his friendship with Kathryn he would need to show an interest.

"Yes," she answered after a moment's hesitation, surprised that he wanted to know. "I had Ellie on my hip most of the night and Layla was quite happy to be passed around. If it hadn't have been for Tom and Harry, and Harry's beautiful bride of course, they would easily have stolen the evening as everyone was fussing over them…" she came to an unnatural finish as she realised she was starting to get carried away, "but they were very well behaved."

He nodded a little to himself realising that maybe it still was too early to be talking about them. "Hopefully I should be able to come down for the reunion later this year, by then with some luck I will have switched to writing up and I can move closer to Earth."

"I know a lot of the old crew would be happy to hear that," she said, "I think many of them miss your council, I certainly know Ayala would have appreciated an ear to bend during his custody battle for his sons."

Chakotay was silent a long while, "I don't think I would have been a very good listener back then," he didn't need to say because of the problems in his own life... as she had been the cause of many of them.

"What I'm saying is that I wouldn't be the only one glad to see you a little closer to the Sol system," she felt a little clarity was in order.

"Do you mean that?"

She gave him a long and sincere look, "of course I do." There was a short silence as she allowed him to consider her words, "Chakotay I found out a few days ago that I'm being asked to attend some diplomatic meetings at the federation embassy on Romulus. I leave in two days and I'm going to be out of contact for a while."

"How long?"

"Three, maybe four weeks. This will probably be the last time that we can speak until then," she added.

"I suppose you'll be going with ambassador Enfield?"

Kathryn nodded, "actually that was why he popped in earlier for, just to give me the specific dates."

Chakotay looked past the screen at the far wall of his office remembering watching the news vids as the two of them turned up to events together and hearing the media speculation about them. He had met the man in the first few weeks of their return and had instantly recognised his intentions towards Kathryn. He also knew what she was like around men like that: chatty, genuine and even flirtatious, how she used to be around him, and a part of him worried that a romance would again start to blossom between them if they were working closely together. She seemed to sense his concerns and her next words put him off guard, "Chakotay, we haven't made any promises to one another, and I'm not saying we should, but when Caleb and I ended our relationship it was a mutual decision, we're not going to go back down that road."

"Perhaps we should make some promises," he said thoughtfully.

"Chakotay…" she protested.

"Nothing completely committal," he reassured her, "but just a promise that we'll keep it on the cards until it's a little more practical for us to spend time with one another."

She considered his suggestion, "I think it would always be on the cards Chakotay, whether we like it or not."

He chuckled lightly, his dimples reminding her once again of why she was so attracted to him, "I guess you're right."

Kathryn smiled softly at him across sub-space, "I have to go now."

"Okay," he sat up straighter in his chair, "I suppose I'll speak to you in a few weeks."

"I look forward to it," she replied, and as their eyes met for one final exchange she terminated the channel.


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12_

_Two years, six months_

Chakotay had returned to his apartment earlier than usual that afternoon as he intended to grab some trunks and a towel and take a swim in the university pool, but his comm. system had been flashing to inform him that he had missed a call from the doctor. Although surprised at the call as he hadn't heard from the EMH in such a long time he returned it without thinking twice.

"Chakotay," the EMH said, almost as if he hadn't expected to hear back from the former first officer.

"Hello doctor," he smiled, sitting down on the couch, "I noticed you tried to contact me earlier."

"Yes," the doctor looked grim, and that instantly pulled the smile off Chakotay's face, "I'm afraid I wasn't calling you with good news."

A knot formed in his stomach, knowing instantly if he was being contacted it was either about one of their former crew, or worse, his children or Kathryn. "There's been an accident…" for a moment the doctor looked like he was about to break down crying, "Kathryn's dead."

"No," Chakotay said, his voice breaking as the word left his mouth.

"Their transport vessel came under attack as they left Romulan space and entered the neutral zone, the admiral and ambassador were onboard and it seems they stayed behind to ensure the ship was evacuated… they didn't make it off in time as the warp engines were hit by enemy fire…" he didn't need to say anything further, and didn't really want to go on.

"How long ago?"

"I called as soon as I heard," he explained.

Chakotay covered his mouth, shock numbing his entire body.

"I think the Voyager crew would be grateful for your presence-"

"I'll take the first transport back to Earth," he said quickly.

"Thank you…" he said, "the memorial service probably won't be for a week or two considering the circumstances… That should give you enough time to get back."

Chakotay didn't say anything, he didn't think he could, he was only capable of bowing his head slightly in recognition of what that hologram had told him before he reached out and cut the comm. line. When the screen was blank he had to give himself a moment to process the news. As he did the knot that had been deep down in his stomach raised to his throat and tightened around it so that every swallow became painful and every breath was difficult.

With one hand placed against the wall to steady himself he reached up to his face to wipe at the tears which were now streaming down his cheeks. It was a useless gesture though as no sooner had he dried his face it was wet again and the flow of tears soon became a cascade he realised he wasn't able to control. His whole body felt weak and shaky, then a wave of nausea passed over him. Any strength that had been in his legs started to fade, and he felt his knees buckle beneath him and came to rest on the floor, and unsure what else to do he remained there for a long time and cried.

He had only felt a grief as intense as this once before in his life, and that was when he had been told about the death of his entire family… he had never thought anything could hit him as hard ever again. So many thoughts were passing through his mind that he wasn't able to catch hold of any of them, only the emotions they evoked: regret, love, guilt, anguish and confusion were some of the few he could identify, but the sense of loss was so great he actually felt his heart might break. He punched the wall he was knelt in front of it, desperate to feel anything else, and then again and again, until the physical pain started to dull the emotional. When his hand was covered in blood and his fingers were so swollen he was unable to move them he gave up with the wall battery and collapsed against it, and that was how he stayed for over an hour.

-

Chakotay had been too impatient to wait for a transport ship to Earth so had convinced the captain of a cargo freighter to give him a room on the vessel which departed that night. It took him just under a week to reach the moon's transport station, and in that time he had been kept busy with assisting the freighter crew (a distraction for which he was grateful). No sooner had the ship touched down he made his way across to the transport station. As he walked, he passed many people in Starfleet uniforms, a good number of which seemed to recognise him. Given the recent news of the admiral's death they would stare at him and then turn to whoever they were with to speculate on the reasons for his return.

At first he assumed there could only be one reason for him coming back to Earth: to attend the memorial service and mourn with the other Voyager crew, but as he was waiting for a transporter padd to become available he overheard the conversation of two young lieutenants.

"… for Janeway's memorial service I suppose," he only caught the last part of the sentence a man behind him was saying, and on hearing it his ears tuned out all the other busy sounds around him and focussed on them.

"Yeah, and don't forget their children," came a woman's voice.

The man sounded as if he was sniggering, "you really think they're his?"

"Of course… everyone knows she was involved with him back then."

"Well, we don't know who else she was involved with though," the man countered, "besides that's obviously why he left."

"Steve, have a little faith."

"Faith?" Steve exclaimed, "either they're not his kids and she was a bitch, or they are his and he's a jerk. What kind of faith are we supposed to have when either way someone's letting the side down."

"Oh please don't keep using sports analogies," she complained, "there's more to life than winning or losing."

"You know in tennis you only have to be right 51 percent of the time to win a game," he sounded like he was purposefully trying to annoy her now.

Chakotay glanced over his shoulder to see the woman laugh, and quickly the conversation moved away from him and to their own personal interests. They went on unaware that he had overheard them, and soon his place in the queue came up and he moved over towards the pad to be transported directly into San Francisco.

When he re-materialised there was a moment of disorientation he was unused to, having not used a transporter for so long, and it took him a while to get his bearings. Finally he did, and he made his way out of the transporter room, ignoring the looks he received from people passing him as he entered into the vast arrivals lounge. Remembering the plan, he looked around for the agreed café, and having located it several shops down pulled his bag more securely onto his shoulder and walked in that direction.

B'Elanna seemed to spot him before he saw her as he heard his name being called before he realised she was walking towards him. He barely had time to put his duffle bag down onto the black tiled floors of the station before he found himself being enveloped in a firm hug. They remained like that for a time, "I'm glad you're back," her voice was muffled against his chest.

"I'm sorry it has to be like this," he said sadly, then saw Tom coming up slowly towards them with a Two year old Miral rested on his hip.

B'Elanna pulled back, and he saw that her face was become tear stained. Roughly she wiped back the tears with the back of her sleeve, "please don't ever leave like that again."

He didn't say anything as he saw Tom's grim expression, and knew instantly the man wasn't quite so pleased to see him. "Chakotay," he said stiffly, extending a hand towards him.

"Tom," he politely shook his hand, smiling a little in the hope he might be able to lighten the pilot's mood towards him, but he was soon to realise that it wasn't going to happen.

"I suppose we should take you back to the house," he said simply, "you've had a long trip, I suppose you'll want to freshen up and have something to eat."

"Thank you again for putting me up," he addressed Tom.

The other man simply nodded and turned on his heal to lead the way.

He felt B'Elanna's arm slip through his, "it's not a problem," she said, ignoring her husband.

"It will only be for a few days," he promised, "until after the service has finished and then I'll be on my way."

"Back to Phatar?" she looked puzzled.

"Yeah," he answered, unsure of her confusion.

"What about…?" she stopped herself from whatever she was going to say as Tom was looking round at her with a warning in his eyes. "You're going to stay and look after the twins though right?" she said it anyway, shooting Tom an annoyed look that he was trying to stop her interfering.

Chakotay was silent. He'd thought about them on his way back, and if he was honest with himself he still wasn't sure what he was going to do about them. "I don't know," he told her truthfully.

"They're not his responsibility," Tom said with an authority to his voice that Chakotay wasn't used to.

B'Elanna caught up by her husband's side, "Kathryn would have wanted him to…" if she thought lowering her voice would stop Chakotay from hearing then she was wrong.

Although he didn't hear what Tom said in response to his wife, he knew it wasn't anything pleasant as the half Klingon gave him a glare that was strong enough to curdle milk and dropped back to walk back by Chakotay's side. He sensed something more was going on that they weren't telling him, but he had no desire to find out what and was grateful when B'Elanna said nothing further to him on the topic, and they made the journey back to their house with nothing more than small talk.

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Tom and B'Elanna's house was situated along the Californian coast, it wasn't small, but it was cosy, and had a balcony that came off the kitchen which had the most spectacular view of the ocean. He spent the mornings sleeping in, then would have lunch in the house with B'Elanna. His afternoons were consumed with reading and playing with Miral, and then Tom would come back from work, give Chakotay a cold look before picking up his daughter and sitting with her on the couch whilst he made it very clear that he was ignoring the other man.

It didn't take him much to realise that Tom was angry with him and irritated by his presence, but as B'Elanna treated him the same as she always had he was somewhat at a loss to explain why. Tom knew that Chakotay had left Earth for legitimate work reasons, and that it had been Kathryn who had ended the relationship after discovering her pregnancy, and knowing that none of it was entirely his fault he was confused why he was being given the cold shoulder. All too soon the day of the memorial service came around, and the four of them were making their way across to the private gardens in Starfleet headquarters where it was being held.

It was the middle of October and there was a definite chill in the air as they walked up the path to where the mass of people had gathered outside on the well maintained grassy lawn. It was only then, as heads turned up to look at them and quickly they entered the swarm of well wishers and mourners that he realised how detached he had been those days since he had heard of her death, and it was only then that he was able to accept that she really wasn't coming back to him this time.

Members of his old crew came up to him, shaking hands to welcome him back, clasping him on the shoulder to say that they too would miss her and some people hugged him. One thing that most of them had in common as they approached him was a look of uncertainty, as if they didn't understand how heart crushing the news had been to him. He had thought everyone knew how much he loved Kathryn, and for some reason he had thought they would somehow know about the resolution the two of them had reached only months ago. What was becoming more apparent though, as the service started, was that his actions had communicated a much different message: that he didn't care.

It was only after the speeches had been given, during which many of the former crew had sobbed uncontrollably that Chakotay realised he should have been one of the people who spoke for Kathryn. It was too late though, and after all, it was no longer his place. Another thing he realised what that many of the original Voyager crew hung back from him, watching him curiously but not wanting to approach him, perhaps uncertain of what say. Harry had not been one of those people, he had wrapped his arms around the former first officer, then pulled back to shake hands with him. But he was offered no words to condolences, but then again he didn't expect any, Kathryn had never really been his to lose.

He had just spotted Seven at one end of the gathered crowd standing with the doctor when the words: "I'm sorry for your loss," grabbed his attention.

Chakotay's head swung round in the direction they had come from. In the crowd where near a thousand people had gathered at the memorial service by invitation, there had been many faces he hadn't seen during the ceremonies, not helped by the fact that they had all been sat in chairs on the lawn set out in neat rows. One of those faces he should have expected to see was Tuvok's, and the other, of course was Gretchen Janeway, both of which were now stood only meters away from him. He felt compelled to go over to them, knowing that their grief was the closest to his out of almost everyone one else there, but then his eyes drifted to the small child held in Gretchen's arms, and he stopped himself.

He wanted to walk away then, but his attention was uncontrollably drawn to the child which he knew instantly was his and one of the two pieces of evidence which now remained of his love for Kathryn. Silently he hoped that Gretchen would turn a little so that he could see that baby's face, and he considered moving a little closer. He had never before been this near to his daughter, and the back of his mind wondered to where the other one was. Then Kathryn's mother, perhaps sensing she was being watched, looked straight across at him, her eyes fixing on him with a penetrating look he felt uncomfortable in receiving. Instinctively he averted his gaze from them, and not knowing what else to do he turned and walked away.

Everyone was moving into a large and grand building further up the walkway for the wake, but he walked in the opposite direction to the tide of people as quickly as he could, knowing that he had to be away from there as quickly as possible.

-

"Here you are!" B'Elanna said as she stepped into the lounge with Miral in her arms, "we didn't know where you'd gone… I couldn't find you throughout the entire wake!"

"Sorry B'Elanna," he stood from the sofa which he had been sat in now for over two hours and out of the corner of his eye saw Tom lingering by the doorway.

"Why did you leave without telling me?"

"I didn't have time to find you," he excused himself, "I couldn't be there anymore… everyone was looking at me as if either they didn't know me, or I had done something wrong."

She shifted Miral a little and shook her head, "everyone was glad to see you there Chakotay," she insisted. "No one thinks that you've done anything wrong for leaving… and if a few people don't understand, well it's none of their business."

He was silent a moment, "thank you B'Elanna," he said gratefully. Before B'Elanna could offer him more words of consolation, Miral started to squirm in her arms, and knowing that the small girl was tired from such an eventful day she explained that she was going to put her to bed for a nap, and left the room.

When she was gone his eyes moved up to the man who watching him silently from the doorway, their eyes met and locked and Chakotay knew instantly this was the confrontation that they had been building up to over the past two days.

"You really don't think you've done anything wrong do you?" Tom said, his words careful and well measured.

Chakotay's jaw set, angry that Tom had the nerve to comment on something which had nothing to do with him. "Kathryn knew she was pregnant when she left me," he explained simply, wanting to make no excuses for his actions.

"You really are a self-righteous son of a bitch," he pulled a disgusted face, "you actually think you're completely blameless."

"I don't understand what you're trying to blame me for," he offered helplessly.

"She never wanted you to leave," Tom said, his words sounding cryptic. "You weren't here during the pregnancy, through the complications, when the doctors told her to terminate, when she spent the last month in hospital fighting to bring your children to term. She needed you then, someone to talk to, to worry with her… but you didn't even answer her calls."

His mouth hung open, "I didn't realise she'd had any problems."

"The fact that they were born six weeks early didn't sound any alarm bells for you?" he chided, "she acted like she didn't care or expect you to come when they arrived, but I think I'd known her long enough to see through that command mask and recognise her disappointment; she was devastated that you couldn't swallow your pride for a short visit to at least just see your daughters.

"I've seen Kathryn take on enemies single handed, throw herself as a shield to protect someone she barely knows, sacrifice herself to the Borg, and don't forget I was there when she command a Starship through the most dangerous areas of space alone for seven years. But I have to say, I think she found her first few months with those two babies one of the most difficult experiences of her life. She never blamed or hated you though, she defended you and ignored the unflattering rumours, but do you know something Chakotay? I will never forgive you for what you put her through, especially now it's too late to do a damn thing about it!"

Chakotay stood in shocked silence, slowly starting to understand not just Tom's distance towards him, but that of many other people who had been at the memorial service. "Kathryn never said…"

"Because you never spoke with her, you were too busy finding yourself, and getting on with your own life that you didn't take the time to find out how she was doing."

"I'm sorry…"

"Who are you apologising to?" Tom interrupted, "I don't care."

"Tom." A woman's voice entered the scene and they turned to see the half Klingon step into the room, placing a hand on her husband's shoulder. "This isn't any of our business," obviously they had already spoken at great length about the situation.

"I think it's become our business," he lowered his voice, but the anger was still hidden in his tone, "and the sooner he's gone the better."

"Don't say that," her voice was soft and surprised Chakotay, usually when there was any kind of conflict, it brought out her Klingon side… her kindness and patience wasn't something he was used to seeing. "He just needs time."

"He's had time… the past year and a half in fact."

Chakotay realised he didn't have a clue what they were talking about. He had seen them talking quietly together when they thought he wasn't paying attention, and although he got the distinct impression they were keeping something important from him up until now he had no desire to find out what.

"What's going on?" he interrupted their private debate.

Both sets of eyes turned instantly on him as if they'd forgotten he was still standing there. Then they turned to each other as if to communicate what to tell him before looking back in his direction. B'Elanna spoke first, "Chakotay, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Tom and I are Ellie and Layla's god parents."

He shot them both a blank expression, "I guess it makes sense, she was always very fond of you."

Tom looked away, but B'Elanna went on, "we've been left with legal custody of the children. At the moment they're with Kathryn's mother, and her sister's helping to look after them, but eventually we're going to take on responsibility for them."

He was slowly starting to understand what she was saying, "you want me to raise them."

The woman surprised him, "no, we've already decided to bring them into our home. I was just hoping that you might take some time to get to know them before you leave."

A lump caught in Chakotay's throat, the thought of knowing his children whilst Kathryn was alive was difficult enough, but to know them in her death was certain to cause him more pain than ever. "I'm not sure if I can…" he said slowly.

"I told you this was a waste of time to bring it up with him," Tom burst out.

"Please, just let me…" she tried to settle her husband but trailed off and trained her attention back on Chakotay, "the next transport to Phatar isn't for another few days. Take an hour or two, tomorrow morning to visit the twins in Indiana, at least if you've seen them you can know how you feel about them."

He considered her suggestion, "what if I feel nothing?"

B'Elanna looked at him a long moment, and for the first time that he had known her he was at a complete loss as to what she was thinking. Finally her shoulders sagged, "then I guess Tom was right," she said before slowly turning and leaving the room, Tom following not that far behind.

_To be continued_


	13. Chapter 13

I've updated quickly to try and get to the point where you can all see where this is going a little sooner. Sorry to upset some of the hardcore Janeway fans out there (of which I also like to consider myself), but there were warnings, I even dropped a big hint at one point that basically said what would happen... well, I suppose I could find a way to bring her back... if you really and truly want me to?

_Chapter 13: Nothing To Prove_

The last time Chakotay had approached the old farm house in Indiana it had been as Kathryn's boyfriend and then he had been tense about her family accepting him. This time, his only concern was of being rejected admittance at the front door, so with each second he waited on the porch, his anticipation grew, as did the temptation to walk back. Finally he heard someone on the other side of the heavy wooden door, shortly before it opened, the hinges creaking in protest as Gretchen was revealed to him.

She paled at seeing him, and he was certain it was because his presence was a reminder of the daughter she'd lost only days previously. His own misery at losing Kathryn was intense and almost unbearable at times, so he could just about imagine what her mother was going through to lose her a second time. "I'm sorry to just drop by like this," he said cautiously after they had spent a moment weighing each other up, "but I was worried if I called you might turn me away before I'd had a chance to explain myself."

Gretchen nodded solemnly, "B'Elanna said you might stop by sometime before you left for Phatar," she surprised him and stepped back in order to invite him into her house.

He entered Kathryn's old family home, remembering how happy and full of life it had been on his last visit, and aware of the gloom that now hung thickly in the air. He turned to her mother with a helpless look, his main concern had been getting into the house, considering that had been so easy he was at a loss of what to do next.

"They're in the den with Will," she pointed down the hallway, before a pained looked overcame her face and she hurried into the kitchen on the left.

Chakotay stood still with uncertainty, unsure if he should follow after Gretchen to see if she was okay, and to offer her what comfort he could, or if he should take her directions to the den. He realised that to console her was not his place, and even if it was, he didn't know if he could overcome his own grief to help her deal with hers. Pushing back such thoughts, as he was sure they would break him if he was to indulge in them, he walked slowly down the hall way, his footfalls steady but soft.

William, Gretchen's partner, was sat in an armchair reading contently to himself, he looked up when Chakotay appeared in the doorway, but their gazes never met as Chakotay's eyes drifted instantly to the two girls playing contently with one another on the rug. The elderly man stood from his chair and without a word crossed the room over to the door, where he placed a hand briefly on the other man's shoulder as he passed through and left him alone to meet his children.

For a long while he hesitated, unsure that he could go an closer. The idea of knowing them when Kathryn was alive had been a painful experience he had wilfully avoided, but to know them in her death… he could only imagine how much harder this was going to be. He decided that as he had come this far, to not at least introduce himself would be cheating and something he would always regret, she with great force, he moved further into the room.

Neither girl noticed his arrival, as both were both engrossed with the toys they had in front of them, and it was only when he was a few feet away that Layla finally looked up with curiosity. Their eyes met and his heart could have stopped and melted right then and there as he saw their mother etched in her face. "Hello," he said, struggling to find his voice as he knelt carefully on the floor before them both, "my name's Chakotay… I'm your father."

He knew they couldn't understand him, but he had their attention as he found both sets of eyes upon him. He was dumbfounded a long moment, unsure how to continue, or if he really could, his heart ached at knowing these two little girls was all that was left of his love for Kathryn. Tears welled up in his eyes, and they both looked at him curiously, "I'm sorry," he said, breaking down into sobs as he uttered the words, burying his face in his hands at what he had done.

Ellie didn't leave him to wallow in self pity for long, soon she started to cry, out of empathy for her father, and then Layla fitted with crying from despair at seeing the other two. Chakotay wiped back his tears with the back of his hand, his sadness now confused with helplessness of what to do. Layla came instinctively to him, not with braveness or recognition that he was someone she could depend on, but only with the hope that he could comfort her. As she forced her way onto his lap he found he had no option but to wrap his arms around her.

She was heavier than he had expected, and yet so much more delicate than he had ever imagined. Her sobs quelled, and he looked over at Ellie who was also crying silently. Spirits she looked so much like her mother, the jaw line, the brow, her lips and nose all resonated with Kathryn's influence. He saw himself in there too, but in features that could have belonged to anyone. As he studied her he realised she was doing the same with him, watching the stranger carefully, her face filled with puzzlement of who he was.

Finally he reached out a hand to her, resting his palm on the top of her head, his thumb moving soothingly over her dark hair. She had stopped crying altogether now and after one final curious look at him she returned her attention back to her toys. It was an odd sight to see, and Chakotay struggled to understand how someone could flicker so easily between moods. Layla too was now quiet and calm, her head rested against his chest, a thumb in her mouth and her eyes rested shut.

Feeling a pain down his legs he realised that kneeling on the floor was no longer as easy as it had been when he was young, so lifting the child with him he took a seat in the arm chair which had previously been occupied by William. Layla sat contently in his arms, and Ellie continued playing as if he was and had never been there.

He dabbed at his face, surprised that it was still wet with tears, and although his outburst from moments ago was subdued, he continued to cry silently. When he had heard of Kathryn's death his world had collapsed, but by the time he had arrived on Earth his new reality had started to establish itself and the knowledge that she wouldn't be coming back had sunk in. Now he found himself struggling to accept a completely new concept, something that had been at the back of his mind, but had never come into his conscious thoughts; that although he had lost the love of his life, these two girls had lost the only parent that they had ever known, and if he left them, they would be as good as orphaned.

It was only then that he made the decision which would change the course of the rest of his life, and would give it the meaning he had been searching for through Kathryn, as this time he would not walk out and abandon his children. He was now filled with a determination to make up for the time he had lost with his daughters, and to become the father and provide the life that they deserved. "I will never leave you," he promised, his voice barely a whisper and eyes fixed on Ellie, he turned to look at Layla, but found her fast asleep on his lap, "I promise."

V

After that day when Chakotay had first seen his two daughters, he spent the next couple of weeks getting to know them. He found himself visiting Gretchen's house one or twice almost every day until finally she had grown tired of constantly answering the door to him and asked him to stay. He would have declined her offer only days previously, but she treated him with a guarded friendliness that he had started to feel comfortable with, and so he accepted. At the back of his mind he was aware that Tom was eager to see the back of him and welcome the children into his own home, but he knew B'Elanna was holding out, waiting to see what he did before they started to move the two little girls about. If he was honest with himself he didn't know what he wanted to do, on the one hand he would have liked nothing more than to stay on Earth and be with his daughters, but on the other hand he knew he needed to return and finish his PhD, and he didn't want to entertain the thought of moving Layla and Ellie away from the only family they had known. He couldn't do that to Gretchen, especially after she had lost her daughter.

It was his third day at the farm house, but this was the first time that Phoebe had decided to pay a visit. After the memorial service he was aware of a bad air that had grown between them, in fact, he was half certain she had never really liked him that much anyway. When she had seen him at her home she had shot him a look of distrust and loathing, but like her sister her face had become an unreadable mask and she had acknowledge him with a courteous nod of her head. In company they had behaved pleasantly enough towards one another, Chakotay was genuine, but he could tell that Phoebe's behaviour was out of a desire not to upset her mother any further.

At some point that evening, after the girls had grown tired and been put to bed, and the boys had gone on a night time nature hunt in the fields surrounding the house with William, their father and a lot of torches, Chakotay found himself alone with Phoebe. Gretchen was busying herself in the kitchen, whilst Chakotay stood outside at the back of the house with a glass of wine, enjoying the company of the stars when he became aware of a presence behind him. She stood with one hand on the door frame, and the other on her him, with a glare on her face that could have challenged Kathryn, "you have a nerve turning up like this," she said coldly, moving from the door and crossing over towards him.

He realised she was trying to intimidate him, and although he had to admit she was scary when she was angry, her sister was far worse and through Kathryn he had become immune. "Phoebe, I get the feeling even if I had stuck around and raised my children part-time like everyone seems to think I should have done, that you still wouldn't like me."

She seemed irritated that her glares were having no effect on him, and that he could reply so calmly and pleasantly. "I might not like you a little less," she shot back.

Chakotay studied her carefully, "perhaps…"

"When are you planning to leave?" she rested against the railings of the veranda.

"I'm not sure if I will," he said honestly.

His answer was most unsatisfactory, he could tell by the way she raised an eyebrow, "you're like a child Chakotay… unsure of what you want, but wanting everything at the same time. My sister tolerated it because she thought she'd done you some terrible wrong over the years, but she's not here any more to put up with you… is she?"

"What do you want me to do?" he asked her flatly.

"I want you to leave and pretend like you were never here. I want you to stay out of our lives and most importantly out of the lives of Kathryn's daughters."

"I don't think I can do that."

"Well you asked me what I wanted," she eyed him carefully, "but you never seem to do the right thing… Always so concerned with yourself and your own problems, you never took the time to really look at what Kathryn was going through when you were here, and didn't care of ask when you left."

"I loved her," he defended, his voice harsh and rising just a little, "for over nine years I have loved her like no one else before in my life. I would have died for her, and knowing that she's gone without me is the worst pain I have ever known. She rejected me damn it, and still I forgive her and continue to love her and hurt in her absence, and to know that I can never make it up to her is almost enough to stop me breathing."

"I hope you don't think that staying here and taking responsibility for Ellie and Layla will make up for anything?" she warned him, despite his anguish and sadness she still found room to be callous and malicious.

"No," he met her gaze steadily, "but I intend to start correcting some of the mistakes I have made."

Phoebe clenched her jaw, annoyed beyond everything else that he still thought he could make everything okay, that he could still stand tall as if he had never hurt Kathryn in the same way and to the same degree he claimed she to him. "Did you know she was pregnant when she died?" she said, knowing that she was about to administer a blow to his spirit which would get him down off from his high horse. He turned to her, stunned, a fear held in his eyes of what she would say next. "She was so determined to protect you, to save you any more difficulty and guilt that she wasn't even going to tell you this time."

"You're lying," he said shakily.

"Am I?" finally she had succeeded in breaking him, and she felt confident she could manipulate him now into leaving for good out of shame. "I know about you're affair on deep space four. How you rekindled whatever love you had left for one another… She had no doubt the child was yours, but I'm sure you would have quelled any of your own suspicions in exchange for a quieter life."

"We were making plans to be together, she would have told me," he insisted.

Phoebe rolled her eyes, and Chakotay realised that Kathryn suppressed a similar part of her personality which her sister was now openly embracing. He could understand what scared people so much about Kathryn sometimes, because they could see this hiding behind her eyes when she glared at them… a natural ability to know exactly what to say to wound and how to say it in order to manipulate. Kathryn had learnt to harness it in such a way as to make her a strong leader and a convincing diplomat, but he knew her heart would never unleash it so easily as her sister did. "_You_ were making plans," she corrected, now knowing she was inventing, "Caleb knew about the baby and had decided to father it."

Chakotay didn't think he could stand for much more, if she was making it up then she was truly cruel, if it was the truth then he had committed an injustice to Kathryn to make her think he should care so little. "It doesn't matter now, it's already done," he pulled on a mask of indifference, ashamed that he had already allowed her to see so much of his reaction to what she'd told him. She turned her chin up, but he wasn't finished. "I can see you love your family and friends, especially your sister, and that you're weary of any outsider and quick to defend those you love, but I'll be damned if I let you or anyone push me out of the lives of my children."

He didn't need to say anymore, he left her standing alone and flabbergasted at the back of the house as me made his way back inside to the warmth of the kitchen and the friendly and gentle company of her mother. He preferred to remember Kathryn as an entity like Gretchen, not Phoebe.

V

_One week later._

B'Elanna and Tom sat at their kitchen table as Chakotay twitched nervously opposite them. "What's this about?" B'Elanna asked, careful not to get her hopes up.

He looked at both their faces, B'Elanna's warm and inviting him to go on, Tom's impassive and cautious, but he had no idea how they were going to react to what he was going to tell them. "I've decided to return to Phatar and finish my work," he announced at last, deciding that like a plaster (band aid), it was always quicker to get it over and done with quickly. Tom's expression didn't change, but he could see a look of disappointment in B'Elanna's eyes as she opened her mouth to speak, but he wasn't quite finished. "I'd like to take the girls back with me."

The short moment that it took them to process what he was saying stretched out for an eternity, but an eternity it wasn't, and all too quickly he saw their reactions. B'Elanna now looked stunned with surprise, but Tom suddenly stood, his chair screeching back as he did so, "no way!" he thundered with a firmness and an authority that had never been there years ago.

"Tom," she reached out for his hand, "we should at least hear him out." She turned back to her old friend, concern now in her eyes, "have you thought this through properly Chakotay?"

"Yes," he said adamantly, "and no," he sighed, "I have to go back. I didn't just take the position to get away from Kathryn, I took it because it's something I've always wanted to do, and I've discovered I enjoy my work out there just as much, perhaps more than I thought I would. And the girls… I can't leave them, not now I know them. The only solution that makes sense to me is to take them with me."

"And who will care for them?" B'Elanna said, wanting to ensure he had considered the technicalities.

"There are childcare facilities, plenty of other children… It might take me longer to qualify, and I can move back when I have, but I need them with me now, I owe that much to Kathryn."

The last comment swung it for B'Elanna, she knew it was what her former captain would have wanted, for her daughters to grow up with their father, but she also knew it would take Tom some convincing. "You can be a part of their lives when you qualify then," Tom said after a beat.

Because Chakotay had never claimed his daughters when they were born, and because there was solid legal documentation committing the care of Elliot and Layla to the couple before him, he knew he would need consent from both of them to be allowed even to see them. "I want you to give me full custody of them," he said, although knowing he might be pushing it as far as Tom was concerned.

"And if either of us say no, will you challenge us?" Tom eyed him carefully.

Chakotay had already considered that, and his eyes dropped sadly, "no."

"Then you can't possibly want them that badly!" the other man raised his voice, "fight for something Chakotay. For once in your life, if there was ever anything worth fighting for, surely it's those two little girls."

He raised his eyes to look Tom square in the face, "and would a legal battle be some sort of test? If I went all the way through with it, would I win my children back, even if I lost the battle, because I had proved myself?" Now he stood from his chair, "I have nothing to prove to you," he said fiercely, with a power and stubbornness that he rarely showed.

"You have everything to prove," Tom returned.

"Not to you."

"It would seem otherwise, because I'm the one standing between you and your daughters."

"What makes you so self-righteous Paris? Don't forget I knew you when you were an outcast, a mercenary, a traitor!"

"I've become a better man. I'm not sure what you are anymore."

"Shut the hell up!" B'Elanna shouted with a Klingon dominance and temper he thought she might have lost. Now she rose from her seat, glaring at both men who had done as instructed out of a respectful fear of what she was capable of doing when her full ferocity was not so well harnessed. "I can't take it anymore, will the two of you please stop this power play? This argument is not ours to continue or ours to finish," she turned to her husband with a warning look, then looked back across at Chakotay, her gaze on him unfaltering. "What will you do if we don't give up the girls to you?" she asked, worried if this did turn into a legal blood bath for the media attention it would attract and the distraction from the children it would cause.

"I'll stay on Earth," he said simply, "until I've won your confidence to allow me to raise them myself."

"You're really willing to take sole responsibility for them?" she sounded worried, not that he would say yes, but that if he did he would say it blindly, and struggled to cope.

"I know it will take time, and that I would need help before I could return alone with them to Phatar, but yes, eventually I would want sole responsibility."

B'Elanna looked to her husband, who now looked uncertain of what to make of Chakotay's proposal. "We'll have to discuss this between ourselves," she said slowly, "I hope you mean what you're saying Chakotay, it will be the most difficult think you've even done in your life, but I promise it will also be the most rewarding."

He felt there was nothing more he could say to convince them of his sincerity. So he left without another word.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14: Done it Again  
_

_Two years, ten months_

With tired eyes Chakotay looked at the clock to see it was four in the morning, and he sighed wearily. He had been up all that night, and the night before caring for his two sick daughters, and had only managed to catch a few hours sleep in-between. Every now and again his head would fall back against the head board of his bed which he was sat up against, and he would fall asleep, only to be rudely awoken a few minutes later by Ellie who was rested in his arms. He had taken them to the doctor on Phatar on three occasions, but each time had been told the same thing: the virus wasn't dangerous, and that they would just have to ride it out. Although he was assured they would be fine, he wasn't sure that _he_ would be at this rate.

Layla lay on top of his duvet to the left of him, partially tucked under the blankets he had taken from her crib. Her head was covered in a sheen of sweat, and her brows were burrowed, but she slept through it, although rather unsteadily. If Ellie was anything like her sister, Chakotay would not have had a problem, but she wasn't; she refused to sleep, couldn't be calmed and kept him awake with her crying and occasional yelling. Gretchen had told him Kathryn had always had a problem with Ellie, the poor child had been unsettled the moment she was born and it was her opinion that Layla was only so quiet because with such a loud sibling she felt unable to compete. He felt he had to agree.

"Please be quiet sweetheart," he begged the toddler desperately, "just for a few hours."

He gazed down at his daughter, and as always whenever he looked at either of his girls he was reminded of Kathryn, especially with Ellie. At first it had been difficult to be given that constant reminder of the woman he had loved and lost, but over the months he had known his daughters he had gotten used to it and embraced it as well as he could. It was times like this though, when he felt he wasn't coping and a large part of him wanted to give up, that he most felt Kathryn's absence and hurt at their loss.

He wasn't the sort of man to dwell on what-ifs or to hold regrets, but now he deeply regretted having left, as he had missed out on precious time with Kathryn, (even if he had have spent that time only as her friend). He wondered about what if he had have stayed on Earth, if she would still be alive, if they could have worked things out, if they would have stayed up together into the early hours of the morning caring for their sick children, or if she would have died anyway and then he would still be alone. He didn't like to allow his mind to move to such thoughts, but it did, all the time, and the worst thing was that he knew he couldn't do anything to change their past.

Ellie quietened when she saw her father crying; it was like the first time they had seen each other all over again. He didn't realise what was happening at first, the pressure of the moment had overwhelmed him so much that he couldn't have said what day of the week it was if he had been asked. Then he reached up to his face, ashamed to realise there were tears strolling down his cheeks, he swallowed past the lump in his throat and tried to think of anything but that day he had heard of her death and how his world had collapsed. He had been rebuilding himself since, but it took time, and there were the occasional step-backs like he knew tonight would be, but he could see a horizon where he knew everything would be okay, as long as he had his two little girls.

"Daddy?" Ellie's voice could have been mistaken for worry, but he knew she was too young to have concerns about other people, she was simply scared.

"It's okay," he reassured her, "daddy's fine, I'm alright."

She looked confused, maybe thinking that it was only her and Layla who were supposed to cry. She wriggled a little in his arms and he pulled her up so that she was standing, supported in his grasp on his lap. They gazed at each other a long while, and he smiled at her to reaffirm that everything was as it should be, before pulling her to his chest and held her close to him. He pressed his lips to the top of her head before resting it under his chin. "Hush," he said in a voice that could have calmed a raging beast, "go to sleep."

Even Ellie had her bounds, and despite her illness, exhaustion finally claimed her and soon she fell asleep in his arms. When he realised her head had gone floppy and her breathing had slowed he moved her carefully to a space beside him on his bed and ducked her under her blankets. He lay down on his side, and in the dim lamp light he watched his two daughters before him, although sad that their mother was no longer with them, also feeling the luckiest man alive to be father to such beautiful girls. With that last pleasant thought he closed his eyes and drifted into an easy and restful slumber.

V

_Three years, eight months_

"What's your name?"

Chakotay was rushed and flustered and although his daughters 'why' 'how' and 'who' stage was draining, he always tried to make the time to answer their many questions. "My name's daddy," he said quickly, his concentration centred on not dropping the box he had just carried from upstairs and resting it next to the collection in the living room.

"That's not what other people call you," Layla went on persistently, although to the untrained ear her words would have gone un-interpreted.

Allowing his arms a moment to recover from the strain he started to look around the room, deciding what to do next, "other people aren't as special as you and Ellie."

"Daddy!" She demanded.

Finally he looked down at the little girl who had followed him from the bottom of the stairs and chuckled heavily, "my name's Chakotay," he relented, "can you say that? Cha- Ko- Tay."

Layla attempted to repeat her father's name, only to his further amusement. Forgetting for a moment all the packing he had to do that afternoon he swept her from the floor and up into his arms, "close enough," he told her after her second repetition, then placed a kiss to her cheek, "I love you," he told her. She didn't seem to notice his words as she continued to sound his name out.

Chakotay frowned as he looked around the room, "where's Ellie?" he asked after his other daughter.

Layla shrugged, before feeling herself bouncing with his footfalls as he carried her out of the room in search for her sister. "Ellie," he called out, "where are you?"

She didn't answer him, and a small part of him started to panic as she was at the age where she often wondered off in favour of exploring and he worried that she might put herself in danger one day. It didn't take him long to locate her, and so overwhelmed with relief was he at seeing her sitting on the floor in his office, that it took him a while to realise the scattered papers, fallen piles of books and the fact she had managed to open a desk drawer he usually kept locked.

"Elliot!" He yelled, startling her as she quickly turned to face him, looking instantly guilty, "what are you doing in here? You know you're not supposed to come into my office without me." There were several reasons he had made that rule, but other than wanting a place where he could be alone every now and again, it was also dangerous for them to be in there as he had various tools and pieces of equipment about the place, and although he kept it out of reach of them, they were becoming every more ingenious each day at finding ways of getting it.

She didn't say anything, then he noticed she had started to go through the contents of the bottom drawer he must have forgotten to lock. He would have been angry but the various pictures which now lay all over the floor caught his attention and he stopped himself. "Who's that?" Layla asked, having seen the same pictures and pointing to a large one by Ellie's side.

Chakotay was speechless a moment, he saw that although Layla was as usual unperturbed by his outburst, Ellie looked worried that she had done something unforgivable. Carefully he placed Layla down on the ground as he knelt beside Ellie, "you don't recognise her?" he said absently, picking up the picture that had been pointed at and gazing down at it, transfixed by Kathryn's smile captured in it.

Ellie frowned as if a distant memory was perhaps claiming her, but Layla who had no concern for anything but the present spoke up, "no."

Suddenly it was Chakotay who felt guilty, he had hidden the pictures away at a time when looking at them had only haunted him. They had stayed in his desk draw completely undisturbed for months now, but for once he was able to look at them with a fondness he had never before felt capable of holding. "This is your mother," he said quietly.

They knew what a mother was, but having lost theirs before they had been able to form any real memories of her, the concept that they had ever had one was beyond them both. "Where's she?" Layla went on.

Chakotay frowned, they were too young to understand what had happened, "she's with the spirits," he told them.

"Where they?" Again, Layla had a question to every answer.

He put down the picture he was holding, and picked up another, this one was of them both, taken by a photographer who had walked around a restaurant in New York. They had posed willingly, and been given a copy on a memory stick immediately. It would have been a few months after their return to Earth, and although he knew it had been the wrong time for her to be with him, she looked so happy that he could almost convince himself that she hadn't been riddled with guilt and struggling with all the changes of their return.

"They're not in this world," he replied, his attention not really where Layla wanted it.

"On Earth?" now Ellie spoke, and with the surprise of her question his eyes quickly darted to her to see an excited little face. Both Layla and Ellie knew that they would soon be leaving this planet, for another one named Earth, and he realised he had unwittingly raised their hopes that they might meet their mother.

"No," he said quickly, "they're in a world we can't see."

"Why don't she visit?" Ellie asked, "gramma visits."

Chakotay sighed, "she can't," and then he told her what he always tried to avoid saying, "you'll understand one day."

"What's her name?" Layla returned to her favourite topic of the week: knowing everyone's names.

"Her name's mummy," he told her, only to receive a frustrated look as Layla realised that again she was being fooled.

"Mike has mummy," she protested, "and daddy; what's _real_ name?"

There was no fooling her. He looked into her determined face, seeing so much of her mother's resilience in there, "Kathryn," he said at last, "Ka- thryn."

Layla was content to stand a repeat the name, but Ellie looked up at him and he was half certain that she was almost concerned at the effect seeing the pictures was having on him. "She's pretty isn't she?" he tilted the photo so the girls could see, addressing Ellie as he did so, "you know you look a lot like her?"

"Really?" the relaxed manner in which he now spoke seemed to settle her anxiety.

"Yes," he confirmed with a small reassuring smile, "you and you sister in fact. She's the reason you're both so beautiful."

"Whys you sad?"

Somehow Ellie had picked up on his changed mood but he decided not to pretend otherwise, "because I loved her very much," he knew she wouldn't understand at such a young age, but she looked almost as if she could.

V

_Four years, five months_

As Chakotay had always said he would, he moved back to Earth when he had started writing up his PhD, much to the relief of his friends and Gretchen Janeway who was ecstatic to have her granddaughters close to her again. He could sense Phoebe's dismay to having to see him again at first, but over the months he had been back on Earth, she had learnt to tolerate him and he could almost say they were growing fond of one another. He hadn't intended to stay in San Francisco, but after a few weeks at the Janeway family home in Indiana Gretchen had suggested that he move into the house he had shared with Kathryn all those years ago.

He half suspected that Gretchen had kept it empty just in the hope that he might want to live there some day, and to his surprise he found that Kathryn had kept the house in both their names after he had left, and so there was no paper work to be done for him to move in. Despite his reluctance to return to that home where he had thought he would start to build a life with Kathryn, his weeks of unsuccessful house searching had led him back to San Francisco.

Chakotay walked through the park with his two young daughters. Ellie was happy to run on ahead, taking time to stop and look in wonder at anything of interest. Layla however held onto his hand, chatting away as she made observations of their surroundings. The girls couldn't remember a fall, and on the planet they had lived on before the weather had always been the same: sunny, warm and mild, so to see leaves that had fallen from the trees and to have to wear coats was something they found novel and exciting.

"What bird's that?" Layla pointed up at a tree above them.

"A robin," he answered after squinting in the direction she had pointed.

"Like in the story?" she asked rhetorically, so he simply nodded, "if I was a bird, I'd want to be a robin, with a red belly and I could fly all day… where do birds sleep daddy?"

"In trees," he answered, "high above the ground so that the cats can't get them."

Layla chirped on, like he bird in the story had, and whilst listening Chakotay glanced his eyes around to see where Ellie was. It took him a moment to locate her, and he realised that despite his instructions she had wondered off the path and was crouched by a pond. He crossed over the grass, and smothered a small smile when he saw Layla's reluctance to walk on the wet and muddy ground, but she did so anyway preferring it to the alternative of being alone.

"Ooh, there's fish in there daddy," Layla, ever the unnecessary running commentator pointed at the shapes below the water surface.

"Be careful you don't fall in," Chakotay warned Ellie who was right by the edge.

"I am careful," she said without looking round, her gaze transfixed on the silver and gold fish swimming through the water, one came up close to where she was, and he saw her hands flinch as if wanting to reach out and touch it, but then she seemed to consider the danger and withdrew her hand, deciding it was best just to watch.

"Can we have a fish daddy?" Layla asked.

"For dinner?" he mocked an evil voice.

"No daddy, as a pet!" Layla raised her voice.

Chakotay raised an eyebrow at her tone, "if you still want one in a week then I'll consider it."

"I want one now!"

The game was starting to turn sour, and recognising when Layla was about to go into a huff he shot her a warning look, "no."

The little girl folded her arms and pulled a horrible face, before looking away from him. He knew she would continue hating him for about another five minutes before the urge to start talking again would overwhelm her and she would forget all about her mood and start chatting again as if nothing had happened. So he never worried about telling her off, or saying no to her. Ellie however he had to be much more careful with, as she felt everything very deeply and took everything that he said personally. If she was paid a compliment she would remember it for days, but so would she remember if someone had told her off, and worry about it for many nights afterwards. In Ellie he saw a kindred spirit, a thinker, and in Layla he saw a challenge, just like Kathryn had been.

Finally Ellie lost her interest in the fish, or perhaps sensed her sister's impatience at standing there, so she took his other hand and together they moved back onto the path of the park.

When finally they reached the stretch of road up towards the house, Chakotay was quick to realise a figure lurking by the front door. He kept a cautious eye on the man, who seemed to be pacing agitatedly on the street just outside his house. When they got a little closer and he realised it was none other than Tom Paris he dropped his guard, but not his worry. Tom turned at hearing the voices of Layla and Ellie but his eyes quickly fixed on Chakotay, "where the hell have you been?" he yelled across the street, "I've been trying to get hold of you for the past two hours!"

The two girls instantly shut up at the outburst and Chakotay felt their walking slow up a little, usually they would have been so thrilled to see Tom that they would have run straight to him, but they, like their father noticed his distress and were concerned at his behaviour. "We've been to the park," he said calmly, now only feet away from the visitor, "what's happened?"

Tom looked as if he wasn't sure whether to cry or burst into laughter, his breathing was erratic not from exhaustion but from nerves and he couldn't seem to keep still. "She's alive," he said quickly.

Chakotay's frown deepened as he came to a stop before Tom, "who?"

The pilot felt like hitting the other man for his stupidity, "Kathryn!" he shouted out, "she's fucking done it again!"

His jaw dropped at the news, and so did Layla and Ellie's at the language their usually very polite and good humoured godfather was using. "I don't understand…"

He let out a long breath as if finally telling Chakotay had released a tension he had been holding all the way from New Port. "You'd better let me into the house and I'll explain."

Chakotay reached into his pocket and removed his set of keys, noticing his hands were shaking a little he willed them to stop so that he could open his front door. The girls climbed up the stone steps to the house and walked in ahead of their father who was closely followed by Tom. In the hallway the girls started to remove their Wellington boots, but Chakotay indicated that he and Tom head straight into the kitchen. "Girls, play in the lounge a while, your uncle Tom and I would like some undisturbed time to talk."

They both nodded obediently, although not understanding what was going on, old enough to understand that not all was as it should be, and that in such circumstances, it was always best to do just as instructed by their father.

Tom closed the kitchen door behind him, and watched a moment as his friend rested both hands on the back of a chair and hung his head in order to gather himself together. "What's going on Tom?" he looked up at last when he felt ready to be told everything.

"I'm not entirely sure, but my father called as soon as he heard through the usual channels, and I'm coming straight to you so that you're up to speed as much as anyone else." The words tumbled out of his mouth, each one eager to be spoken, his mind wanting to get right to the point, but he knew some background information was required first. "You remember The Incident two years ago?"

"Of course!" Chakotay said impatiently, as that was what they referred to it these days.

"The ship was attacked, and somehow they wounded the attackers enough to make them back off, but the vessel was too damaged and when they realised the warp core was about to breach Enfield and Kathryn rushed everybody off the vessel in the hope that they could avert a warp core overload…" he started by repeating the facts of the incident, "we thought that they got caught trapped in the blast Chakotay! The debris was scattered so far that there were no surprises when they didn't find any remains. But they were wrong, we all were, the Remans weren't attacking randomly, they targeted the ship knowing that the ambassador and admiral were onboard. Kathryn probably thought they'd backed off, but they were just waiting for the shields to be lowered so that power could be transferred, as soon as it was done they returned and transported them both off the ship."

"Spirits," Chakotay said, pulling out a chair and sitting himself down.

"Maybe if she had have been left to finish she could have saved the warp core… I don't know, but the point is she's still alive!"

So many thoughts were rushing through his mind at that moment he didn't know which to hold onto first. What Tom was saying suddenly changed everything, his whole world was being turned upside down all over again, and he was absolutely speechless as to what to say. "Where is she?" he found his voice at last.

"She's on Remus," he was coming to the end of his knowledge of this matter, "apparently the Romulans have known about it all for some time, but the Reman government finally contacted the federation a few days ago… they're wanting to make some sort of deal for the ambassador and admiral's return."

"Is she well?" he knew stories about Romulan and Reman captives being mistreated, and after two years…

Tom shook his head apologetically, "my father couldn't say, they don't know much other than the fact that she's still alive. We'll know more in a few days or weeks," he hesitated with his last piece of information, "one thing my dad could tell me is that this is going to be a long process. It's taken the Remans two years to come to the federation, they've obviously been waiting for something… and the demands they're probably going to make are going to go against a lot of the federation's rules and regulations. Kathryn's alive Chakotay, but she's not coming home for a long while."

Chakotay buried his face in his hands, this was almost too much to take-in in one go. It was still too early to think about the consequences of this news, and the repercussions it would have on all their lives, but one thing he did know, was that suddenly the world was a little less bleak than it had been before he'd seen Tom Paris outside his front door.

-

_Of course I wasn't really going to kill off Janeway... next update coming soon._


	15. Chapter 15

This chapter begins a while before the beginning of part three, and then will continue on after the future snapshot. I know most of you were a little annoyed that I 'killed' off Janeway, but hopefully this will start to make amends. Enjoy.

_Chapter 15: Like a Lifetime  
_

_Just under five years_

It was six in the morning and unable to get back to sleep Chakotay found himself standing by the entrance of his daughters' bedroom watching silently as they slept. The sun crept through the curtains and allowed just enough light into the room for him to see the faces of his children, looking so peaceful and beautiful that sometimes it was difficult to imagine what monsters they could be. They were blissfully unaware of the events that had transpired in the past few months, of the confusion that now surrounded their mother's not quite so simple escape from death and the sudden interest of the press in Kathryn's only two children.

Sometimes he thought they were the lucky ones, with hearts too young to break, souls too big to crush and hope so unfaltering that they could never be disappointed. Their entire childhood so far had been so full of loss and changes that he was worried they may never know it any differently. Elliot could tell that something was wrong, his heart went out to her the most as she felt so deeply that he was scared it would eventually effect the person she was becoming. Layla however was as ever unaware of the passing world around her, her only concern was of the now, and her only fear was of not having someone to talk at.

Kathryn was still alive, sort of. Tom's retelling of the events had been accurate, but a month later a revelation had changed his entire perception of what was going on. At the time Kathryn and the ambassador had been captured they had already suffered severe injuries, the Reman doctor had done his best, but without knowledge of human physiology he had done the only thing he thought best, and had placed them both in status. They had been in status now for over two and a half years, and although technically alive, there was no telling how bad the injuries they had sustained were without being able to examine them and the Remans weren't allowing anyone to do that. So Chakotay told his daughters nothing, for fear that telling them would only cause them unnecessary confusion, and perhaps later down the line… disappointment. The problem was what to tell other people when unknowingly they asked about the girls' mother, because the truth was she was neither alive or dead, she was somewhere in-between and the only certainty was that she was not there right now.

Movement in one of the beds told him that Ellie was finally awake after she had spent the past few minutes flinching and threatening to break loose from her slumber. With still tired eyes she pulled her cover back from her face and looked over at her father, who smiled kindly across at her as he made his was into the room.

"Good morning sleepy head," he said, as he sat down on the side of the bed.

She grumbled something before waking up more fully, "hi daddy."

He shot her a knowing look, "I have a feeling that there's something happening today… something important that concerns you and your sister, but I just can't think…"

Layla now turned in her bed and looked in the direction of her sister's bed which ran along side hers.

"What's that?" Ellie was always grouchy in the morning; she was an evening person.

"You don't know?" he put on a voice of surprise, "well, if you can't remember, and I can't remember, maybe it's not so important then…"

"Ooh," Layla was suddenly alert and awake, "it's our birthday!" she said as she pulled back her covers and sat up in her bed.

"It is?" Chakotay grinned, "no!"

"It is!" Layla jumped up to stand on her mattress, "it's our birthday, and that means presents and a party and a puppy!"

As Layla squealed excitedly, Ellie suddenly looked a little more awake at what her sister had said towards the end of her very breathless sentence. "A puppy?" it was the first time she'd heard of it.

Chakotay sighed, "Layla, I told you last night, we're not getting a puppy."

She frowned, "I don't want to share, I want a puppy all of my own!"

"Layla," he warned carefully, then turned back to his other daughter, "we're not getting a puppy," he said sternly, knowing it best to make it clear to Ellie first as she seemed much better at making her sister understand such concepts. "However, I have it on good authority that there's some presents downstairs for you both to open."

He'd hardly finished his sentence when the two girls darted from their beds and ran down the stairs, his words of 'be careful' no doubt lost in the excitement before he followed wearily after them. This would be a _long_ day.

V

_Five years, three months_

It was that afternoon when he'd received the call.

Erin sat at the end of his bed adjusting her bra, before reaching to the floor for her top and pulling it over her head. "I don't know how you can be so damn relaxed about it?" she sounded frustrated.

Chakotay chuckled lightly from the full length mirror he stood in front of as he buttoned up his shirt, "it's only Mrs Weaver," he said calmly, "she suspects everyone, and no one ever believes the drivel she comes out with."

"But they _do_ listen," she reminded him.

Realising that her panic was genuine, and knowing that there was nothing he could do to quell it he sighed heavily, "what do you want to do then?"

"I want you to show some concern!" she demanded.

He turned to look over at her. Erin was an argumentative woman, and although he was patient, sometimes he wondered if she ever left her husband if he could tolerate her on a more long-term basis. One thing he did know, was that if her husband did find out about them, he would no doubt feel so guilty that he would take her into his home and finding out for certain if he could put up with her was something he really didn't want to do. So for that reason he was concerned. "Then maybe we should just cool off for a while?" he suggested.

"No," she told him directly, "we'll just have to keep it a little more secretive."

Chakotay shrugged his shoulders, although she'd pushed the affair and refused to give up on it, she was always the one panicking about it.

He realised that he shouldn't have even considered a married woman, but he was lonely and the circumstances made her very convenient. She had no intention of leaving her husband, and because he didn't love her and could see no future with her, he made no complaints and was determined to enjoy it as long as it would last.

"I should probably head to the school first," she said, now fully dressed, "you should wait a while before you follow."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, "you think us leaving separately like we're guilty of something is going to cause less fuss than us walking out of this house together and collecting our children at the same time as if we were just two friends who just had coffee together?"

She shot him an annoyed expression, "perhaps I don't even want people to know we're friends."

Anger flashed across his eyes, he could deal with being subtle, of sneaking around, but not with being ignored altogether. "Fine," he said, deciding that it wasn't worth it to draw it out into an argument.

Erin looked as if she was about to make a remark at his attitude, but they both heard the comm. system activate at the same time which stunned them into an edgy silence.

"I'll let myself out," she called after him as they made their way out of his bedroom. She headed for the stairs and he made his way across the landing to his office.

Chakotay sat himself down at his desk and took a quick glance at the screen, his confusion increasing when he realised the incoming call was from Starfleet. He opened the channel, ever more surprised to see the familiar face of admiral Paris presented in front of him.

"Admiral," he stated with surprise, "although I'm always pleased to hear from you, I'm supposed to collect the girls from school shortly…"

"I'm sorry to keep you," he said, looking less than apologetic, "but I thought it best to contact you as soon as I had confirmed the news: it's about Kathryn… she has been released from Remus along with the ambassador. Enterprise is transporting them back, and their onboard physician has assured us that Kathryn's injuries are treatable and is sure to make a sound recovery."

His heart was suddenly pounding in his chest, after over a year now of waiting and hoping and so many uncertainties, she was finally coming home to Earth. "Are you sure?" he asked shakily.

Paris smiled, "I'm sure. She's already been brought out of status, and her vitals are stable, they will be waking her up in a few hours, and she will be back on Earth this time tomorrow."

It was all happening so quickly, although he was excited, he was much more nervous, knowing that he wouldn't be content until he could see her again face to face, could touch her and assure himself that it was all real and not a dream. It was too good to be true and he worried that something was going to go wrong, that her injuries would be too bad, that she wouldn't wake up… what if she didn't remember him? He took a moment to take it all in and to calm himself down. "When can I see her?"

The elderly admiral looked uncertain now, "her immediate family will be allowed to see her first of course, but it will be up to Kathryn whether or not she wants to see you…"

The admiral's implication was clearly that given their history she might not want to be visited by him, but then Paris didn't know that they had been in good contact for several months before the incident. "She'll want to see me," he assured the other man.

Owen nodded, and gave him a friendly smile, but said nothing more of the matter.

-

It was now twenty eight hours since that call, and having left Layla and Ellie with their god parents for the night, Chakotay had made his way to San Francisco where he knew Gretchen and Phoebe had already been for the past nine hours. He still couldn't believe it… she was alive and well and in just a few minutes he was going to see her for the first time in three years. He walked the hospital corridors feeling like there were butterflies in his belly that couldn't be settled, he was so eager to see her that he wanted to run, but he had to force himself to relax and keep a steady pace as he neared her room.

The EMH was standing outside a door he realised was to Kathryn's room. He was looking down at some notes so he didn't realise Chakotay's approach straight away, but when he did he looked up and gave him a small cautious smile, lowering the padd to one side.

"Chakotay," he greeted kindly, "I suppose you're here to see our woman of mystery."

"Yes," said, moving the flowers he was carrying to his left hand and extending his right to shake with the hologram, "is she alright?"

His expression turned serious and stern, "physically she's fine. She's confused, which is to be expected. She has vague memories of her initial capture, but the next thing she knew was waking up on Enterprise… You have to understand Chakotay, whilst time has moved on of the rest of us, she hasn't been aware of it passing her, she hasn't aged, she hasn't been there to watch her daughters grow… she's exactly as she was moments after her capture. It's going to take her a while to accept everything that's changed, and to get up to speed with all that's happened. She's going to get there, but we all have to be patient in the meantime, so when you see her, take it slow, try not to say too much about Layla and Elliot, keep things simple, relaxed and easy."

Chakotay frowned at the look he was receiving from the EMH, almost as if the doctor worried that he was going to go in there like a bull in a china shop and cause her unnecessary unease. "If she hasn't changed at all in the past three years, then I think I still know how to handle her," he assured the doctor.

The doctor nodded, but said nothing, instead he stepped back to allow the former commander to enter.

Placing his hand on the control panel by the side of the door, he hesitated a moment before asking for admittance to the room. He hadn't seen Kathryn for three years, and in the year or so he had known she was alive, not once had he thought what he was going to say to her if he ever saw her again, and now he found himself uncertain of how to continue. Although the doctor had discreetly walked away, he was aware of two security officers stood a little way down the hall with their eyes on him. Chakotay decided that it was best just to go for it, and so he activated the entry buzzer.

The doors opened to reveal a darkened room, the curtains were all drawn and the main light had been deactivated in favour for a couple of lamps which framed either side of the bed. Although aware of Gretchen sitting in the chair next to the bed, and the lingering smell of coffee in the air, his eyes immediately went to Kathryn who was sat up against her head board, wearing slacks and a long sleeve t-shirt. Their gazes instantly met, she looked happy to see him, but he found himself unable to do anything but stare at her, almost in disbelief that she was actually alive and sat only feet away from him.

Chakotay became aware of movement in one corner of the room, and turned to see Gretchen standing from her seat, she shot them both a knowing smile, "I'll go get more coffee," she excused herself from the scene, and moved from the room so that they could have more privacy.

"Chakotay," Kathryn said when her mother had left. She moved from off her bed and crossed the short space over to him. Without hesitation she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close into a tight embrace, which slowly and a little mechanically he returned. She pulled back a little way from him, "I'm glad you came."

"Of course I came," he said, reaching up a hand to touch her face in order to assure himself that she was really there, she smiled as if she understood what he was doing, and feeling it natural to do so, she placed a kiss kindly to his lips, then looked back at him so that they could study one another.

"I'm told I've been gone for almost three years," she said simply, disbelief still held in her voice.

"It's felt more like a lifetime," he said solemnly, his eyes still roaming her face, drinking in every detail of her.

Kathryn tilted her head slightly as she looked up at him, sensing a sadness in his voice, but was at a loss for how or if she could fix it. "My mum was just telling me about the girls…" she shook her head wistfully, "I can't believe I've missed it Chakotay, all of it, they've grown up not even knowing who I am."

He shot her a sad smile, "not all of it Kathryn; they still have a lot more growing up to do…"

She met his gaze, and looked deeply into his eyes, "I'm so proud of you Chakotay," she said at last, and when he turned to look away she reached out and placed a hand against the side of his face to force their gazes to remain connected. "I know it must have been difficult, but I knew one day you could be a father to our daughters … I just wish I could have been there to see it happen."

The atmosphere was now thick with all their suppressed emotions rising to the surface, and when he felt tears forming in his eyes, he saw them reflected back on her face. "I've missed you so much…"

Kathryn realised it was becoming too much for him, and whilst it felt like only a few days had passed for her, she could only imagine what he had been through in the meantime. She wrapped her arms around him, placing one hand against his neck and lacing her fingers through his hair. She pulled him close to her and ran her other hand soothingly over his back hoping to comfort him. It was only rarely he allowed her to see him cry, but on those occasions when he had, he had been so distraught that she had known nothing that could calm him other than simply to hold him close.

And that was how they remained for a long while longer. Neither of them said anything more, or spoke about what was to happen next. For Chakotay he used that moment simply to enjoy the feeling of having her in his arms again, and for Kathryn it was to accept that despite the many shocks she had received in the last few hours, this man was the one constant she could always rely on.

_Let me know what you think... I'm finishing the last few chapters and your reviews really do help me carry on writing._


	16. Chapter 16

This chapter flickers between two timelines, I've separated them out to make it a little clearer, but thought a short warning was in order. Thanks to all of you who have been reviewing, it's great to get some positive feedback on what I'm writing, as well as some pointers for areas I need to do better on. A few of you were wanting to know what happened about Kathryn's pregnancy, as if I had forgotten about it, but not to worry, I hadn't forgotten, I just didn't want their reunion to be clouded with dealing with that all of a sudden. This chapter should clear all that up. At the moment I'm trying to write the last couple of chapters, but I have complete writers block, so please feel free to give me some suggestions for how you want the story to end, either happily or unhappily, I will do my best.

_Chapter 16: It does matter_

_Five years, four months_

It was well past midnight, and unable to sleep Chakotay had found himself making his way down the stairs of his house to warm up a mug of milk in the hope it would help to relax his troubled mind. It was almost in a dream like state that he had gone through the draw of his office of the few objects he had kept over the years which reminded him of her. He had moved to the sofa in the next room without realising it, and twisted and fumbled the small object between his fingers as if in a trance, watching with fascination as it caught the light of the small lamp.

His unease was a result of cataclysm of events, of things said and unsaid, wrongs, some rights and an unforgiving past, but mostly it was because of Kathryn. His drink sat forgotten on the side as his thoughts drifted to her and to their conversation three weeks previously.

-

After having gone to her room to find it abandon, he went in search of her through the hospital, and from following directions one of the medical staff had provided him, he found her in the deserted conservatory which looked out onto the hospital gardens. Her gaze and focus had been so fixed that she hadn't taken much notice of his entrance, but when he came to stand close by where she sat, she was unable to avoid his presence.

"Hi," she smiled across at him.

"Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you?" he said, realising that perhaps she had retreated from the room to be alone.

"No, not at all," she assured him and gestured that he should take a seat beside her.

"I was told that you're being discharged tomorrow."

"Yes, I'll be staying with my mother in Indiana until I'm fit for duty again."

Chakotay's eyebrow raised at the thought she was already planning to return to work, but he didn't say anything; it wasn't his place any more to disapprove of her life style. "And the girls?" he asked slowly, "Layla and Elliot, when do you think you'll want to see them?"

Kathryn turned to look across at him, a small frown consuming her features. For the past few days he had been coming to see her she had sensed mind was plagued with something, and although she could guess it was about their children, he had still yet to reveal to her exactly what it was about them which troubled him. It wasn't the first time he'd asked her when she wanted to see them, and as before she answered with, "I don't know," and he appeared satisfied with her answer, knowing better than to push her, but on the few occasions he had mentioned them, there had been that same apprehensive look in his eyes that she couldn't fully explain.

"I think I need to get used to all that's happened in my absence…" this time she elaborated on her reasoning for not wanting to see them right away. "Part of me wants to see them right now, but I know I'm not ready. I need to deal with losing my babies before I see the children they've become."

He nodded solemnly, and she could tell that he was wanting to say more, but at the same time reluctant to go on, considering her fragile state. A battle seemed to be taking place in the depths of his eyes, and the part of him that was holding back must have won, as this time he decided to continue. "What about after then?" she could hear a hesitation in his voice, "will you want to take them back from me?"

She looked over at him and saw a look in his eye that she'd never seen there before in all the time she'd known him. It took her a moment to realise what it was, and when she did it completely threw her. He looked like a parent scared at losing his children. Although she had been filled with pride at knowing he had taken responsibility for them, it hadn't occurred to her until this moment that in her time away he really had become a father, not just in name, but in being. He had obviously formed a strong attachment to his daughters, and now he was worried that they could be taken from him. "I'm not sure," she said slowly, she hadn't really had much time to think about such things…

He nodded, and when he saw the distress he was causing her he quickly felt guilty and realised that he needed to pull them both quickly out of the direction this conversation was headed. It was far to early for them to be discussing custody of their children. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, "this isn't something we need to worry about for a while."

Shooting him a thankful look, her gaze flickered away from him, and they slipped into an uneasy silence as they drifted off into their own thoughts. Kathryn spent the time trying to amend her image of Chakotay from a spurned lover and broken man, to a caring father who had (she hoped) rebuilt his life without her. The thought of whether he had found someone to share his life with crossed her mind, but with that brought up the idea of another woman raising her children and she instantly felt sick to her stomach, so she tried not to think about it. When she had cleared her head, she looked back up at him, to see that he was still holding back from speaking his mind to her. "What is it?" she asked, her voice softly breaking the quietness around them both.

Chakotay refused to meet her gaze for a long while, and she could tell he was reluctant to ask his next question, but finally, after a long wait, he did, "Phoebe told me something about you a while after we all thought you'd died… I don't know if she was upset and trying to hurt me, or if she was warning me with a simple truth, and to be honest I've never asked her in the years since if she had made it up or not…"

Now Kathryn felt a little nervous, she knew what her sister could be like when she was angry, and she knew how much Phoebe had disliked Chakotay so could only imagine what she may have come out with. "What did she say?"

Chakotay bit his lip, meeting her gaze with caution, "she told me you were pregnant, with my child, before the attack." He watched her carefully, as her eyes dropped from his in awkwardness he wondered if he should have bothered to bring it up so soon, let alone at all. "I'm sorry," he tried to recover from the situation, "it's just she knew about our… affair on deep space five, she also told me that you hadn't planned on telling me, and that you were going to raise our children with Caleb."

Kathryn took her time in meeting his gaze, and when she did he saw her face had become a familiar mask now. "Chakotay, are you asking me if she was telling the truth?" her voice had dropped to a level he had always known to be cautious with.

"Yes."

Clenching her jaw she stepped up from the bench and moved to put some space between them. "I'm not sure what to tell you Chakotay," she said honestly, and he would have thought she was angry with him had she not taken her fingers to the bridge of her nose in a sign he recognised as her uncertainty of how to continue.

"Were you pregnant?" he pressed.

"Yes," she said, her eyes fixing on the moving branches of the trees out in the garden ahead of her.

"Was it mine?" he was desperate to know now, after three years of being in the dark.

She turned sharply to face him, "do you want it to be yours?"

With a frown Chakotay considered what she was really asking him, as there was another question buried in the one she had voiced. It hit him suddenly, and caused his throat to clamp down hard, she wanted to know if three years ago if he would have wanted her to tell him about the baby, or to lie to him like she had been planning to do. Tears formed in his eyes, as he realised the truth of the answer he was about to give, "no," he said at last, knowing that back then hearing they were to have another child would have only furthered his guilt and hurt and pushed back the progress they had been making in rebuilding their friendship.

"Then the rest of it doesn't matter," she said sadly.

-

Chakotay was rudely broken from his revere by the sounds of the stairs creaking and he became aware that he was no longer the only person in the house who was awake. Absently his hand stilled and he looked up to see his young daughter Ellie reach the final few steps and enter the lounge.

"Ellie, it's late, you should be in bed," his voice was soft and didn't perturb her from moving over towards him.

"What about you?" she asked, climbing up to sit beside him.

He chuckled lightly at her tone, "you're right, I should probably be in bed right now as well."

His daughter sat beside him and rested her head sleepily against his upper arm. "What's that?" she asked, pointing to the small piece of metal that he held in his finger tips.

For the first time he realised what he was holding, and her question threw him for a moment as he struggled to understand why he had brought it out of its hiding place. "It's a ring," he said at last, astonished that he was still holding it.

"What kind of ring?" she pressed, which was what she really wanted to know.

Chakotay glanced down at her before allowing his eyes to settle back to the ring where her gaze was now concentrated, "the kind of ring a man gives to the woman he wants to marry," his voice held a distance as he thought back to night he had asked for Kathryn to marry him.

"Why do you have it?"

The question caused him to ask himself the deeper question of why he _still_ had it. Kathryn had told him no, and to have kept it in the first place was a mistake, but to bring it out and stare at if for so long was simply foolish. "I wanted to give this to your mother," he replied truthfully, "but she didn't want it."

Ellie turned her attention to her father with an aghast expression, still too young to understand why a gift couldn't be accepted, "why not?"

The look on her face almost made him laugh, and grateful for the distraction from his own thoughts he placed the engagement ring on the coffee table, before he lifted the little girl onto his lap. He was somewhat envious of how simple it was for children, who only had the capacity to love and weren't able to comprehend the complexities of adult life. For his daughters there was always a wrong and right answer, and the in-between was a void they couldn't understand. "There's lots of reasons," he told her, "too many to talk about this late at night."

"You won't tell me because I'm too little," she protested, knowing when she was being fobbed off.

He chuckled, "maybe not," he said as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

Ellie pulled an irritated expression, but knew not to force her father on an issue.

Chakotay was as good a father as he could be to his daughters, and although he loved them dearly, he was aware of a distance he placed himself from them. He hadn't done it intentionally, and he wasn't sure if it was always going to be this way when he had children of his own because of what had happened to his family during the Cardassian attacks, or if it had happened because of his absence in the first year and a half of their lives, but the fact was that it was there. He had always been a private man, never wanting to burden others with his worries, or to drag up his past (either of his home planet or experiences since), and he guessed that aspect of his personality was apart of how he fathered his children.

They were as fond of him as he was them, but the way he sometimes shielded his emotions from them caused both Layla and Ellie to tread carefully around him when they felt unable to read his moods, (as they had been unable to do so for the past few weeks). In some ways they feared him, he could tell from the scared little faces that looked up at him when he scolded them for one thing or another, and through that fear they had learnt to respect him and back away from asking him uncomfortable questions. He knew part of the reason he sometimes held his children at arms length from him was because of Kathryn, he worried that like their mother one day they would abuse his love, so whilst he had given all his heart to Kathryn, with his daughters he held a small part of it to himself. He knew they didn't deserve it, and he would have wanted to open himself more to them, but he found he couldn't help shutting himself away.

The small girl in his arms rested a sleepy head against his chest. The drumming of his heart against his chest soothed and comforted her, and he felt her become limp against him as her eyes closed and her mind drifted. His own thoughts moved on also, but not in an unorganised dreamy fashion like Ellie's were now, but back to his memories where he had previously been interrupted.

-

The silence dragged out as both Chakotay and Kathryn took time to adjust their perspectives. Finally, he spoke, "It does matter," his words were almost a whisper, but she caught them, and knew she would be unable to ignore him.

"Why does it matter?" She eventually turned to him, then added when she saw his lips part, "you're not the father," her voice clipped, warning him to drop it, now.

Chakotay opened his mouth to make a retort, but he stopped himself when he noticed the way she had phrased her last comment, "what do you mean I'm not the father?"

Kathryn refused to meet his gaze, "please stop pushing this Chakotay."

He seemed oblivious to the weakness now present in her voice, "did you lose the child?"

"Chakotay…"

"Did you lose the child Kathryn?" he repeated, this time there was an obvious edge to his voice, but she wouldn't answer him. He stood and took a few steps towards her, his body filled with an anger at her refusal to respond, "are you _still_ pregnant!?" This time his voice held such a determination that she knew he wouldn't let it go without an answer, and had the desired result of causing her to snap.

"Yes!" she said, turning back to him, bitter tears now stinging her eyes, "is that what you want to know, did you really want to hear that?"

"I want to know if I'm the father?" he demanded, now only a foot or so away from her.

"You heard what I said," she was resilient even after everything that had happened in the past few days.

"You're telling me what you think I want to hear; but I'm not the same man as you remember, who would have preferred a comforting lie. Tell me the truth!"

She looked at him fiercely, tears were now streaming down her face with the pressure and stress he was putting her under, "the truth is I _hate_ you. You were a bastard to leaving, worse for not coming back and I'm sick of forgiving you and protecting you. Of course you're the damn father! and I regret that with every breath in my body."

What shocked him most was not what she said, but that she meant every word of it; she really did hate him for what he had done. He moved away from her as she moved back to the bench, crying desperately with the shock of losing another three years of her life, of finally embracing her resentment of him she had deeply repressed for the sake of their children, and the realisation of all that was to come.

Chakotay remained in a stunned dumbness; he'd always suspected that Phoebe had been telling him a twisted truth simply in order to damage him, but he'd told himself it was a lie as thinking otherwise would have caused him too much pain. Three years later and it may be hurting a little less, but the shock factor was still the same. "You're right," his voice was now so quiet and resigned that she had to quell her sobs in order to hear him, "I let you down. You needed a friend, but I wanted more… I should have seen you weren't ready, I should have waited until you were. I should have done a lot of things," he admitted with a long pause. "I regret what we did to each other over the years, and I hate Voyager for what we became.

"I wouldn't change it though, and I know you wouldn't either. Because otherwise we wouldn't have two beautiful and wonderfully precious daughters. You should see them Kathryn…" he said and she could hear the awe in his voice as he remembered and recalled them, "they're so much like you that sometimes my heart aches simply to look at them." He was silent a long moment and she could tell that he wasn't finished, "I want to do it right this time," he told her with a determined look in his eyes, "I'm going to be here for you and our new baby. I'll do whatever you need me to do, and I'm going to be as good a friend to you as I can, but I think we both have to let go of the past and start a fresh."

"Do you really think we can do that?" she asked, trying to let go of the animosity towards him she had allowed herself to feel only moments ago.

He shrugged, running a hand through his shorted greying hair, "I don't know."

Her whole body now felt drained from the outburst; it was too much to take in all in one day. "I don't want to see you for a while," she said at last, "I need space to think everything through."

"And after that?"

This time she shrugged, "we'll see."

Chakotay nodded solemnly, this wasn't the reunion he'd ever had in mind when he'd learnt she was still alive, but then again his relationship with Kathryn had always been unpredictable. He straightened up where he stood, "I'm glad you're back and safe," he told her genuinely, "call me when you're ready."

She only nodded, and with her gaze on the window he left without another word.

-

As Chakotay remembered that conversation a few weeks ago it evoked many of the same emotions in him now as it had at the time. They hadn't spoken since and he was doubtful that he would hear from her in the next few weeks at least. His heart was confused with feelings of joy at Kathryn's return, of apprehension of what would happen to his daughters and uncertainty over fathering another child. He knew he wanted to be involved, but he wasn't sure in what capacity it would be, or if his fears from the first time about raising a child with the same woman who had rebuked him on too many occasions would resurface. All he did know was that this time he had to face their issues head on instead of avoiding him like he had the time before.

"Ellie, do you remember what I told you about your mother?" he broke the gentle silence of the room.

"About Remus," she said, her voice muffled with half her face pressed to his shirt.

He smiled a little to himself as he realised she was on the verge of sleep, but she had said what he wanted to know, that she remembered him telling both her and her sister about their mother's captivity on Remus, so he decided to go on. "How would you feel if I told you that she was back on Earth now?"

There was a long pause before the child answered him, "happy, I think." She'd never known a mother, and so for the moment couldn't feel that she was missing out by not having one.

Chakotay realised it was the wrong time to tell her about Kathryn, so decided to put it off until a more decent hour of the morning. Placing a kiss on the top of her head, he shifted her on his lap so that he could pick her up, and with her weight held delicately in his arms, he carried her out the lounge and up the stairs. He placed her in her bed with such gentleness that she barely felt that she was being moved, and the loving way in which he tucked her into her covers provided all the reassurance she needed to fall into a deep and peaceful sleep. Chakotay was doubtful his sleep that night would be so easy.

_To be continued._


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter 17: Humming bird_

_Five years, five months, two weeks_

Chakotay had just finished talking one of his students through their latest report, when only moments after they had left someone knocked on his office door to ask for admittance. Putting the pile of papers he had just been about to start on aside, he shrank back in his chair and swivelled round to face the entrance. "Come in," he called out.

There was a short pause before the door opened, and as soon as he saw her step into the room, he put aside all feelings of irritation at another interruption and replaced them with a cautious happiness at seeing her. "Kathryn," he almost stuttered at the unexpectedness of her appearance, but managed to come out sounding much more controlled than he actually felt.

She met his gaze and shot him an uncertain smile, "I'm sorry I didn't call ahead, but I kind of came here on a whim."

"You transported?"

Kathryn Janeway nodded, "I wanted to see where you had settled yourself… then I thought it might be rude not to drop by and say hello."

His jaw hung a moment, and he realised that after the last time they had spoken she was most probably unsure of how to proceed (as was he). "I'm glad you did," he said at last, unable to help himself from giving her a once over as she was starting to show signs of her pregnancy, despite how her choice of civvies attempted to hide it. "Would you like to take a seat?" he offered the chair to one side of his desk, almost wishing in that moment he had requested a couch was in his office, as on this occasion it seemed odd to be sat together so formally.

"Thank you," she said, sitting down across from him. "So how have you been?"

Chakotay realised that the question was probably more useful coming from him and directed at her considering all that had happened recently, but he smiled politely, "I've been good. Working, obviously, but I really enjoy what I'm doing."

Kathryn shot him a genuine smile, "my mother was telling me. She said the two of you have become quite good friends over the past few years."

He shrugged neutrally, "I've always been fond of your mother… and when I became an active part of our daughters lives, she became an active part in mine." He purposefully trailed off, knowing that they would have time to catch up on all the small things that had changed some other time. "How are you," he said after a long beat, "I mean really, how are you coping?"

She shrugged, "as well as expected I guess," she admitted, "in some respects it's easier than when I came home after Voyager; I don't have to let go of anything, or rediscover myself, I just have to catch up all over again; and seeing as I've already had experience with that…"

"But this time you have two children you have to get to know all over again," he considered for her, knowing that was probably the most difficult aspect for her to have to deal with.

Nodding she glanced momentarily away, "the counselling is helping with that, and I will see them soon enough, but I wanted to take some time to reconnect with you first."

Chakotay repressed a smile as he realised she was using a term given to her by the counsellor. "And how do you mean by reconnect?"

"You said last time I saw you that you had changed a lot over the years… I want to get to know the man you've become, to rebuild our friendship, and from that find a way to raise our children together."

He raised an eyebrow at her last word, "it's not going to be easy."

At that she allowed him a genuine grin, "I don't think things between us ever have been."

Allowing her an amused smile of his own at the comment he nodded, but didn't say anything as she presented him with a padd. "What's this?"

"I had my first full pre-natal examination yesterday, I thought you might want to have a look."

He was sure to shoot her a grateful look before taking the padd from her and taking a long look through it. "Thank you," he said at last, the words catching just a little in his throat as he said them, "do you know if it's a boy or girl?"

Kathryn's lip quirked up, "of course. Although last time I was told it was one of each, so that's the last time I trust a med student to interpret my results."

Chuckling lightly he lifted his eyes from the vague picture of his unborn child, "I didn't think you would be able to wait," he seemed pleased that he had been able to predict what she would do.

"Would you like to know?"

There was a short silence from the man before he as he thought about it, but finally he shook his head, "no, I want to be surprised."

"Fair enough," she responded, "I'm due in less than four months."

That made him sit back a little further in his seat, "wow," he said at last, "it's all happening so quickly."

"You're telling me," she grinned, "I've decided not to return back to duty until after the baby is born though."

Unable to hide the surprise from his face he shot her an odd look, "you're already planning to return to duty?"

She searched his expression for any sign of disapproval, but couldn't find any on the immediate surface, "yes, although this time I think I'll try and get an assignment that will keep me in San Francisco. Tuvok suggested that I take some time to do some teaching at the academy."

He smiled sadly, "San Francisco," he repeated, "it's a long way to travel between here and there."

"I'm sure we'll manage."

Chakotay nodded, "I could bring the girls over on weekends… you could transport across every now and again."

"Chakotay," she shot him a restless expression, "we'll sort something out."

Realising he was getting carried away with himself he decided to let the topic drop again, but at the back of his mind he was unsure how long he could put off sorting out the technicalities with her. They chatted away for a short time after, but all too soon Kathryn started to make excuses to leave, and he let her, promising that he would come and see her in the next few days.

V

_Five years, six months_

Kathryn found herself pacing the kitchen in her house in San Francisco whilst her sister sat at the table, calmly watching her. "There's no need to be worried," her sister reassured her.

"I'm not worried," she twisted her head slightly in Phoebe's direction, "I'm apprehensive."

"It's the same thing."

"No," Kathryn insisted, "worrying about something out of your control makes you sick to your stomach, apprehension provides you the nerves you need to go through with something."

"Sounds the same to me," Phoebe insisted, much to her sister's irritation.

"Are they anything like us?" she stopped her pacing a moment and stood by one of the wooden chairs, placing each of her hands onto the back of it.

The younger woman raised an eyebrow, "how do you mean?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes at having to elaborate, "do they hate each other?"

Phoebe mocked an offended look, "you _hate_ me?!"

"Phoebe!" Kathryn had wanted her sister there for reassurance, not to put a further strain on the day.

A loud laugh came from the table, "Kathryn, somehow Chakotay has taught them how to be as good a friend to one another, as sisters can be; they're nothing like we used to be."

"Good," she said almost to herself, then met the other woman's gaze, "are they well behaved?"

"Of course not."

Just then the doorbell went and Kathryn instantly straightened up at hearing it. Chakotay had been coming to see her for a couple of weeks now, but this was the first time she would be seeing her daughters in about three years. She was sick to her stomach with worry of how the day would go, despite what she told her sister to the contrary, but pulling a fearless expression she crossed the hallway to answer the door.

Three figures stood on the top step which lead up to the house. She looked at the two girls in turn, one had light brown curly ringlets and a chubby rosy race who she instantly knew was her eldest daughter Layla. The other had perfectly straight dark hair and eyes which held the same depth her father's did, and she knew that this one was Ellie. They were both wrapped up warm with identical grey duffle coats but each had a different scarf, Layla's was cream and fluffy, whilst Ellie's was striped with all different colours. Finally she turned to Chakotay, who was stood with a smile plastered across his face, and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm. Their gazes met, and instantly she felt reassured that everything was going to be okay. He stepped up through the front door and placed a kiss to her cheek, before turning back to his two daughters, "Ellie, Layla, this is your mother Kathryn."

Neither girl said anything, and Kathryn realised that she would have to make the first move. "I doubt you remember anything of me," she gave them both a sad smile, "but I'm very glad to see you both again."

Chakotay rested a hand on her shoulder, "come up into the house," he told them.

They did as their father instructed, Ellie leading the way with Layla holding tight onto her hand, still gazing up curiously at Kathryn, with such an intense stare it made her feel a little uncomfortable. Closing the door behind them, she indicated that the girls should go into the lounge and started to follow after them when she noticed Chakotay hanging back. "Where are you going?"

"I was just going to put these flowers in a vase," he said, about to head over to the kitchen, but stopping himself when he noticed her reluctance to be alone with the girls, "I'll just be a minute."

She seemed to consider his words, and swallowing her anxieties like he had seen her do so many times before on Voyager she nodded. "Okay, Phoebe's in there making coffee, don't be too long!"

He raised an eyebrow and if it was at the word coffee or the mention that Phoebe was there she didn't know, but he didn't make a comment either way. "Don't worry," he said needlessly, but knew she would whether he said it or not, then he left her in the hallway.

Kathryn entered the lounge to find that Ellie and Layla standing wearily in the middle of the room. Although they had lived in the house with her as babies, and then for a while with Chakotay more recently, she realised that they were just as apprehensive about this meeting as she was. "Do either of you want anything to drink?" she asked.

Layla looked across at her sister, but it was Ellie who replied for them both, "no, thank you."

"Do you remember this house?" she asked, stepping further into the space, "you've lived here with both me and your father at some stage."

"Yes," Ellie spoke again, and raised a finger to point above the mantle place, "but there was a picture over there."

"The one with the flowers," Layla said, but to her sister, not to Kathryn, "and the bird…"

"The humming bird," Ellie reminded her.

"And we had the toy chest over there," Layla seemed more comfortable now she had something to say.

"And remember at Christmas we had the tree by the window?"

"Ooh, and lots of presents!" came an excited squeal before Kathryn found she was again the focus of Layla's attention, "now you're back do we get more presents?"

Kathryn hesitated, "I suppose…"

"Layla!" Ellie scolded her for being so rude, "daddy said…"

"Okay, I know," she said and turned back to her mother, "what are we supposed to call you though?"

"Call me?" Kathryn repeated stupidly, being completely thrown for a moment, "what would you like to call me?"

The girl who'd asked shrugged neutrally, "daddy told us we had to do whatever you said."

"Well I'm happy for you to call me either mum or Kathryn; whatever you're most comfortable with?"

Her daughters exchanged a short look, before Layla returned to meet her gaze, "we've decided to call you Kathryn."

"When did you decide that?" Chakotay's voice entered the room, and Kathryn noticed the startled look which spread across the face of each of the little girls as they realised his presence.

"Last night," Layla said quickly.

He frowned and took his time to look between each of them, "I hope you haven't been hassling your mother with lots of questions already?"

"It's okay," Kathryn realised he wasn't warning them for the first time, and didn't want to be the cause of trouble for either of her children.

He turned back to her, taking a moment to ease his stern expression, "they can be a little intense sometimes," he explained his cautiousness, "just say if you need a break for a while…"

She raised an eyebrow, as if to ask him not stop being so over-protective of her, but the moment was interrupted as Phoebe entered the room with two mugs of coffee and both girls yelled excitedly and ran quickly towards their aunt. Kathryn watched with a slightly detached feeling as her sister set aside the drinks and bent down to embrace both girls. She saw how affectionate Phoebe was with the girls, and how happy they were in turn to see her, Layla quick to start quizzing her on everything that had happened in their time apart.

Sensing Chakotay still standing solidly behind her, she turned towards him to find that he was already looking at her. He shrugged helplessly when their gazes met, as if to tell her that when he had asked for the girls to spend some time getting to know her, why he had also said it would be best done with just the four of them, had been precisely for this reason. Phoebe was distracting the girls from the reunion with their mother, but Kathryn decided it was too late to do anything now about it.

The rest of the afternoon to pass in a blur, the girls seemed more relaxed with their aunt's presence, but no less guarded towards their mother. Kathryn realised with a great sadness that she had lost a special bond with them both, and as her time with them progressed, she started to worry that she may never be able to reform it. It was when Ellie and Layla asked to wonder around the house, and Phoebe followed after them that Chakotay took the opportunity of being alone with her to address that particular fear.

"Just give it time," he said when they heard the footsteps disappear up the stairs.

"Give what time?" she feigned ignorance.

He gave her a soft smile, "your relationship with the girls. It's not going to be like it was before, but with time it will be much better."

Kathryn's shoulders sagged; he had a habit of knowing exactly what was on her mind, and what to say to ease her worries. "They're lovely children Chakotay, but whenever I look at them I just see you, I have to keep reminding myself that there's something of me in there as well."

Reaching out he placed a comforting hand on her arm, "you're their mother Kathryn, they _are_ yours."

She shot him a thankful expression, but then a small frown enveloped her features, "they should have had a mother; you could have married someone Chakotay."

"I know I could have," he replied, trying to keep the mood light, despite the sadness in her eyes as she looked at him. "but I haven't met anyone, and when I found out you were still alive... I don't think I could have brought a woman into their lives to replace you anyway."

Kathryn studied him carefully, "up until I saw you on deep space four I had started to replace you."

Chakotay attempted to avoid what she was trying to do, "how is Caleb anyway?" he asked lightly.

The question was enough to interrupt her, "he's fine."

"Still intent on his diplomatic career?"

"Chakotay, you should have moved on," she avoided his next question in preference of getting to her point.

He sighed obviously, now aware that he would be unable to avoid this topic as long as she insisted on pursuing it. "I did move on Kathryn," he insisted, his voice dropping to an angry whisper so as to not arouse any suspicions from upstairs as to their conversation, "I _have_ moved on. But you tell me how I was supposed to bring any of those women back into my home when both our children were there to remind me everyday of you, and of how I could never love someone as completely and honestly as I have you. No one deserves to be second best, and I didn't want to have to settle for it."

She opened her mouth to make a response, but somehow Phoebe had made her way back down the stairs without either of them hearing, and interred the room with complete ignorance that she had interrupted anything. The moment was lost, and they weren't alone again for the rest of the afternoon to pick up on where they had left off, and after what he had said, neither of them were sure if they even wanted to.

Eventually Chakotay left with their daughters, and soon after Phoebe made a disappearance, at last leaving Kathryn to consider everything. She was glad to have finally taken the time to meet her children, and knew that now the most difficult part was out of the way, she would in the future be able to concentrate on getting to know them a lot better. She also thought about what Chakotay had said to her, about being unable to commit to another woman after he had lost her, and for the first time in a while she started to consider if she wanted to go back down that road with him, or if she should concentrate on making it easier for him to do so with someone else.

_To be continued…_


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter 18: A little privacy_

It took a while but Chakotay finally managed to settle down his two daughters next to Kathryn on the sofa in the Janeway family home in Indiana. The girls had had an exciting weekend so far, not only enjoying the company of both their parents and grandmother, but also Phoebe was visiting with her family and the night before Tom and B'Elanna had visited with Miral and Jake for dinner. The girls had been fussed over by the adults, picked up by and run around with their older cousins and enjoyed the company of the other children. With more attention than they were used to they were surprisingly undaunted, instead they were exhilarated by it. Layla was able to go from person to person until they were tired of listening to her and then move onto the next, and Ellie was always able to find someone to sit quietly with.

Now they sat beside their mother watching their father who was across from them in anticipation. "You know how happy you were to hear that mummy is going to move into the cottage with us," he started, addressing his two young daughters, "well, we have some more exciting news for you this morning." Chakotay spared a glance up at Kathryn and shot her a delighted smile, "in a short while we're going to have a new addition to our family…"

"A puppy!" Layla interrupted, and both girls erupted into eager grins.

"No," Chakotay said sternly, noticing Kathryn's lip quirk up in a grin, "not a puppy… We're going to have a baby; you're going to have a new little brother or sister."

There was silence. Chakotay looked up at Kathryn with a reassuring smile, their eyes locking for a long moment in a loving exchange.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Ellie demanded, oblivious to the moment her parents were sharing.

He turned back to her, "we're telling you now," he said calmly.

Without warning Layla suddenly burst out into tears, much to the surprise of both the adults. Kathryn looked uncertain what to do, but Chakotay reacted instantly and reached out to take her into his arms, pulling her close to him as he rested her on his lap. "Sweetie, Shh, don't cry. This is a good thing," his voice was soft and quelled her into quiet sobs.

Ellie, who up until then had been sitting quite contently on the sofa, suddenly got up and ran from the living room crying out for her grandmother. Layla seeing her sister leave started to squirm and wriggle in her father's grasp until he released her and she ran out the same door.

Alone, and confused, Chakotay looked up at Kathryn to see a worried expression on her face. "Maybe this is too much, too soon," she explained when she met his gaze, "maybe I shouldn't move in…"

"No," he said quickly, "the girls are going to have to learn to adjust. You're their mother and this is our baby, they'll have to get used to it."

"Chakotay, this is only temporary," she said quietly, "we thought that me moving in would give the girls a better chance to know me, and me them, but it's not going to work if this is all going to upset them, especially as I don't plan to stay more than a few weeks. They've already been through so many changes recently, we all have, perhaps it would be best to take things a little slower, give everybody a chance to get their heads around it."

"I guess…" he sighed, "this is so complicated, especially with the baby coming so soon. You know I want the children to grow up all together, but you also know I can't give up the girls…"

"I wouldn't want you to," she said quickly, reaching out and taking his hand in hers, "but lets not force anything. We have time to work out everything."

He nodded, but didn't say anything further as they both heard Gretchen enter the room, struggling with a grandchild on each hip. "What on Earth have you done to these poor girls?" she joked mildly as she walked towards them both.

"We told them about the baby mum," Kathryn explained, watching as Chakotay took Ellie from Gretchen and then placed a kiss on Layla's forehead.

"Oh," the old woman's eyes twinkled, "I don't suppose you've ever heard the story about what Kathryn did when Edward and I told her about Phoebe's arrival?"

Chakotay glanced round at Kathryn who was rolling her eyes, "no, I don't think you have," he said with a grin.

"Well," Gretchen started.

"I don't think Chakotay needs to hear this one mum," Kathryn interrupted.

"Kathryn," Chakotay mock scolded, "let your mother speak!"

"She held her breath until she went red," Gretchen said as she sat beside her daughter, moving Layla to her lap and running a comforting hand through the little girl's hair. "And then she ran round the house screaming 'I don't want a sister', or at least that's what we thought she was saying…" Gretchen added with a frown, then thought best to elaborate, "Kathryn was about three and wasn't as vocally developed as little Layla here. Anyway, Edward and I thought she was possessed as the tantrum went on for over an hour, and then finally, she collapsed into an exhausted pile on the kitchen floor and cried for the rest of the evening."

Chakotay laughed, despite Kathryn's warning glares against it. "These two are angels compared to what Kathryn was like as a child," her mother went on. "The only person she ever listened to was her father, and even then, as soon as she was out of his sight she'd again be climbing up trees, cycling off the empty roads and getting lost in the corn fields with the other children."

"Ooh, sounds like trouble," he pulled a face as he bounced Ellie up and down in his arms.

"Phoebe was far more difficult than me," she protested.

Gretchen chuckled lightly, "you were both so different it's hard to say who was worse. You've both turned out okay though, so I can't complain now."

"Mum, this is unfair, you can't tell Chakotay embarrassing stories about me," Kathryn complained.

"Oh, I've had the past three years to enjoy listening to stories about you," he reminded her lightly, "besides, they're not embarrassing, they're interesting."

"Well you should hear some of the stories Sekaya told me about what Chakotay was like as an older brother," the older Janeway said, receiving a interested look from her daughter.

"Gretchen, you're just stirring now," his warning was nothing more than relaxed banter.

She looked up at him mischievously, "I guess those stories can wait until another time. I should get back to preparing dinner."

Kathryn found Layla being thrust into her arms by her mother and watched helplessly as she left the living room through the connecting door to the kitchen. The two girls had now quietened down, Ellie's head was rested against her father's chest, feeling safe in his strong arms and soft embrace. Layla was now fidgeting on her mother's lap and Chakotay could see Kathryn was uncertain what to do with her.

"You have to move in," he insisted, realising that being close to and spending time with them was the only way the three of them would be able to reform that bond they had lost. "If only for a short while," he added with assurance that he understood it wasn't a permanent solution.

She nodded in silent agreement. Then a thought occurred to her, "Layla, do you how close you are to your little brother or sister right now?"

The little girl looked suddenly confused and looked around wildly, "I am?"

Kathryn chuckled lightly, "yes," she said as she lifted the girl in her arms and twisted her round to face her, "do you see this bump in my belly, well that's where the baby is right now?"

"Really?" Layla sounded amazed.

Chakotay felt Ellie move in his arms, and saw that she was looking up at him, "is that true?" Ellie was never so quick to take someone at face value and often sought assurance from him.

He nodded, "yeah," he said, feeling his throat go tight as realisation struck him for the first time that he really was going to be a father again, and this time it wasn't from a planet light years away pretending not to care, it was right in front of him and he was going to be involved from the very beginning.

"Would you both like to feel the baby kicking?" she looked over at her youngest daughter.

Curiosity getting the better of her Ellie moved out of her fathers grasp and jumped up onto the sofa beside her mother, "feel right here," Chakotay watched as Kathryn placed each of their little hands onto the top of her swollen abdomen.

"Oh wow," Layla exclaimed, never too overwhelmed to let people know exactly what she was thinking, "how did a baby get in there?"

Kathryn looked worriedly across at Chakotay who shot her an amused expression, "that's where babies come from Layla," he explained.

Layla had her head turned towards her father, "I know that," she blew him off, "but how did it get there to start with?"

"You're on your own there," he heard Kathryn say in an undertone that both girls missed.

"To be honest with you," he decided to ignore the comment, "sometimes I wonder that myself. But it usually involves two people, and often love comes into it, and occasionally it's a surprise, or the parents might even wish for it, but every time it's always different. For this baby the two people were me and your mummy, and at the time we were very much in love and the spirits rewarded us for all that love with a magical gift… and that's you're little brother or sister."

Layla's grin widened, "is that what happened with me and Ellie?"

Chakotay's smile faded and for a moment his face looked haunted by the past he never liked to remember.

"You and Ellie were a little more special than that," Kathryn realised his reluctance to continue and came to his rescue, "your daddy wanted a baby, but back then I didn't know what I wanted, but I guess the spirits did know because they didn't just give us one baby, they gave us two, can you imagine what a wonderful surprise that was for us?"

He shot her a thankful look.

"Who was your favourite?"

"Layla," Chakotay warned, knowing that she was trying to upset Ellie.

"Oh, how could I ever decide?" Kathryn went on, "you're both so beautiful and lovely."

Layla looked irritated, "that's what daddy says."

Chakotay reached out and grabbed Layla, "and it's true," he insisted, having recovered from his earlier lapse and started to tickle his daughter who erupted into uncontrollable giggles.

"That's not true about the spirits," Ellie said, causing Kathryn's head to turn down to her other daughter, "spirits are make believe; Layla's silly."

"No one's ever silly to believe anything," Kathryn said, "but between you and me, I've never encountered a spirit, but I've seen enough over the years to know that just because you don't know it's there, doesn't make it any less real."

Ellie seemed to consider her words, "maybe," she admitted grudgingly, and then instinctively she shuffled closer to Kathryn's side and squeezed in under her arm resting her head against her mother's side. Neither or them said anything to one another, but for the first time since she had come out of the status chamber, Kathryn finally felt a connection with her daughters that she had worried she might have lost, and she realised that this new baby might be enough to bring them back together… perhaps even her and Chakotay as well. She didn't want to get ahead of herself though, she still had so much more catching up to do before she could consider her future, whatever that would be.

V

It was very early on after Chakotay had taken responsibility for his daughters that he had decided they would eat together as a family at the dining table. When they had been in high chairs he had spoon fed them both, wolfing down his own meal at the same time. As they had started to eat more solid foods he cooked them his mother's recipes he could remember from his own childhood. With little spare time and their delicate palates and taste buds Chakotay had spent the past few years stuck eating the same dull and unadventurous foods as them and enjoying very basic (although interesting) conversation. Now that Kathryn was sat with them for the family meal he found it was more worthwhile to prepare two meals, (one for himself and Kathryn, the other for the children) and the conversation was intelligent and captivating.

"Do I have to eat the beans?" Ellie interrupted the adult conversation with a whine.

"Yes," Chakotay said, annoyed. Ellie was always fussy when it came to food, whilst Layla would eat anything placed in front of her.

"But I don't like them," she insisted, but knowing it was a weak argument she added, "and I'm full."

"Then you shouldn't have eaten so much mash," Chakotay reminded her, "please try and finish the beans Ellie."

"Can I just eat half?" she knew where the conversation usually went and decided to short cut to the compromise.

Chakotay pretended to consider the request, but the truth was that he'd given her twice the amount he wanted her to eat in anticipation of this debate. "Fine," he gave in, "but half of that had better be gone before you have dessert."

"Okay," she grinned, thinking that she had won against her father.

Kathryn was eyeing him curiously, but waited until the girls were immersed in their own private talk before she said anything. "Impressive, you didn't have to resort to threats of no dessert."

He shrugged, "what's the point of threatening them… I know I'd never go through with it." The corners of her mouth twisted up in an amused grin. "What?"

"Nothing," she said, taking another forkful of lasagne and after briefly chewing and swallowing she saw that he was still looking at her expectantly. "I always imagined you would be quite a push over as a father… you cover it up quite well, but I can't believe I was right."

He tried to feign irritation but failed as a smile made its was onto his face, "I guess I am," he openly admitted, "but raising them alone these past few years has been problematic, because I know I don't have the heart to discipline them: I don't feel comfortable raising my voice, and then when I do and see their miserable faces, I quickly cave, so I guess I've had to find other ways to deal with bad behaviour."

Kathryn nodded, but before she could comment they heard someone at the front door. Chakotay glanced at his watch wondering who would interrupt them during a very obvious meal time before he stood from the table. "I'll get it," he said, placing a hand on Kathryn's shoulder to ensure she remained seated.

His foot steps fell down the hallway and the front door opened. Kathryn heard another man's voice, and from the tone he sounded angry, however she was unable to make out the words. Then there was a long silence before she heard a loud clap and thud and knowing that something was wrong she got up from the table, the two girls seemingly unaware that anything was going on.

The hallway was empty and as she heard another clap on the other side of the front door she rushed towards it. When she opened the front door of the cottage she was startled to see Chakotay standing on the door step, hunched over a little, his back was to her so he didn't know she was there, he straightened up, but no sooner had he done it, she saw the fist of another man come flying towards him.

The visitor realising they were not alone looked across at her, at first he seemed startled to know they were being watched, then a look of recognition passed across his face. "What the hell is going on?" she demanded.

Chakotay twisted round suddenly, blood falling from a couple of wounds on his face.

"Admiral," the stranger greeted and straightened up in such a way she knew he was a Starfleet officer, he hid is bloodied hand behind his back, "I'm sure he'll make up an excuse to tell you later. Whatever he says, rest assured he deserved it."

Kathryn stood flabbergasted as the man turned and walked away down the footpath that ran through the garden and onto the road. She would have said or done something but the fact that Chakotay hadn't been fighting back and wasn't saying anything was the only reason she restrained herself. "I hope you have a good explanation for that," she said as he finally met her gaze.

Roughly he rubbed his jaw, "make sure the girls stay in the kitchen," he instructed her harshly.

"Chakotay!" she protested, angry at the way in which he spoke to her.

"The kitchen," he repeated, spitting out some blood onto the lawn, "I don't want them to see me like this."

For a moment she looked defiant, but eventually she folded, shooting him a distressed look before she turned and headed back into the cottage.

Ellie and Layla looked up at her as she re-entered the kitchen, they were now aware that something was wrong. "What's happening?" Ellie took the lead, Kathryn noticed that although Layla was the more out spoken of the twins, she was also the more sensitive, and it was Ellie who took a fearless control of any worrying situation.

"Someone just came round to speak with your dad," she said trying to make it sound like nothing. She heard the front door close as Chakotay re-entered the house. "I see you've both finished," she looked down at their almost cleared plates and put on an upbeat tone, "think you can manage dessert?"

Layla nodded brightly, but Ellie looked down at her plate, "I've still got another nine beans to eat," she grumbled.

Kathryn forced herself to smother a grin at the fact her daughter had bothered to count, "well, I won't tell your dad if you don't," she said sneakily.

Suddenly Ellie's face lit up, "really?"

"How does ice cream sound?" she asked, walking over to the replicater which responded only to hers and Chakotay's commands. "Which flavours do you want?"

"Strawberry… no. Chocolate," Layla said quickly.

"A scoop of each?" Kathryn considered the more they had, the longer they would be kept distracted for.

"Yes please," she replied eagerly.

"Ellie?" Kathryn prompted to see that Ellie's eyes were still somewhat troubled.

"Can I have the same as well please?"

"Of course you can," she tapped an instruction into the console and quickly two bowls appeared. She walked over to the table with them, "when you've eaten all you can, you may leave the table," she told them, remembering how strict Chakotay liked to be when it came to meal times… although she didn't quite agree with the stiffness of his regime, she didn't want to intervene.

Leaving the kitchen she walked through the hallway to climb the stair case where she had heard Chakotay go only moments earlier. She found him in the bathroom rooting through the medicine cabinet to quickly produce a dermal regenerator. "Are the girls okay?" he saw her in the reflection of the mirrored cabinet doors and sounded much calmer.

"Yes," she moved from the doorway further into the room, closing the door behind her, and locking it just in case. Seeing him activate the instrument she moved to gently take it from his hand, "let me do it," she insisted, "I don't want you to seal your eyelids shut."

He allowed her a small grin, "thanks."

She motioned towards the bath tub and without explanation he stepped over to sit down on the edge of it. Kathryn didn't start to heal his skin right away, instead she took a flannel and wetted it with warm water. Once she had rung it over the sink she placed it to his forehead and caringly began to clean away the blood on his face. "What was that about?" she asked after several minutes of silence.

His face was turned up to hers with her hand tilting up his chin as she stood before him, he let out a long sigh, "I was sleeping with his wife… he must have just found out."

Kathryn put down the now pink flannel and lifted up the dermal regenerator, if she was shocked, disappointed or upset by his words she didn't show it. "Is that why he was expecting you to lie to me?" her voice was steady.

"I guess. Maybe he doesn't realise that the affair ended as soon as I heard the Romulans were handing you over," he shrugged, wincing a little as she passed the device over him and he felt his skin being stretched and forcefully reattached.

"So the affair ended because of me, not because she was a married woman?" now a little bit of disapproval slipped into her voice.

"It was an excuse she wasn't able to argue against," he let out a long breath, "but you're right, I shouldn't have let it start to begin with. Erin and Richard have three children and a lot of problems, this might take them beyond the point of reconciliation."

The last of his cuts disappeared and Kathryn again wiped his face with a clean part of the flannel to remove the last trace of blood. "Why didn't you move on Chakotay?" now she sounded disappointed, but not at his indiscretion, but actually of the fact he wasn't in a serious relationship.

He looked up at her, surprise written all over his features, "what do you mean?"

"A wife with three children," she prompted, "how many other no-hope dead-end relationships have there been?"

Chakotay glanced away, "when the doctor told me you had died," he swallowed hard, "my world collapsed, I thought I might die also. I got back to Earth and suddenly I was a single father as well, I was given no time to mourn for losing you again, and the twins were so difficult that there were times when I regretted having claimed them… but somehow I managed, and eventually I was able to take them back to Phatar with me." He looked up to meet her gaze, "at first I didn't want anyone else, but when I did, I found I couldn't commit, so I filled my time with women who were unavailable to love me, and unable to want more from me."

She reached out and ran her fingers soothingly through his hair, the tears that had been forming in his eyes at the recollection of those painful memories fell down his cheek at the tenderness of her action. "How can I ever stop loving you Kathryn?" he asked, almost desperate to hear a solution.

"You shouldn't have let yourself be lonely Chakotay," she said sadly, "least not because of me. You deserve so much more than all I've done to you over these years."

He wasn't crying when he looked back up at her, "I was never lonely," he assured her, "you left me with two beautiful daughters, and now you've giving me this little one." Affectionately he ran a hand over her belly; she was now into her third trimester and he was certain she had never looked more radiant than she did now. "This is far more than I deserve."

Pulling her towards him he placed his lips to her shirt, in a manner she was accustomed to as over the weeks she had been living with him they had been getting closer and closer. There were now very few physical barriers to their relationship, as he would come up from behind and place his arms around her, or she would sit on the couch beside him late at night in his embrace, resting her head on his shoulder as they both read silently. They had reached a point where they both felt comfortable enough with each other to talk about anything, in fact, they were now more open with one another than they had been even at their most intense point back on Voyager. Emotional parameters had become a thing of the past and they both felt free to embrace their feelings for one another.

They didn't kiss though. They slept apart at night, and never entered each others personal space without knocking and waiting first. It wasn't a forced condition, it was from an unspoken respect and wish not to push anything further than it needed to go. They were both still adjusting, and knew it was too early to complicate their relationship, so they relaxed, both willing to wait and see what would happen and happy to enjoy one another's company in the mean time.

The tender moment was broken as they heard a knock on the bathroom door. Chakotay sighed, irritated that he couldn't enjoy the feel of Kathryn and their baby so close to him for just a little longer.

"I need to pee," came a desperate voice.

"What happened to the other bathroom?" Chakotay asked as Kathryn pulled back from him and his hands came down to his side.

"I don't like that toilet."

Kathryn realised it was Layla and exchanged an amused look with Chakotay before walking over and unlocking the door.

No sooner had the door been opened and the girl burst in and went straight over to the toilet. Without a moments hesitation she jumped up on to the seat and was relieving her bladder. Chakotay shook his head in further amusement and followed Kathryn out of the room, "I'll give you a little privacy shall I?" he joked to hear Kathryn's chuckle in response.

_To be continued_


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: Apologies

_Five years, eight months_

Having finished arranging another gift of flowers in one of the many vases which now littered the bedroom, Chakotay turned back to the mother of his newly born son with a gentle smile spread shamelessly across his face.

"Who was that one from?" Kathryn asked, her eyes still fixed on the tiny baby she held as he crossed back over to the bed where she was sat.

"Tuvok," he stated as he sat down beside her on the bed and laced his arms around her as he too looked down at their child.

Her head twisted in the direction of where the newest vase of flowers was placed and she smiled fondly, "I should have recognised the prize lilies…" she noted absently.

He placed a kiss to the top of her head, but said nothing more on the matter, content simply to gaze indefinitely at his son. "We still haven't chosen a name," he said after a while.

"Well you were the one who didn't want to know we were having a boy," she reminded him.

Chakotay sniggered, "to be honest I kind of guessed."

"You did?"

"You slipped up… I don't think you even realised that you had, but you referred to the baby as 'he' on more than a couple of occasions."

"I'm sorry," she said genuinely, "I know you wanted to be surprised."

He rubbed her upper arm affectionately, "surprise or not, seeing him at last feels just as special."

Reaching up with her free hand she placed a palm against his cheek, "this feels right doesn't it?"

Unsure of the entire extent of her implication he smiled and nodded, "do you mind if I suggest a name?"

"Please do."

"I thought we could name him Thomas."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, "after Tom Paris you mean?"

Chakotay chuckled openly at her surprise, "I know the two of us haven't always seen eye to eye, but in the past couple of years we've founded quite a strong friendship… and I also know that he was there for you when the girls were born."

She considered his suggestion, "I think that's a good idea. It would mean a lot to him."

"We're going to call him Thomas then?"

"Or Tommy?"

"Tommy it is," he said with a grin, happy to finally have a name to their son they could both agree on.

"When are you bringing the girls across to meet their brother?" Kathryn changed the subject.

Chakotay sighed, "I know it sounds really selfish, but I wanted to leave them with Tom and B'Elanna for another day or two so that I can enjoy this time with you and our baby."

"Will they be okay with that?"

He shrugged, "I think so. For the past few weeks since you've been back here in San Francisco they've both been getting more and more apprehensive about the arrival… and I know it's bad, but I don't want to have to deal with all that right now."

Kathryn shot him a curious look, "are they worried you're going to love them less…?"

"No," he said as he shook his head, "they're worried that you're not going to want to see them anymore; that you won't want them now that you have another baby… they're worried you'll replace them."

"I hope you've kept telling them otherwise?"

"Of course I have," he promised, "but they really enjoyed having a mother for the couple of months you were living with us, and they miss you now you're back in San Francisco…"

"I see them all the time," she insisted.

As the baby in her arms started to squirm Chakotay realised that he was worrying her, "Kathryn, I know, and it's been great, but I can't just make their fears disappear. It's going to take time for them to realise and trust that you're a permanent part of their lives."

She sighed heavily, the prospect of having to deal with her daughters' apprehensions now weighing her down on top of the exhaustion of her recent labour. "Maybe you're right to leave it another few days," she said wearily.

Noticing that she was again looking tired he twisted round slightly so that he could take the baby from her arms and into his. She shot him a thankful look and he placed a kiss gently to her cheek, "you should get some more rest," he insisted.

Absently she nodded as she ran her fingers down the side of her child's face, "will you stay with him?"

"I'll make sure he's okay," he said as he stood carefully from her bed, "but I'll give your mother some time alone to dote on him and then I'll be here when you wake."

"Thank you."

Chakotay smiled sweetly across at her before carrying Tommy out of her room and into the hallway of her house in San Francisco where Gretchen Janeway was waiting eagerly to see her grandson again. As he handed his son over to Kathryn's mother, he noticed Phoebe standing to one side, her back leant up against the wall, arms crossed and eyes intent on him. He waited until the doctor has disappeared back into the bedroom, and Gretchen had taken the baby into the nursery and when they were alone he finally addressed her.

"If you're going to make a snide remark…" he started.

"I wasn't," she cut him off quickly, not surprised that given their difficult history he might assume the worst. "I wanted to say I was sorry."

"For which part?" he folded his arms and waited patiently.

Phoebe wasn't in the habit of making apologies and he saw her lips twist as her ego struggled with her wish to make things right between them. "I'm not stupid, I know what Kathryn's like. I spent my whole childhood wishing that I could have had any other sibling but her… and I'm sure she did the same. I know you were never to blame for what happened… but it's always easier to hate someone you don't know than a sister you eventually grew to tolerate, love and even miss."

Chakotay studied the woman before him carefully, "you didn't have to make things so hard for me."

"You didn't have to make things so hard on her," she shot back.

He sighed, heavily, "this apology isn't sounding like what I think you meant it to…"

"I just wanted to say that I think you're a wonderful father to Layla and Ellie, and that I appreciate that this is probably difficult for you, but that you being here for Kathryn means a lot both to her and to me."

Holding his tongue a moment he considered her words, finally he met her gaze with an intense look, "do you think she will ever let herself love me?"

Phoebe frowned, then raised an uncertain eyebrow, "are you blind or something? Have you seen the way she looks at you, how she talks about you, the ways she touches you… she's crazy about you, surely you know that?"

He shrugged, "that's not really answering my question."

"Of course she loves you. I think the question you want to ask yourself is if you want to risk it all for something more again."

Biting his lip he shook his head, but then he realised who he was talking to and suddenly his sombre mood changed. "I'm not taking relationship advice from you," he said at last, shooting her an amused grin as he made his way down the stairs. Phoebe rolled her eyes, certain that she never would understand why her sister fell for such difficult men, before she made her way to the nursery to meet her nephew.

V

_Six years_

Kathryn kicked off her shoes, immediately dropping down two inches that she was glad to feel rid of as the soles of her feet screamed at her to be off them. Gladly she fell into the cosy sofa cushions and hung her head back allowing herself to properly relax for the first time that night. It had been the first Voyager reunion she had attended in what was for them three years, and the attention she had received throughout the evening was exhausting. She turned her head to look at the clock, and seeing that it was one in the morning, instantly felt guilty for having kept her children up for so long.

She heard his footsteps falling down the stairs and make their way into the living room, and she knew he had stopped in the doorway to stare at her collapsed form before she even turned to see his amused smile for herself. She shot him a hateful expression which only widened his smile as he stepped further into the room.

"The children are asleep," Chakotay announced.

"That was quick," she commented as he came to sit along side her, lifting her legs up to let fall across his lap.

"They were tired," he noted.

"I think we all are," she confessed, "I don't think I even have the energy to carry myself to bed."

"Do you want me to carry you?"

With a snigger she shook her head, "no thank you , I think I'll just stay right here."

Chakotay watched as she closed her eyes and made herself comfortable on the couch. "Then I guess you won't mind if I take your bed."

She raised an eyebrow but didn't open her eyes, "is the spare bed no longer good enough for you?"

Hearing him chuckle she opened one eye slightly to see him shake his head, "yours is far more comfortable."

Kathryn chose not to comment. "Can you believe it's been six years since we returned to Earth?"

"I can," he said almost cryptically, but she knew he was referring to the fact that she had unwillingly been absent for three of those years which she understood had been very difficult for him. "What's more impressive is that it's been thirteen years since we first met, and that we've managed seven of them in the delta quadrant without killing each other."

She laughed openly, her gaze meeting his, "I've told you before haven't I that I was always grateful that you never mutinied?"

He nodded, "I believe you might have mentioned it once or twice."

Reaching out he accepted her hand, and she used him to pull herself up into a sitting position as she swung her legs back to the floor. "Well I'm still grateful, for everything you did out there and since… you were the finest first officer I could have hoped for."

"You were the best captain we all could have had," he returned in the same spirit.

"I couldn't have hoped for a better father for my children either," she said, this time turning deadly serious.

Chakotay's easy smile faltered and he glanced away as her words became more personal and hit a bitter-sweet chord in their on-going symphony. "It's late…" he started.

"Chakotay," she insisted, willing him to look back across at her. Throughout her pregnancy they had rebuilt their friendship and she had been thankful for his patience, support and most of all his unconditional love, but the past few months she had been becoming every increasingly frustrated with the obvious arms length that he still held her at. "I have loved you since we were stranded…"

"Don't do this," he said quietly, the look in his eye when he turned back to face her almost enough to quell her insistence on following through with her plans to confront him.

"I know I hurt you-" she tried again.

"No you don't," he cut her off, this time harshly as he released her hand, "if you did then you would let this go."

Kathryn felt as if she was coming up against a brick wall, but she wasn't ready to give up just yet. "I think we should talk about this," she softly pleaded.

She watched with great confusion as the man beside her took a long heavy breath as he considered her request. "What is there to say that hasn't been said already?" he asked, refusing to meet her gaze as he spoke.

"That I'm sorry," she said, and with the unexpectedness of her apology he turned to face her, a frown buried deep within his features. "For forcing a rift between us on Voyager…"

"I understand why we couldn't be together then," he cut her off.

With a small shake of her head she went on, "you might have understood, but I don't think I've every properly acknowledged how I hurt your feelings, because the truth is that it broke my own heart to do it. I thought that denying the way I felt about you would make it easier, and although it made it bearable, I never loved you any less."

"That was a long time ago now Kathryn."

"It still feels like yesterday," she said sadly.

Chakotay's jaw shifted slightly, and she could tell that he was considering whether or not to voice his thoughts. He must have decided to go ahead, as the next moment he opened his mouth and spoke. "When you ended our relationship on Voyager for a long time I couldn't accept your reasons, I felt betrayed and was unable to see through my own pain. After a while it got easier, I forgave you and the friendship we formed from that still means more to me than anything else I have ever experienced… I'm still thankful every day that I have you back in my life, and that's the only thing that matters to me now, not our past, or out mistakes, just you and my children."

The intense look he shot at her with those last words was almost enough to melt her. It was obvious to her that his intention was to avoid the one last issue that they had been avoiding since her return from Remus, but she was determined to see the conversation through until they could reach a some sort of resolution. "Chakotay, when we returned to Earth I had a lot of concerns about the future of our relationship, not just because of everything that I was going through with adjusting to being back, but also because of our past. I hoped that with time we would be able to work things out together and either come out the other end stronger or as better friends than we were before…"

She took a moment to collect herself together, and so he waited patiently for her to continue. "Finding out that I was pregnant changed everything, I suddenly felt trapped and all the doubts I had had about us before rose to the surface. When I told you that I didn't want to be with you I was simply thinking about myself, I knew that handling a relationship I was already uncertain about and a new baby would be too much for me to manage. I thought you would be upset, but I had taken for granted how accepting you had been on Voyager, I never considered that one more blow might break our friendship so swiftly."

He noticed she was wringing her hands, and from years to learning to read her, he understood that she was finding it very difficult to bring it all up, but for once he decided not to make it easier for her. "To be honest Kathryn, if I hadn't have been forced to face you every day in the delta quadrant I'm not sure I would have found a way to forgive you even then. If I had never have met our daughters I don't think I would have been able to find the strength to do it all over a second time."

"I don't want your forgiveness Chakotay."

"Then what do you want?" he demanded, almost losing the constraint to hold their civil conversation together.

"I want us to be able to move on," she admitted.

Chakotay looked at her cautiously, "and which direction are you suggesting we go in?"

Under his gaze his former captain shook her head slightly, "not the one we're stuck in right now."

"I'm sorry that this isn't enough," he replied sarcastically, "let me know when you decide _exactly_ what you want from me Kathryn…" he started to move from the couch.

"Chakotay," she placed a hand on his shoulder which halted his movements, "there was a time when you stopped at nothing to get me to admit my love for you."

"There were a couple of times," he needlessly reminded her, "and neither of them turned out as I had expected."

"I wasn't ready on either occasion," she didn't want to make excuses, only explain herself. "I am now."

Chakotay turned to study her, looking not only at the woman who he had fallen uncontrollably in love with, but the same woman who had broken his heart on so many occasions, and he realised that the power to put himself through it all over again was now entirely his. "Do you really want to go back there?"

"I want us to be a possibility," she admitted, "I don't want our past to continue to dictate our futures together or apart. I'm not saying that we should try again right now, only that we both consider it, and see what happens naturally and if we move on in separate directions, then let's agree not to let this linger in the background."

He was silent a long moment as he considered what she was saying, finally she saw him relax both his body and expression as he offered her a small nod. "If we did decide to go back down that route there would be no going back; it would be all or nothing. We have three children to consider now."

Kathryn nodded with certainty, "I know."

He turned away and she waited a long while as he processed what had just been said. After a time she felt her eyes growing heavy and realised that she was probably just as tired as their children. Knowing that there was nothing more that could be said that night she placed her hand lightly on his shoulder, "I can't imagine how difficult it has been the past three years, but I want you to know how grateful I am to you for raising our daughters to be such wonderful little girls."

Chakotay shot the mother of his children a tight smile, "there's nothing to be thankful for," his voice was heavy, yet soft and quiet, "I'm their father; it was the right thing to do."

Leaning forwards she placed a kiss to his cheek and whispered, "I should never have let you leave that night." As he turned to ask her exactly what she meant by that, she stood from the couch, and started to make her way towards the door, "it's late," she explained, "I'm going to try and get some sleep before Tommy wakes up."

"Good night Kathryn," he said but didn't move to get up from where he was sat.

"You're not coming up to bed?"

He shook his head as he glanced over his shoulder at her now stood by the door frame, "not just yet."

Realising that he was wanting some time to collect his thoughts before he could settle for the night she nodded with acceptance and let him go.


	20. Alternative Ending

Sorry it's taken be forever to write the ending to this story, but I wanted to write a very angsty ending, but because so many of you reviewing thought I had put the characters through too much already, I decided to give them a break… kind of. This chapter posted explores a alternative approach to the story, where in the first chapter, instead of Janeway ending her relationship with Chakotay, he ends up staying. The alternative ending posted here should make the final ending of the story all the more special… I'll say no more.

If you don't want to read this alternative story, then miss out this chapter, and go straight to the final one which will be posted within a couple of days after I've done some proof reading.

Chapter 20: Alternative Ending

_Six months after Voyager's return_

She hesitated and he felt his stomach muscles knot as she wrung her hands and he instantly realised what she was about to do. "This isn't working Chakotay," she said, feeling slightly detached from the room she was sitting in, disbelief of what she was actually doing. Watching the hurt flash across his eyes was bad enough, but when he turned away from her she felt as though she might break… somehow she managed to find the strength to continue. "I think we turned to each other when we returned because we were both under the same illusion that we were meant to be together, and maybe we were once, but so much has happened since then I think we've lost whatever it was that we had," she explained sadly. "We still can't shake the distance that I spent five years forcing between us; we've both known this hasn't been right for a while, but we were so determined to make this work that we ignored it. I don't think either of us can say we're happy right now and we should both accept that your assignment on the Orion is just an excuse for us to take a break from one another and end it now before it goes any further."

She finished and looked across at him expectantly, but was confronted only with silence. Reaching across she placed a hand on his knee, willing him to look up at her so that she could gauge his reaction and she would know how to continue. "Please say something," her voice was barely a whisper.

When he finally looked up to meet her gaze he saw tears forming in her eyes, he would have thought there would be tears in his too, except that with so many emotions playing with him at that moment he wasn't sure how to feel. "Is there someone else?"

The question threw her for a moment, and caused her a moment's hesitation. "No," she shook her head, giving his knee a small squeeze.

"I don't understand," his voice displayed his frustration, "Kathryn, we can work on this… we've waited too long, and fought too hard to just give up now."

Kathryn sighed, she had known he would protest, had prepared for his every argument against their separation and although she knew she was soon going to make it much harder for him to leave, she knew it was the right thing for them to do. "We probably could keep going Chakotay, maybe for a few months, a few years, but it would be a fight all the way and even then, eventually we would lose. We would end up hating and resenting each other. At least if we quit now we can salvage what's left of our friendship."

"I don't want friendship Kathryn," he insisted, "I accepted it aboard Voyager because I knew it was all you could give me, but that can't be enough for me now, not now we're back on Earth and there is no protocol, or crew, or delta quadrant to keep us apart. I want you…" he reached out and tenderly cupped her cheek, "I don't want this to end."

The feel of his skin against hers sent shivers down her spine, and she hated that he still had that effect on her. Reluctantly she reached up and took his hand in her own, gripping it loosely as she pulled it from her face, she swallowed past the lump in her throat, "please don't make this harder than it already is."

"Tell me that you don't love me," he said, knowing he was doing just the opposite of her request.

She met his gaze, and despite the pain it caused her to do so she held it steadily. "This isn't about love. This is about how I've become so dependant on you over that last seven years that I no longer want you, I _need_ you… it shouldn't be this way."

Pulling his hand out sharply from her grasp he leant back in the armchair he was sat and let out a sharp long breath, but he didn't say anything. She waited patiently for him to talk to her, to let her know what was going on behind the face that had become a mask; she knew he was upset, angry, disappointed, maybe even surprised, but she wasn't sure which feeling was more dominant and which he would first verbalise. "There's more," she said, now knowing she was breaking into unchartered waters because she had no idea how he would respond to what she would say next. "I'm pregnant."

His heart stopped. He sought her face as his mind reran over her words to confirm that he hadn't misheard; he hadn't. Never before had he seen his former captain look so uncertain, so scared… so fragile. The full meaning of her words were still a blur to him; he was going to be a father… right? He reconsidered everything she had already said to him, there was no other man so the child had to be his, but he couldn't understand why then she would be ending their relationship. "Are you not keeping-"

"No, I am," she cut him off quickly, horrified that he could even think she would do such a thing… then again, she had done worse by him.

"Then I don't understand why you're doing this Kathryn, surely now you need me more than ever to support you through this, to help you raise this child?" Even as he said the words and he saw her lips part to make a response he suddenly knew exactly why she was breaking up with him now of all times.

"You're right: I will need you, I _do_ need you, but not like this; I feel suffocated by our relationship as it is, and we're only going to tear each other apart if we continue. I can't bring someone else into the middle of a failing relationship, someone else to get hurt."

Deflated and exhausted from the emotional upheaval this conversation was creating he leant forwards and covered his face with his hands; she was right. On their return to Earth they had quickly become intimate (despite his initial involvement with Seven), he had felt a rush to make up on the time they had lost and he realised now that maybe he had been pushing her too far too quickly. He had suggested they start a family after only a couple of months and she had been reluctant to consider it, he had proposed to her shortly after that, but she had turned him down and he suspected she had only agreed to move in together out of a guilt for having declined his many other requests of her and their relationship.

"You can't expect me to walk out on my child," he said quietly, his face still buried in his hands.

"I'm not asking you to," she assured him, "you can be as involved as you want to be."

"I just can't be with you," he looked up to meet her gaze, "it was difficult enough aboard Voyager, I don't think I can do that now."

"We'll have to find a way, I want this baby to know its father, to know you."

Unexpectedly Chakotay stood, unsure he could hear any more. He had always imagined starting a family with Kathryn when they returned to Earth, but he had never anticipated that she might not want all the same things as he did. Hurt and confused he made his way from the lounge, "I can't do this," he mumbled as he left.

"Chakotay," she called out, but it wasn't until she heard him climbing the stairs that she got up to follow him. She found him in their bedroom zipping up the bag he had been packing before his run. "What are you doing?" she demanded as she watched him from the doorway.

"I'm leaving," he replied angrily, "I thought that was what you wanted."

"Not like this," she insisted, watching helplessly as he lifted the bag from the bed and chucked it next to another bag he had packed.

"Then how did you want it Kathryn?" he raised his voice, "I have given you everything for the past seven and a half years. I have tried everything to make this work. But you have resisted this every chance we've had, you have pushed me away, used me and hurt me more times than I care to remember. If you don't want me, fine, then I'll leave. Just don't expect me to come back this time."

"What about the baby?"

"Have it," he flicked away her question with a small movement from his hand, "it's yours," he said, as if he were offering that she keep any inanimate object they had brought together.

Up until that point Kathryn had remained carefully in control, but his final comment fuelled a fire that had slowly been smouldering inside of her since she had discovered the pregnancy some two weeks previously. "This pregnancy is your fault," she accused, struggling to control the anger that now bubbled inside of her.

"How do you figure that one out?" he asked, placing his hands on his hips.

"You neutralised your booster without telling me," she explained, her tone indicating the full extent of her hatred towards him at that moment.

Chakotay frowned, "yes, after we agreed to start trying for a baby months ago."

"We talked about it, but I never agreed to anything," she argued back.

Knowing himself that maybe he had been a little covert in what he had done he decided not to pursue this particular argument trend, "there was nothing stopping you from renewing your contraceptives?"

"I thought you were up to date."

He shrugged, "well it's done now."

She felt like slapping him, she knew if she was the same woman as twenty years ago she probably would have snapped by now, but her long established Starfleet training kicked in and she forced herself to stay in control. "You did this in the hope that you could trap me into being with you."

Chakotay paused as he finally dared to meet her angry glare, considering if there was any truth to her words. Maybe she was right, maybe a part of him had been afraid their relationship would fail, that he had wanted a family with her simply to ensure that she wouldn't leave him after the debriefings had finished. He closed his eyes, wondering if she was right, that this was just an ambush that had gone terribly wrong. "No Kathryn," he said at last, his voice low and heavy, "I wanted a family with you because I love you, because I wanted to share that love with someone else, someone that was a part of both of us. If I can't have you…" he shook his head from the many thoughts that were racing through his mind and reached out to grab one of his bags. "I need some time. I can't be here right now," he explained as he pulled the shoulder strap of his bag over his left shoulder and lifted the other with his opposite hand.

"Where are you going?" she demanded, still too angry to notice his change in demeanour and process his words.

"I'll stay in a hotel for the night," he said closing the gap between them as he made his way over to the door, "my transport leaves at eight tomorrow morning."

"_Chakotay…" she placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks as he walked past her._

He turned to her, and studied her face. He realised both sadness and fear held within her eyes, and for a moment understood how difficult it was for her to be doing this. Their eyes met and she held his gaze; nothing about this conversation was going as she had thought it would; she had over-estimated Chakotay's patience with her, and with that realisation came another: that if he left now, he had no intention of returning. The moment lasted too long to be just a passing look to communicate a final goodbye and as he leant forwards to place his lips to hers she returned the kiss without thinking.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Chakotay dropped his bags by the door, placing his hands on her hips and moving from kissing her mouth, to her neck, to the sensitive area behind her ear. Involuntarily Kathryn sighed and he knew he had her. Caught in the moment, neither of them considered if they were saying goodbye, or pleading with each other not to leave; the courage Kathryn had built up to end the relationship was lost the moment their lips had met, and Chakotay's initial anger dissolved and became over ridden by his desire for her.

Before she even realised what was happening he had lifted her from the ground, only releasing her as he threw her down onto the bed. They made love with a passion that both of them had forgotten to have possessed, and later as she lay beside him with his arms wrapped round her she realised that she wouldn't be able to let him go.

-

Kathryn woke as a beam of sun light broke across her face, and instinctively she raised an arm to shield her eyes with the intention a falling back into a comfortable slumber, but the feel of a kiss being placed to her forehead reminded her of the man sleeping beside her, and she became aware of him taking her arm from across her face and pulling her closer to him. It took a moment for memories of the previous night to come back to her, and when they did, she inwardly groaned at her weakness to him; nothing about that afternoon had gone as planned.

She opened her eyes as she felt his hand gently press against her belly, and found him smiling uncertainly across at her. "Morning," she greeted him tiredly, wanting to over exaggerate how sleepy she really was in order to gain more time to think through her next steps.

"Good morning," he replied softly.

She didn't say anything more, and he didn't prompt her, seemingly content in his own thoughts, he pushed the sheets back slightly, his attention moved to where his hand lay on her abdomen and she knew exactly what he was thinking. He remained silent for a long while, and although the woman beside him knew what he was going to say, he was still taking time to figure it out.

"I'm not leaving for the Orion," he said at last.

Nodding absently she let out a small sigh, "Chakotay, if you don't go, they're not going to offer you another command position."

He shrugged, "we both know that Starfleet isn't for me any more."

"Then why did you accept the assignment?" she frowned.

Chakotay shot her an incredulous look, "why do you think?"

In a moment she completely understood his motivations, "you shouldn't have taken it for me."

"Would you really be satisfied in a relationship with a civilian?" he pressed, but as she opened her mouth to remind him of Mark he intercepted it, "you were never satisfied with Mark," he reminded of her own words to him many years before, "he was a safe choice, an easy man to love."

"You were worried of becoming the safe choice?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yes," he said simply, "you have an attraction to danger; to risk, can you honestly say that the reason you fell in love with me wasn't anything to do with our circumstances?"

"Our circumstances?" she looked genuinely confused.

Rolling his eyes he decided to explain, "a maquis rebel and then you first officer, out in the middle of the delta quadrant was there possibly a more unsafe choice you could have made?"

Kathryn sighed inwardly, he was almost right, part of the rebel in him had been what had attracted her to Chakotay in the first place, but he was falling on insecurities from what had happened the night before. "Those were some of the reasons we couldn't have been together on Voyager; they weren't the reasons I fell in love with you," closing her eyes she took a moment to collect her thoughts. "I fell in love with you on new Earth; when we lost our rank and could forget that we had once been enemies, there was nothing risky about being in love with you back then, it was the man you are that I wanted, not anything else."

He considered what she had said, and so chose his next words carefully, because he knew only the right words would prevent him from losing her further than he had the night before, "could you find a way to be happy with me again?"

She saw a sadness in his eyes that she hated herself for being the cause of, "maybe."

Chakotay let out a long breath, "I thought I had wanted to make a relationship between us work so many times before," he confessed, "but now that we're having a child together… I can't bring myself to give up again now. Don't let this pregnancy scare you out of being with me," it wasn't a request, more like an instruction, "I want to raise this child with you; I want us to be a family."

"Chakotay…" she sighed heavily taking a moment to think, "it's not about you, it's about me; I need time to work out who I am again-"

"I know," he interrupted her, "we both need time to rediscover ourselves, but that doesn't have to mean that we have to be apart. I can try and give you more space, I could stop hassling you when I think you're holding back, I'll be more supportive, and together we can work through this."

"Do you really think-?"

"Yes I do," he cut her short before pressing his lips to hers, "we owe this to our child."

V

_Eight years after Voyager's return_

Chakotay watched his daughter from the doorway as she stood in front of the mirror studying herself and the beautiful dark blue bridesmaids dress which she wore, and he couldn't help the thought of one day seeing her as a grown woman and walking her down the aisle to the person she would chose to marry. As she did a twirl she noticed him staring and stopped to glare across at him, "what?"

He shrugged but grinned, "nothing."

"Then stop looking at me!"

This time he laughed openly as he entered further into the room, "how can I stop staring at you when you're so beautiful?" he said as he came to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders as they looked into the mirror at each other. "You look so much like your mother," he noted.

"She says that I look like you," the girl pulled a face, "I wish I really did look more like her though."

Chakotay pulled a mock-insulted face, but noticed his daughter had bent her head to look directly up at him, "daddy have you seen her? Mum looks so pretty in her dress."

"So do you," he affirmed, resting a hand on the top of her head so that she was forced to look at him again through the mirror, "but no, I haven't seen her yet."

"She's in the next room if you want to go see her," his daughter suggested as she started again to tidy her straight dark hair from where her father had unintentionally messed it slightly.

"I'm not sure if she'd be happy to see me right now," he said neutrally, remembering Kathryn's many warnings the day previously for him not to do or say anything which would stress her any further.

Taya walked away from him and over to the dressing table where she lifted a brush and needlessly started to pass it through her hair again. "You're most definitely a perfectionist like your mother," he pointed out.

She pulled a face, but didn't comment.

"Chakotay!"

He turned to see B'Elanna now standing by the door, dressed in a matching deep blue dress and looking less than pleased to see that he had decided to walk about the bridal rooms of the church. "You shouldn't be here," she needlessly reminded him.

"I know," he held up his hands as if to surrender, "I just wanted to see my daughter before the wedding started."

The half Klingon folded her arms, knowing that he had most probably been hoping to 'accidentally' bump into Kathryn before they were due to walk down the aisle. "Well get out of here before the bride sees you."

"Isn't it bad luck for people to see the bride before the wedding?" Taya interrupted as she remembered something her mother had told her during the wedding preparations, which might have explained B'Elanna's annoyance at seeing her father there.

"Only for the groom," B'Elanna corrected.

"Not for me," Chakotay assured the girl with a wink before exiting the room to leave the two bridesmaids to finish getting ready. He really had intended to go join the rest of the congregation in the church, but as he passed the door where he knew Kathryn was getting ready he noticed it was ajar, and from what his daughter had told him he allowed curiosity to get the better of him, and slowly and delicately he pushed it further open.

Kathryn was stood with her back to the door, staring out the window characteristically as he had seen her do so many times back on Voyager as she would sit in her ready room and gaze out indefinitely into space. Although he was careful not to interrupt her or let her know that he was there, somehow she sensed his presence, and without turning told him, "I swear Chakotay, if you say anything right now..."

"I'm not going to say anything, I promise."

She seemed to relax somewhat, and after a moment turned to face him, allowing him to see how right Taya had been about how beautiful her mother looked in her elegant white dress. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

Chakotay saw a sudden uncertainty in her eyes, "I'm not really sure if I'm the right person to answer that question," he told her honestly.

"You're the only person I trust enough to ask," she explained why of all the people she was asking him.

For a moment Chakotay was taken back to the moment that he had been forced to make the biggest decision in his life, as he stood by Kathryn's bedside as she lay unconscious and the doctor waited for him to make a decision.

"_What are her chances if we wait?" he asked the doctor._

_The EMH pulled a grim expression, "they're not good," he explained, "the admiral gave strict instructions that if she lose consciousness again that everything be done to ensure the safety of her children, but as their father you have the power to over-ride that instruction."_

_Chakotay shook his head, feeling unable to make the decision; he had been with her in hospital for the past couple of weeks since her pregnancy had started to face complications and he knew that if she were asked to make the decision right now, she would want to wait longer until the chances of their children surviving the birth were greater. However, Kathryn was a risk taker with her own life, and this risk in particular although she would have been more than willing to take, Chakotay was not. "What are the chances for the babies?" he asked._

"_One of them, the strongest, has a fighting chance, but the other," the doctor shook his head, "I can't say."_

_He looked back down at Kathryn, but when he saw her he didn't see the children she was fighting not to lose, he only saw the woman he was desperate not to. "You should deliver them now," he gave his permission._

_Kathryn had never forgiven him for that decision which had lost them one of the twins. She had tried to let it go, had named their one surviving daughter after him in the hope that he would know that she didn't resent him, but he could tell that it wasn't something she would easily forget. He wondered if their foundations had have been stronger if they could have made it work, but it was another hit too many for what was a very fragile struggling relationship. They had spent little more than a year together after that, slowly drifting further apart until there was little left to salvage, and Taya was a distant remainder of a love they had found many years ago._

Chakotay's mind moved back to the present moment, and of the woman stood feet away from him waiting for him of all people to assure her that she was making the right decision to marry a man other than him.

"Caleb is a good man," he shrugged neutrally, "he makes you happy… and that's all I've ever wanted for you," he reasoned, not sure if it was more for her benefit or his.

She looked at him a long moment, then finally offered him a short smile, "thank you," she said sincerely.

He closed his eyes a brief moment to acknowledge her words and to understand what she was really thanking him for. In the years since their relationship had come to an end they had remained good friends, although they told people it was for the sake of their child, the truth was that despite everything, they were both still very much in love, and so they clung to their friendship as if salvaging it was the one thing that they could do to honour that love. They both knew that he would only have to say the words and she would call off the wedding right then and there and be with him instead, but they also both knew that there was only so much water that could be placed under the bridge until it flooded and became impassable, and neither were naïve enough to want to risk dredging down that path again.

"You look beautiful," he echoed the words that he had said to their daughter only minutes previously, but the look in his eye this time was no in awe of what he had taken a part in creating, it was of a man looking at a woman and forcing himself to come to terms with the fact that she was no longer his.

"You should go and wait for me with everyone else in the church."

"I'm not going to watch you get married Kathryn," he said simply, "and I don't care what people think about it."

She studied him carefully to decide if he had any mal-intent, but realised the truth, the same truth that she knew whenever she saw him with his long-term girlfriend Tessa, that whilst they could always be friends, it was too painful to watch each other move on with such finality. "Will I see you after?"

"I'll be at the reception," he confirmed.

Kathryn nodded, and after meeting his gaze one final time he left and the next time she saw him it was as another man's wife.

V

_Okay, that's the angst out of my system, I promise to post the actual ending very soon, but let me know what you thought of this attempt?_


	21. Ending and Epilogue

Okay, so this is the final chapter, let me know what you all think!

Chapter 21: A Sort of Happy Ending

Chakotay sat alone with his thoughts for a while after Kathryn had left. He remembered being on new Earth with Kathryn all those years ago, and how free they had felt to explore their love for one another without the responsibility of a ship or the distraction of her guilt. But with that memory came that one of a few months later when she had ended their affair, somehow he had known from the look on her face it was over, but it hadn't been until she had left that he had allowed himself to acknowledge his breaking heart. When he thought back to their relationship after Voyager's return to the alpha quadrant, he now saw how blind he had been to the warning signs that it wasn't working for her. He wondered if they would have been together now if he had have waited a little longer, if he hadn't have pushed her to start a family with him; but that failure on both their parts which had ended their friendship had also resulted in the creation of their two daughters, and he knew that neither or them would want to change anything because of that.

Finally he considered what Kathryn had just said to him, that if he wanted to go back down that road, this time she was ready and willing to go with him. Although he was tempted at a more intimate relationship with her, he couldn't shake the memories of how badly that had turned out for them both in the past. Friendship was all the two of them seemed to be able to manage, and he wondered if perhaps it was all for the best to keep it that way. After a while he realised that the many doubts he still had about whether or not to pursue anything further with her, came from the uncertainties he had about whether or not they could make it work. He realised that to make a decision one way or the other, he needed to talk to her.

When Chakotay finally climbed the stair case to go to bed, he had resigned himself to sleeping on the issue to perhaps bring it up another time, but as he walked out onto the dark landing, he noticed light seeping from under Kathryn's door, and realising that she was still awake, he decided that there was no time like the present to talk through his worries and concerns with her.

He knocked on the door and waited patiently to be granted permission to enter. Finally he heard the words 'come in' and slowly pushed the door open.

Kathryn was stood facing him by the side of her bed, now dressed only in her night dress and with a very confused look on her face. "Chakotay?" she asked with uncertainty as he remained in the doorway.

"I want to make this work," he admitted, "but I need to know from you that it can."

He received a small nod from the woman across from him, "I'm going to need coffee for this," she quipped lightly as she recognised his need to stay up and talk.

"Me too," he confessed as he reached behind for the door and started to close it. Although they were both tired, they accepted that if they didn't get this conversation over with now, perhaps they never would.

Kathryn grabbed her silk robe and wrapped it around herself as she waited for the coffee to materialise from her bedroom's replicater. Meanwhile Chakotay made himself comfortable on her bed, pulling off his shoes and sitting up against her headboard as he waited for her to bring the drink over to him.

Finally she joined him, and aided by coffee they stayed up into the early hours of the morning talking everything through. They spoke a little more about their past, about how she had hurt him and how he regretted not being apart of the lives of their daughters from the very beginning. Then they discussed what each of them wanted from their future together, Chakotay confessed his fears of her changing her mind again, and Kathryn expressed her worry that neither of them would ever be completely satisfied with only friendship.

At some point they both resigned themselves to their entwined fate, of how they would never be able to stop loving one another so deeply and that their friendship could never be enough. And finally they talked about how they would make a relationship work, and promised that if it didn't, they would put their children before all else.

After two long hours of talking they gave in to the strong desire for rest. Feeling it natural to do so, Chakotay remained with her that night, laying down beside her as she snuggled into the comfort of his arms, and pulling the sheets up around them. Thinking she was asleep he pressed his lips to her forehead, "I love you Kathryn Janeway," he whispered.

She must have only been on the verge of sleep as she slipped further into his embrace, "I love you too," she mumbled.

Finally, feeling more at ease and at peace with her than he had ever before felt, he closed his eyes, falling into a deep and pleasant sleep, which he wasn't disturbed from until the next morning by his three young children.

V

_Eight years after Voyagers return_

Chakotay watched his daughter from the doorway as she stood in front of the mirror studying herself and the beautiful dark blue bridesmaids dress which she wore, and he couldn't help the thought of one day seeing her as a grown woman and walking her down the aisle to the person she would chose to marry. As she did a twirl she noticed him staring and stopped to glare across at him, "what?"

He grinned but shrugged, "nothing."

"Then stop looking at me!"

This time he laughed openly as he entered further into the room, "how can I stop staring at you when you're so beautiful?" he said as he came to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders as they looked into the mirror at each other. "You look so much like your mother," he noted.

"She says that I look like you," the girl pulled a face, "I wish I really did look more like her though."

Chakotay pulled a mock-insulted face, but noticed his daughter had bent her head to look directly up at him, "daddy have you seen her? Mum looks so pretty in her dress."

"So do you," he affirmed, resting a hand on the top of her head so that she was forced to look at him again through the mirror, "but no, I haven't seen her yet."

"She's in the next room if you want to go see her," his daughter suggested as she started again to tidy her straight dark hair from where her father had unintentionally messed it slightly.

"I'm not sure if she'd be happy to see me right now," he said neutrally, remembering Kathryn's many warnings the day previously for him not to do or say anything which would stress her any further.

Ellie walked away from him and over to the dressing table where she lifted a brush and needlessly started to pass it through her hair again. "You're most definitely a perfectionist like your mother," he pointed out.

She pulled a face, but didn't comment.

"Chakotay!"

He turned to see B'Elanna now standing by the door, with Layla's hand in hers, both dressed in matching deep blue dresses and the half Klingon looking less than pleased to see that he had decided to walk about the bridal rooms of the church. "You shouldn't be here," she needlessly reminded him.

"I know," he held up his hands as if to surrender, "I just wanted to see my daughters before the wedding started." He said as Layla crossed over to him and he automatically lifted her into his arms, "and what beautiful daughters I have," he insisted, spinning Layla about as she giggled delightedly causing both B'Elanna and Ellie to roll their eyes at their childishness.

The half Klingon folded her arms, knowing that he had most probably been hoping to 'accidentally' bump into Kathryn before they were due to walk down the aisle. "Well get out of here before the bride sees you."

Chakotay quickly came to a standstill, "isn't it bad luck for people to see the bride before the wedding?" Layla pointed out.

"Only for the groom," B'Elanna corrected.

"Not for me," Chakotay assured his daughters with a wink before placing Layla on the ground and exiting the room, leaving the bridesmaids to finish getting ready. He really had intended to go join the rest of the congregation in the church, but as he passed the door where he knew Kathryn was getting ready he noticed it was ajar, and from what Ellie had told him he allowed curiosity to get the better of him, and slowly and delicately he pushed it further open.

Kathryn was sat on a bench to one side of the room, her elegant white dress arranged carefully about her feet so as to avoid creasing it, and their two year old son sat beside her as she buttoned his shirt. Having seen Kathryn as a fearless and courageous leader who had only hardened over time, Chakotay was always amazed at the tenderness she used with their children, especially their youngest; Tommy. He found himself transfixed by the scene as she ran a hand affectionately over his hair, traced the lines of his face with her fingers and placed a kiss to his forehead, before reaching for a length of material which she then began to attempt to make into a bowtie.

Having tried and failed to tie the bow on a couple of occasions, it wasn't until she heard a soft chuckling coming from the doorway that she realised she was being over-watched. Suddenly she looked up and clashed gazes with the man standing across from her, "I swear Chakotay, if you say anything right now..." she began to threaten.

"I'm not going to say anything, I promise." He said as he entered into the room and crossed over to the bench where she sat with Tommy.

Without a word he knelt in front of his son, and taking the material from Kathryn's grasp expertly tied it into a bow.

"Do you think this is right Chakotay?" she asked him, and when he looked up to meet her gaze he saw a sudden uncertainty in her eyes.

"I'm not really sure if I'm the right person to answer that question," he told her honestly.

"You're the only person I trust enough to ask," she explained why of all the people she was asking him.

For a moment Chakotay was taken back to the moment which had lead to this one.

_Six months earlier_

_Chakotay had just finished putting his children to bed, although Tommy had settled the moment his head had touched the pillow, and Ellie had been content to read to herself until she had drifted off to sleep, Layla had refused to go to bed until she had discussed with him every detail of their day together. As had become customary, Kathryn had come travelled across to his house in France for the weekend with their son and they had spent the afternoon at the beach, causing Layla to question her father about all different types of sea-life. Finally after half an hour, Chakotay had managed to exhaust the eldest of the twins and had left her to fall asleep._

_Walking into a deserted living room Chakotay found a glass of red wine had already been poured for him and sat waiting for him on the side, he lifted it and took a sip of pleasantly pungent liquid before he started to wonder where Kathryn had disappeared to. Not wanting to call out in case he woke his children from their delicate sleep, he quickly searched the ground floor of his house, firstly finding the kitchen empty, and then the backyard patio, where he had thought she might have wondered, before he realised the light was on in his office._

_She was set in his desk chair, so distracted with whatever she was studying that she didn't realise his presence straight away. "Kathryn?" he prompted gently._

_His voice didn't just surprise her, it shocked her, and he noticed her hand move to conceal whatever she had been looking at on the surface of his desk. "Is everything okay?" he asked uncertainly as he watched a mask carefully consume her unguarded expression._

"_Yes," she said quickly._

_Chakotay studied her, and he realised that something was off about her, "you look troubled by something," he observed._

_Kathryn shook her head, "I'm just tired, with the time difference between here and San Francisco."_

_He nodded absently, "the time never gets any shorter does it?"_

"_No."_

_Chakotay frowned, he had known this woman a long time, and he got the distinct feeling that she was hiding something from him, both in what she was saying, and the hand that was purposefully still covering something on his desk. "What are you doing in here?" he asked._

_She saw his eyes drift to her hand, and knew that he game would soon be up, so decided to concede defeat before he pushed her any further. "I just finished making a call to my aide, and then I started to look for a padd to make a note about a meeting she mentioned next week…" he watched as she lifted her hand from the desk and was confused to see that there was nothing on the surface. His eyes drifted up, and instantly he became aware of her exposed palm laid out for him to examine, and he realised that in her search for something very ordinary, she had inadvertently come across something unusual._

"_What is this?" she asked, her eyes piercing as she waited for his answer._

_He shrugged, not entirely sure why she wanted to pursue this conversation, "you know what it is."_

_Kathryn met his gaze a moment longer before she realised his reluctance to continue; she had come across something he hadn't intended to give to her. She lowered her hand and picked the engagement ring up with her fingers, beginning to play with it absently. "What are we doing?"_

_Chakotay frowned, "when? With what?"_

"_Now, together," she met his gaze, "do you really think that we can just keep travelling between two homes forever?"_

_Although worried about what she was saying, he had to confess that he had had the same concerns in the most recent few months. "You're not happy with how things are?"_

"_Are you?"_

"_I guess not."_

_Kathryn sighed heavily, and his heart sank as he remembered an agreement they had both made coming up to two years before, that if at any point they felt it wasn't working, they would say, instead of allowing it to linger. "I want more," she surprised him, "why don't we get married?"_

"_Married?" he repeated stupidly._

"_Yes," suddenly her face broke into a dazzling smile._

"_Are you asking me to marry you?" he asked, a small smirk forming at the sudden turn around._

_She eyed him carefully, "I suppose that depends on what your answer would be?"_

_Chakotay pulled a face and folded his arms, deciding to play coy, "sorry Kathryn, it doesn't work that way, you'll have to ask me first."_

_Although annoyed that he was pushing her to make the final move, she couldn't hide the enjoyment she was getting from the game, and laughed openly at his refusal to answer. "Will you marry me Chakotay?"_

_A smile that emphasised his dimples over came his lips, and with a slight tilt of his head he made his way over to where she was sitting. Kathryn waited with painful anticipation as he knelt in front of her, taking her hands in his own as he took the engagement ring from her gentle grasp between her finger tips. "Why does everything have to be so complicated with you?" he asked, with an intense and loving wonder, "nothing would make me happier right now than having you as my wife," he answered, and then he took her left hand delicately in his, and slipped the same ring he had proposed to her with all those years ago onto her finger._

His mind moved back to the present moment as Kathryn looked at him with an uncertainty in her eyes that hadn't been there the day they had decided to marry, and he realised that it was nothing more than pre-wedding jitters.

"This has always been right," he assured her.

Kathryn reached across to cup his cheek in her palm as she realised the absolute truth of his words, somehow, in all the confusion they had found each other again, and they were both as determined as each other to never lose it. "I know," she quietly agreed.

"Then stop doubting yourself… stop doubting us," he requested with a tender smile.

She met his loving gaze to acknowledge how truly lucky she was to have this man in her life, then finally offered him a short smile, "thank you," she said sincerely.

His smile transformed into a dimpled grin, "I swear Kathryn if you leave me at the alter …" he jokingly started to threaten.

Kathryn placed her fingers to his lips, "I won't," she promised him with all seriousness.

Taking her hand in his own he kissed her palm, and then raising himself up further, pulled her towards him so that he could kiss her neck, her cheek and then her lips. He moved back slightly to meet her gaze, "I love you," he stated, his voice having lowered to an enticing murmur.

"I love you too," she exchanged, and as his eyes met hers she could feel the love she felt for him reflected back and radiating around them both.

With great reluctance Chakotay pulled back and glanced across at their son who was distracted and irritated by his formal clothing and oblivious to his parent's discussion. Laughing inwardly to himself, Chakotay rose onto his feet and turned back to Kathryn who was still watching him. "I'll see you in a few minutes," he said casually.

Kathryn rolled her eyes as he left the room, at the ease in which he spoke of their impending vows to be married, but at the same time was grateful for it. Having lost the last of her pre-wedding jitters thanks to Chakotay, she was finally ready to marry him.

The End


End file.
